"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

Mathanxiety, that's exactly what I'm afraid of with Glad's girls. I'd be so happy to know that he's satisfied with doing only what Glad knows about, but I don't believe it.

Glad, kids say what they think you want to hear. I suspect they are terrified of him but don't dare say anything to you, from fear of reprisals from him, for fear of hurting you. When you have shown them how much you love them and care for them and they feel safe and secure, then it'll start coming out.

Bumble

I appreciate what you're saying but the OP needs a dose of reality.

Do you think it's a good idea to ask somebody you believe to have dropped your child on the floor on purpose (because the OP does believe it) to babysit?!

Do you think it is logical that she is still there blogging and leaving her children in his care whilst she pops out for a run?

Like Missfaversham says, OP is put off by the reality of the posts.

It's very sad she has left, but I also hope the dose of reality has meant she has got off her arse and got her children out that situation.

You are so right Math and Jux there will be a few more revelations from the dc once they are away and not scared anymore or in the case of the youngest realising that it's not actually ok for "daddy" to be like this as she gains more understanding.

Yes jux the h's body lAnguage will speak in volume of his disdain for the dds. They will flower without his disapproving influence. It really is sadness that is motivating us to post. Your dds shouldn't feel how they do.

Jux, thank you for posting politely. As I said in my earlier post, I think there is good info and kind sentiment behind most of the posts but the way it is being put across is just very rude and almost comes across as bullying. It's a shame because I do think a lot of being said was true. I just think that some people got a bit carried away and it has actually had the opposite effect. The OP was defending her H in the last post :( I hope she does take something from the thread and gets herself and the girls moved out quickly.

Oops, last post directed at XxToni, not Jux - sorry!

Bumble - I mean this in a kind way really I do. When I first came on these boards I thought Blimey, they're harsh but I know if I was in trouble who I'd like to be standing firm in my corner and to be honest it's the ones that are harsh because sitting on the fence in these instances, especially where children are concerned is not the right way to go.

I feel her children are at risk and so do all the other posters and I'm VERY fierce where my child is concerned, if there was the slightest inclination, whether he be the bio father or not, that he had harmed a hair on the childs head or wasn't correct in his emotional parenting skills, he would be gone.

bumble There was a thread on here a couple of years ago or so where the OP swore that her "D"P would never, ever harm her - although he came pretty close to harming her DC. The violence was limited to throwing things at walls etc.... and posters here told her to get herself and her child out of there. Seriously, it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. It was absolutely dreadful. Her attitude to posters was very similar to gladiolus'.

A very short while later, she came back to post that her "D"P had beaten her up and had left her lying out on the pavement..... We never heard from her again. Such a sad thread, that one. Many outspoken posters on this thread were around at that time, and probably posted on that thread too.

Sometimes, you need to be outside the situation in order to see it clearly. By being outspoken, very often you break through that fog that surrounds the OP on these threads.

MissF and Lemony, I think there's being blunt and to the point and then there's being rude, offensive and bullying. Not everyone likes or can cope with the 'tough love' approach. (I know I would hate it!) I know some posters are renowned for that approach and others seem to be following suit but when lots of people post like that one after another it just comes across as an attack. I have seen excellent posters on other threads get it just right - sensitive but with just the right amount of push to encourage the OP to take action.

I am not sitting on the fence about gladi leaving. I think she has made the right decision for her and the girls and I do think she should leave sooner rather than later but I do think people went a bit overboard with their approach and instead of 'breaking through the fog' they just made the OP defensive and pushed her away.

bumbley I know where you're coming from - sometimes I read threads on here and the majority response seems to be 'leave the bastard' even if the man's actions really don't warrant that response.

However, I don't believe this particular scenario is one of those and while some people could be more 'thoughtful' in the language they use, it's one of the characteristics of MN that you get a wide range of personalities on here - and unless you're totally new to MN, you understand why different people post in the differing ways that they do. In the OP's case, I do think a lot of what people were saying made her uncomfortable because she's feeling it herself but doesn't want to hear it in quite such blunt terms. Doesn't mean it's not worth saying in the first place.

You also have to bear in mind all the differing factors. In this case, op started by saying that she had wanted to leave for a long time. Some ops haven't got anywhere near that stage. Some have children who are young enough to recover quite quickly once they are away from the abusive behaviour. Some abusers are more dangerous than others etc.

Gladiolus said straight away she wanted to go. She had already decided.
She has children who are old enough to remember clearly what is going on, the older one is likely to be severely affected for the rest of her life.
Her abuser is very dangerous, and abuses the children too, especially the older girl, who has been suffering for a long time already.

Those are the reasons why I am finding it really hard to be fluffy and nice on this thread.

I agree Jux, Very hard to be fluffy and nice when in reality OP is still putting her children at risk whilst she writes a blog, hunts for sofas and asks the man to babysit?! It just doesn't seem very logical.

You don't have to be fluffy to be nice.

lemony I remember that poster

it was a very sad and frightening state of affairs

all the warnings that her respondents had given her came completely to pass almost to the letter

what people forget is that many posters on MN have been through something similar and recognise the "script" of the abuser (there always is one)

I know Bumbley...

But what's the nice way of saying your being irresponsible and putting your children in danger just because you're so ecstatic you're finally leaving him.

It's as thought the OP has forgotten that the bloke dropped her baby on the floor on purpose... I can't get over the fact she asked him to babysit.

*though