Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorcing Dad: Should the engagement ring be returned to me?

294 replies

Freshlygroundbeans · 25/05/2012 18:35

This is my first post on this website-

I have been married for almost 10months and am about to get a divorce. My partner is a solicitor and has drafted the Separation Agreement. The separation is by mutual agreement and will be uncontested.
The reasons for divorce are very complex. They relate to the children of a blended family and mental health issues. These issues were prevalent before we got married but became exacerbated after the wedding . There is a mutual feeling that we should never have got married.
Within the agreement she cites : ?The parties agree that she keep the engagement ring given to her by DH?. The ring is still being paid off and is a significant amount of money. Both parties will be undergoing financial strain when moving on. I will be leaving the home with my son and do not particularly want to be continuing making payments on an engagement ring !
I have asked her to return the ring whereby I will sell to retrieve the expense .My own reasons are that the ring is now meaningless and has no symbolic value. A sham. For my mind it would be an honourable gesture of her to return it to me.
Her response is that it is a gift. She even cites a law case stating that legally she is entitled to keep it .In this regard she may be correct. However, I think this is a ?moral issue? more than ?gift issue?. I intend to remain friends with her but I know my friendship will be determined by her attitude to this issue.
What are all your thoughts? What would you do?

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2012 00:00

Thank you so much for your support. Mumsnet was invaluable when I was in the depths of misery post-wedding and is still wonderful. STBXH states that he has no need to come back to thread as his stance was validated prior to my posting Hmm. Apparently, all posts since I explained who I was are irrelevant.

He's also searched my entire posting history and claims that all and everything I posted in the years on mumsnet backs up his view that I am a fucked up person with MH issues. Hey ho.

Last night he claimed all mental health issues could be overcome without the need for long-term medication and that people with schizophrenia don't actually hear things - it's all psychosomatic apparently Hmm. My history of depression he blames on my upbringing and on my parents and refuses to consider that it may simply be a chemical imbalance that's treatable with anti-depressants.

Frankly, I could go on all day but cannot be arsed to expend my energy on the negativity. I am just so looking forward to living my life the way I want to and only having to worry about DD, my family and my friends and not all of his bloody attitudes and relatives.

I think, though, that I feel older and wiser and at least know a lot more about warning flags and to listen to my instincts a lot more. Perhaps my yoga session today has helped my zen Wink

ChooChooLaverne · 27/05/2012 00:06

"Apparently, all posts since I explained who I was are irrelevant."

What a surprise!

Isn't it funny how people who have such an issue with people having (and accepting and therefore treating) their mental health issues usually have, er, issues of their own?

You are well rid of him Freckled. Onwards and upwards!

NicNocJnr · 27/05/2012 00:12

Oh diddums! He's looked all right, how sad he's all bent out of shape. he can discount my 'validation' btw, it doesn't count when you lie.
How do you not just laugh in his face? He is just ridiculously pathetic.

Glad you are feeling all zen! It's horrible you had to get involved with this type of person but at least he's been a stepping stone to a better future. Good God pity the one that ends up with him.

I can't imagine how great it must be to be able to live without having to even pretend to listen while expounds his views. We all know what you do to the dog that wont stop barking. Enjoy being happy and free!

MaBumble · 27/05/2012 00:28

I hope you get away from him soon. Trawling through your posting history, what a total invasion of privacy. Neverind invading your space here with his one sided biased twaddle. Taking ADs to controll a medical condition sounds very sensible to me, was he trying to suggest you come off them? Is he trying to bring you down? Isolate you from any support? Has he tried to get your friends on side by spreading the type of misinformation he did here?

Seriously, watch out for yourself

NameChangeaGoGo · 27/05/2012 01:06

If I were you I'd give him the ring. If it means you can get rid of him sooner then the ring really isn't worth it. I would not remain friends with him. A friend would not have researched your posting history.

Plus I notice his thead title starts 'Divorcing Dad'. But actually in the context of this dilemma, the fact that he is a dad is irrelevant, and is just there to make us feel sympathy before we start reading. Very manipulative.

MaBumble · 27/05/2012 01:20

I wouldn't give the ring back on principle. I had that opinion before I read the whole thread. It's an engagement ring, they got married. It's hers.

NameChangeaGoGo · 27/05/2012 01:28

She may be in the right to keep the ring. I just know I'd be happier without him in my life, and if the ring is all that's left to fight about I'd give him it.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 27/05/2012 06:18

I keep checking if the op has been back but I see he hasn't and diesn't intend to. What a spineless twat. He got the response he wanted, by some but not all posters I might add, by presenting a completely twisted version of events and only listened to who was agreeing with him then.

Are you sure you have to live with this guy still? Is there no other option? He sounds like such a moron, he must have your blood boiling all the time! You must be far more patient than me, because if I were you I would never want to see or speak to this man as long as I lived, well except in court to get my money back.

empirestateofmind · 27/05/2012 06:32

Freckled you are well rid of this man. He doesn't appear to have anything going for him and he and his family are just sponging off you. His attitude just stinks frankly. He sounds uneducated, although he seems to be able to spell.

When I heard he still had to pay 1500, I assumed this was the last couple of repayments on a massively expensive ring. But no it it the entire price. Neither of you should have spent so much but it really wasn't that expensive if you were having a cheap no frills wedding. Does he not have a job?

Personally I would give him the ring and never speak to him or his family ever again. You won't get much money for it, you don't like the associations and it won't mean anything to DD. So why hang on to it?

midwife99 · 27/05/2012 06:53

Well done freckled - you are a grown up! He however is a pond dweller (you can tell him I said so if you like!) Grin

MinnieBar · 27/05/2012 07:34

Freckled I'd change the terms of the divorce to unreasonable behaviour. Unless that would severely delay things?

ChasedByBees · 27/05/2012 07:45

I remember the original thread Freckled and hoped you had managed to get away from the arse that is your STBXH.

OP You have some nerve. The debt is not from the ring, it's the debt your sister ran up. You really are a pathetic excuse for a man.

KitCat26 · 27/05/2012 09:33

Have only read first page, but she should keep the ring. I kept my engagement ring and I didn't even marry my ex fiance (he kept my gift to him too).

Scrap value (which is all you would be offered for second hand jewellery) is somewhere around 10% of the retail price, so may not cover your repayments anyway.

olgaga · 27/05/2012 09:57

Keep the ring, Freckled. It's your ring, after all. You certainly deserve something nice after what you've been through.

OP get real. You'll be lucky to get more than about £150 for it in scrap value, and you'll still have to keep up the repayments. Serve you right for making utterly stupid financial decisions.

Face facts man - it's not the value of the ring which is at stake here, you've decided it's a point of principle. Ironic as you seem a little short on principles generally.

And by the way OP, since you take such a keen interest in mental health issues, you may want to refresh your knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm sure the definition and symptoms will sound familiar to you. Sadly there is no cure, and you will take these problems with you wherever you go.
www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

anniewoo · 27/05/2012 10:19

Was the ring £1500 or do you owe £ 1500 on it?Hmm

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 27/05/2012 10:34

The rest of the post makes for interesting reading kitkat. Good that you saw through the op immediately though! Smile

diddl · 27/05/2012 10:48

Freckled-how about give the ring back as final payment for the debt?

Catzzndogzz · 27/05/2012 11:16

Bloke here. Also a lawyer (not matrimonial though).

I suspect the engagement ring was a gift given in contemplation of marriage, and as you married her then the ring is hers. If the ring is still being paid off, by you alone on your credit card or such, then I suspect you alone are stuck with that obligation.

But no one should go through a divorce, no matter how apparently simple, without advice, and you are disadvantaged if she is a lawyer.

A basic question: who owns/leases the house? You may have a negotiating lever.

iloveACK · 27/05/2012 11:32

Good luck Freckled - you are well rid of him.

MadamFolly · 27/05/2012 12:52

What a twat

Becksharp · 27/05/2012 14:09

It was a gift, you don't take gifts back - it no longer belongs to you. She's in the right legally and I think it is quite frankly rude for you to ask. The fact that you expect her to give a gift back says to me that she's the one who's made a lucky escape.

Becksharp · 27/05/2012 14:10

My other point was, you can't legally get divorced before a year is up!

MaBumble · 27/05/2012 14:12

I think that's why they are very sensibly doing a seperation agreement now Becks

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 27/05/2012 14:15

Wow, Freckled, definitely keep the ring. Even if you only get a couple of hundred for it, you could use it to pay for a lovely treat for you and your mum.

Personally, I'd rather throw it in the sea than return it if I was in your situation.

Congratulations on getting rid of this arse and best of luck for the future.

Becksharp · 27/05/2012 16:56

Ha! I posted without reading the thread! What a dick you are OP! Lucky escape indeed freckled...