"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

Good luck, gladiolus (but please get off the internet and protect your family)

Have you told anyone your dds description of dropping yet?

Any friend that told me it in real life I would say do not leave your children with him.

I think some people are feeling a bit exasperated out of concern for you and in particular your children.
It has made my heart sink that you will now not post for support.
I hope you get out. I hope you will not go back on the decision you made to protect and i mean emotionally protect, your daughters.
Itll be on my mind and im sure im not alone. Good luck op.

Well this tread proves that denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

God help those poor kids.

I'm actually starting to wonder if the OP is for real.

The man dropped your child on the floor, says he doesn't love them and told you if you dare go out with your friends he will call social services... yet you reckon he is not "some kind of evil monster".

Either your making this all up or you're in complete denial as to what this man may do to hurt you. I fear for you're children :(

and I am sorry cos I have been guilty of a few swear words, but GLAD you need to put things in perspective...

You've announced you're leaving him, started up a blog and are shopping for sofas. It all seems very la dee da. This man dropped your child on the floor on purpose, why are you waiting it out to argue over house hold appliances? Get a solicitor, let them do that and you take your children to safety. Don't pretend they are safe, they are not. Controlling, manipulative people who can be violent (which your husband is...) get desperate. People on this thread have already predicted ways he'll try to manipulate you and he seems like a textbook case.

Don't risk your children please.

I was married to an abusive man for a long time. And I always used to say but he's a great father blahblahblah even tho one evening in a fit of rage he had left my then four year old alone in a dark house and fucked off, because I had been waiting for a bus to get home yet he had refused to take our baby to the childminder who lived up the road or to bring her to me in the car on his way out.

Glad you're living in an abusive relationship, you have done for a long time, your sense of danger is completely out of kilter. Alarm bells are ringing for all of us reading this thread.

You know even if you're right & he's a wonderful amazing lovely human being, excersising caution can't hurt.

Get passports, birth certificates, bank statements together, favourite toys & clothes & go. Enlist a couple of friends to help. Things can be replaced you & your girls can't.

All of the things you've said about him are abnormal behaviour. None of it is in the realm of normal relationship difficulties. You at leAst need to take this from thread.

Talk to real life friends describing same stuff on here incl honeymoon etc it ain't normal - its abusive controlling behaviour. Control motivates him not love.

I believe your perception of acceptable has become skewered which is what always happen when you are living with it.

We all know he has wonderful attributes too. He obviously must as you wouldn't have married him.

There is not a person who didn't at some stage say he's not capable of violence and laughed at the idea. That's how it works. However on reflection they saw controlling behaviour and this is it's natural progression.
Also in my experience. Ioence started 4 years in with no previous incident. That is other than the controlling behaviour.

You have dds to think of. What do friends think of the list of his previous behaviour combined with dd incident?

You shouldn't tell husband further re dd but real life people that know him tell them and watch their reaction/

I'm not going to shout or swear. I'm just going to say that it is a matter of well-documented fact that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is the time when the abused person is leaving. It would be unusual for him not to have some kind of explosion around this time.

OP - instead of thinking that people on here are trying to get at you, try to take their words as evidence as the amount that people care about the wellbeing of you (a stranger on the internet) and your children. Isn't that great? There are people out there so concerned for your welfare that they get quite upset when they feel that you and your girls might be in danger, and you don't even know them.

No-one's trying to bully you off your own thread. But lots of people who've been through it are saying - be careful. Control is his lifeblood. You're taking control from him. You have no previous evidence to go on as to how he will react.

the man has no blood tie to your children he doesnt like your oldest dd never has .
he has been aggressive with your youngest
you really cannot afford to take a risk of leaving him to babsit your children.

when he said he will leave them in house and call SS you need to take that seriously.

he has no reason to protect your children - nothing to lose now as you leaving him.
you just dont know what is in his mind.

none of us thought our exes would do what they did (aggression, physical violence etc) until they did .....

i e tthat you want to natter with your friend - but move out first !

or take dds with you - just dont leave them in his control . for any even short time.

I keep coming back to this thread even though I'm a complete stranger because like the rest of the people on this board I genuinely care about the welfare of yourself and your children.

There are 413 messages on this thread, we are all strangers... do you really think we are trying to bully you? The conclusions drawn by the posters are from the information you have provided. Total strangers can spot that the man you live with is a threat to your children.

Think about the reality of what you are saying...
You believed he dropped your baby on the floor in anger and yet you're asking him to babysit?!
You say he isn't "some kind of evil monster" and that you trust him because he only hurt your children once... is once acceptable? If you really trusted him you would of never of doubted him and created this thread!
Your little girl wished that your family would move out for her birthday - I felt so terribly sad reading that as I'm sure many posters did.

The things you have shared have caused total strangers to be anxious over your safety and yet you don't seem to be worried for yourself at all. People on here are worried about your lack of haste, you have time to shop for sofas and blog, you're waiting about to pack and arguing with him over appliances. Ditch the house, ditch the appliances - please just make giving your children a safe loving environment your priority.

Gladiolus, good luck with your move. I'm sorry that the hysterical rantings of some people on this board have put you off. I agree with you that people need to step back and have a think about what they are posting. There is probably some good info and kind sentiment in most of the posts but it really does get lost in the bossy and abusive tone that people use. Quite hypocritical when they are encouraging you to leave a verbally abusive relationship!

I'm sorry I swore on your thread, Gladiolus.

I am desperately worried about your two girls. I can't stop thinking about them. The older one rejected and unloved in her own home, and the younger? Well, I can't bear to go further. I try every day to keep away from this thread. My heart sinks every time I come back to it and find you're still there. Truthfully, if it were just you I'd have forgotten about it some time ago, you're a grown up and can make your own choices. I could hide the thread, but I look at that button, and I can't do it.

Please take this as a measure of concern for your children. Please don't wait until another thing happens. Your solicitor can sort out all the practical divvying up of stuff, and will ensure it is done fairly, so you don't lose out. Just focus on the immediate necessities.

Glad -- it won't be murder in your sleep. It will be far more subtle, and hard to tell if it was him or some sort of accident, like the incident where he dropped your DD (or perhaps she fell...) Or it will be some sort of horrible verbal abuse directed at your girls.

Do you have a specific day marked on the calendar when you will be at your mum's with your DDs, safe and sound?

You can hire a solicitor to go after what is rightfully yours and arrange a division of the items from the house. Please do not engage in any arguing about the household items with this man in the meantime. Take pictures of the items you want. If he destroys them or damages them when you leave he can be made to compensate you. A solicitor will also help you with the money you have put into the house. Your H can't ignore a solicitor. He can try to fight you but he will need a sol of his own to do so and they mostly try to talk sense to their clients about the small potatoes such as washing machine, iron, etc.

Sweetheart guess what happened a couple of weeks ago.

I knew this lovely girl who took her DS to the same school as mine. We used to chat about everyday stuff.

The love she had for her DS shone from her.

They were always together her and her DS.

I'd heard through the grapevine from others at the school that her charming, good looking hubby was "a bit of a bully"

That lovely girl is now dead and she can no longer be that wonderful mum to her son.

That is very true, Akaemmafrost.

It was only after exH and I separated that I started hearing from the DCs about many 'small' incidents where he had slyly abused them behind my back when I was in the house I would be in the kitchen for instance, while they were in the sittingroom. He had kicked and pinched them not hard enough to knock them over or leave a mark, and he had put his clenched fist put in their faces, making his trademark furious facial expression that I thought he reserved for me alone. They did not tell me any of this while we were still under the same roof. I had stopped going out on my own and leaving them with him because I had the feeling when I came home and found them all sitting silently on the couch staring at the tv that they had not been having a happy time when I was away. I didn't know the half of it.

Alaemma have managed to steadfastly avoid any post by bumbley but really her last one is so laughable it cant be ignored. As politely as possible : do one - you are a genuine chocolate teapot. Go and argue somewhere it might be useful - mirror maybe?

Aka, I haven't been abusive at all towards the OP in any of my posts. You, on the other hand, have. (as have others on this thread) I hope you take a good hard look at yourself. You may be trying to be helpful but the way you come across is very aggressive. Look at the post you just wrote to me - ridiculous. I guess the truth hurts.

I stepped away because all the silly bickering was hardly helpful to the OP. Not that the abuse she got was any help to her either and now she's been completely put off the thread. Well done.

Wow. Some people really can't accept criticism can they...

Do you honestly think this was a good outcome for the thread?

Ignore service is resumed.

Where have I been abusive to the OP. please feel free to quote me and then piss off as requested previously. Many thanks.

I fear she's been "put off the thread" due to it being too honest for her liking at the moment as she's in denial.

I'm sure the at the end of the day the direct comments will be the ones that stay with her and ultimately help her do what's right for her children.

Pacifying someone in denial is NEVER a good thing bumble whether you meant to do this or not.