Is this bad and should I leave?

[isitasbadasithink]

Hi I am hoping one of you lovely ladies can help with a dilemma I am having.

I have been with my dp for 5 years and have a 10 month old ds. The relationship isn't that great, he is pretty lazy and can be verbally abusive sone of the time (by which I mean telling me to fuck off or calling me a cunt etc). On top of that he has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have often given in to having sex with him at least 3 times a week to keep the peace ( he sulks or calls me frigid if I don't). I know just reading that back how bad that sounds by the way :-(.

This afternoon due to the fact I have been wearing a bikini he has kept groping me and telling me he can't wait to get me alone. When I was in the bedroom I agreed to sex to kind of get it over and done with and to avoid an argument. During the act it started really hurting as it often does and I told him to stop. He told me he was to close to finishing and continued with me struggling for about 20 seconds or so. When it was over he said he was angry at me for making it look like he was the bad person for continuing and stormed out of the room.

I feel numb and maybe I am over reacting. It probably was hard for him to stop but why do I feel so violated? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do now? I would be ever so grateful.

Every time not everyone even

That is great that you have savings it means you put a deposit down to privately rent easily. If you are frightened of him that it may be worth considering moving away from your current area.

Do you have any RL friends who will be supportive of you?

It's great that you have a good stash of savings. Do you have a car? Could you just tell yourself that you're going on a holiday, pack up and leave? Drive somewhere nice, by the beach and stay in a lovely B and B.

You deserve to get out of this situation and be safe.

I have had a few drinks before the incident during a BBQ and I am worried that I may be over the limit (though not even tipsy I wouldn't take the risk). I have no rl friends as I lost them all during my relationship (how predictable I would laugh if it wasnt so sad). I was hoping to just make no deal out of it tonight and cat as normal as possible and just pack up and leave wih what ever i can fit in my car tomorrow. Book into a b&b then as if I went to my mothers he will just turn up there looking for me. Then when I am actually out give women's aid or the council a call and find out my options whilst in a safe environment. I even have a tracker he installed on my phone so I will have to remember to turn it off.

Oh darling, I (and most of MN) are thinking of you just now and willing you on. Tomorrow is going to be a wonderful day, with any luck, it's the start of the rest of your life.

You are totally doing the right thing, as everyone's already said, a pretty bad thing has happened to you today and you need to get out fast for your own sake. If you want, you can leave now and go straight to the police to report the crime. They can help you tonight if you're scared.

As for your son, you are being unbelievably strong and we all support you in what you're doing. Staying and your son watching his mum being abused is worse than leaving.

xxx

A tracker - in case it gets lost/stolen or to keep tabs on you

Sorry to hear that's alienated your from friends I'm sure they'll be pleased to hear that you've left him if you get in touch.

Stay calm. Pretend to be sleepy, tomorrow it will all be behind you.

Although your mother isn't the 'emotional' type, could she be the 'practical in a crisis' type? I don't think there are many mothers, regardless of what personal strengths/weaknesses they might have, who would want their daughter to suffer when they could help in some way.

I think that the friends you have lost touch with will certainly want to offer you support, even just in the coming months, and won't have forgotten you since you were last in touch.

Sorry you are going through this. He is definitely abusive and controlling, and it's pretty clear he has been quite systematic about it. It sounds as though you have reached your limit, made a decision (hopefully) and that you have your wits about you. Your escape plan sounds good. Please, please stick with it and try not to waver.

Best of luck.

Well he just came in acting as if nothing has happened hmm. Giving ds cuddles and kisses. He came right up behind me and gave me a cuddle from behind whilst I just stood there kind of frozen arms at my sides. Then he happily plods out of the room!

You know what this incident happened in front of ds. I am always bullied into sex during when ds is awake (though in his play pen and very unaware) and I have never been happy about it. I hope I have not caused any long term damage by staying even though he is only 10 months.

It's ok, let him think everything is as he wants it to be. Do not give him any hint of what's really going on with you. Tomorrow you can leave, just get through this evening.

And at 10 months your child won't know what's happening. It'll be different when he's older.

Thinking of you, OP. That's a really shitty thing to happen to you.

isit
"I didn't want him to grow up without a dad like I did"

That's very understandable, but even more so you don't want him to grow up with a father who shows him that it's OK to rape women.

You must leave tomorrow and get both of you to a place of safety.

You have a really good plan. Just stick to it and keep your mouth shut tonight, even if you're dying to blurt it all out, you are so much better off while he is unprepared.

Just wanted to add, can he check your phone records online? (this is how I discovered cheating bastard) but if he is clever enough he might think to and perhaps find the number for the b and b and find you. I know this sounds a bit far fetched but better safe than sorry so I would just turn up there in person rather than ring and pay with cash so there's nothing on your bank statement.

So sorry you're going through this. Stay strong for your lovely boy, you are setting him a great example.

Will be thinking of you x

Oh god this scenario with exp and I just plays out over and over. Op I left and I'm fine and the dc are fine. Lots of wrangling over contact but solicitor amazing and law on our side. Don't put up with this crap any longer you are worth so veryuch more x

A tracker? Ffs. Leave the phone behind but a pay as u ho tomorrow x

I cant add more to what the others have said apart from to say that as he isnt named on the birth certificate (what father doesnt want that? to avoid paying maintenance probably :( ) he has no parental rights unless he goes to court for them, which he wont be able to afford if he gambles all his money.

Good luck sweetie.

Whereabouts in the country are you? Maybe one of us is near you and could help?

Oh and.......change all your passwords (email, bank, phone records etc) tonight if you can or after he has left tomorrow so he cant access your stuff. Do it via your phone incase there is a key logger on your PC.

Another mumsnetter willing you on and hoping that you and your boy make it out safely. Good luck.

Take birth certificates, passports, copies of utility bills, bank statements, chequebooks, car insurance, driving licence etc.

Good luck

I am in devon. Lol yes there is a keylogger on my pc how predictable eh. Thanks for reminding me to change passwords etc. I will just go straight to a b&b too rather than ring round. I am shaking like a leaf at the moment at the thought of what is to come but I know I am strong enough. I have been technically a single parent since ds was born so no change there.

I guess the reality is starting to hit that I wil really be alone. The guilt is also kicking in about breaking up the family. I hope I can pack and get out before he gets back. He is an engineer and sometimes will only have one job in a day just down the road and be back within 20 minutes and it takes me that long to collect my car (he parks on the drive, makes me park about half a mile away). I wish I had the confidence to ask him what jobs he has tomorrow but I don't want to raise suspicions. I can not wait for this to all be over then I guess I will be having to deal with the attempts at contact, guilt trips and arranging visits with ds :(

If he has installed keylogger than there is no point changing passwords.

Could you accidently spill something on pc so it no longer works (he won't realise until you've gone) or is it a laptop you can take with you?

Sweetheart, gently but firmly, he raped you. He loses his rights over you, and he has broken up the family, not you. You are just protecting yourself and your son.

You are amazingly brave but why not call the police tomorrow morning and ask an officer to come and escort you off the premises? That way if he does come back, you have protection. I so wish I was closer otherwise I'd come and help you.

You will be able to get court orders to keep this man away from you. You will be able to insist that any contact he has with DS is supervised. You need never see him again, the law only requires contact to happen between him and DS; no law can make you have to see or speak to someone who has abused and raped you. Best of luck, you can get away and be happy and safe.

You have to allow him to see your DS, as he has no parental rights because, in law, he is not DSs parent.

He will need to prove he is his father and ask a court to grant parental responsibility first which is lenghty and expensive. Until he does that, you can just keep saying "no".

Yes, definitely use your phone to change your passwords. Are you currently using that PC to post on? Can you delete the history and clear the keylogger?