"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

'That's private' -

Do be very careful though, when he starts to realise you are not backing down he will probably get quite shitty and the 'natural' progression is to physical violence. (I know I'm not the first to say this, I just think you need to keep hearing it, so you can be prepared, even if you think it's unlikely).

As soon as you have told your Mum you should take your important paperwork & very sentimental things around there, leave as little in your house as you can that you would be devastated to lose.

Do you not think telling your Mum would make her day?

It would sound to me like she was kicking and wriggling and he dropped her. Dd does this when she has a tantrum, she throws her body backwards etc and I have nearly dropped her before. But I am only soeculating. You need to speak to dp and trust your judgement really. She probably was feeling hard done by, hence the tone of cry?

Just realised I have responded to the op and this is a very long thread. Will read back and possibly revise post if necessary!

Tell your mum on Monday then.

He is actively fighting for control. He is using the carrot for now.

mathanxiety - you are 100% RIGHT.

(caps lock by mistake but seems appropriate to leave it as is)

He's just gone. He's staying at his parents' tonight. I had the whole, "Can't we try one more time?" and "I do love you, you know."

He did help me with the party preparations but I made the point that's not enough to just be nice long enough to get me to stay - he has to be nice the rest of the time also, and he's just not.

I haven't told him that I still think he dropped dd2 though - because I have no proof and that's something he can say, "You're leaving me on the word of a 4-year old?" about.

It's not just about that, but that is what he'd latch onto.

I haven't even told my best friend about that and she still thinks I'm making the right decision based on everything else.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back, but you had many many reasons before that happened. If your relationship had been great, or even reasonable, you would never have thought for one second that he'd do such a thing, so in a way is a red herring.

You're right to keep dd out of any discussion with dh.

I don't think anyone would want to live with this child man - he needs a mum to constantly explain how to behave. For instance the milk thing I see as bit of a tic that he needs to get on top of. There are so many more (and obv more serious issues) for him to get on top of that he really it would require all your energies on him.

Given his weird attitude to your kids - your energies are better spent focusing on them rather than him. No doubt he had a weird family dynamic growing up, however, that's for him to resolve. You've got your own kids to ensure don't grow up to accept shit from their partners.

Remember he's still playing a game so I'd be cautious not to antagonise him ie saying conversation was private. Obv that said to anyone else is entirely normal however with him it may best to say along lines of "if we're both unhappy it's sensible etc.

Remember his fuse will be getting shorter under the smiles/sadness. You should stay wary.

'I haven't told him that I still think he dropped dd2 though - because I have no proof and that's something he can say, "You're leaving me on the word of a 4-year old?" about.
It's not just about that, but that is what he'd latch onto.'

You know him well. This is the sort of argument style that would do your head in eventually. There is no point in discussion of the ins and outs of what happened, who did what. Do not get dragged into any conversation or texting match.

Best to play your cards very close to your chest now, and to continually move forward on your own. That question of his earlier about whether you had told your best friend was intended to sound you out about how serious you are this time. I think his disappearance to his parents' is partly designed to make you feel lonely and partly to make himself a man of mystery -- make you guess what he is feeling, what he is doing, what he is saying to his parents; in other words to keep you focused on him all the time. You need to focus on yourself and your plans to leave.

Ah well, I ended up telling everyone at the party anyway. I'm rubbish at lying so when everyone asked where he was, I just told them.

Not one single person has suggested I should try to work it out. What does that tell you?

My sister and my niece both knew we were going to counselling so they weren't perhaps as surprised as my parents, who had no idea. But even my parents have seen us having problems so they weren't that surprised either.

I keep getting these waves of sadness and I force myself to remember the bad times so that I won't remember the good times :(

ahhhh gladiolus
their silence speaks volumes doesn't it

take care x

Don't waiver.

I know it's really really hard, but he wont change and you & the girls all deserve much much better!

As I said before, get your important papers, stuff you are sentimentally attached to etc to your Mums. He will turn nasty, it's only a matter of time and you need to be able to grab the girls and leave - leaving behind minimal important stuff. I'd do it tonight if I were you, while he's at his parents.

gladiopus, you are proppa impressive

keep going, love x

gladiopus ?

gladiolus

It's amazing how much others notice even if you think they're oblivious.

I think you should be making tracks now. What can your mum do for you?

This is going to be sad for you and there will be a grieving process because you invested yourself in this. Not as sad as it would be if you stayed though.

I can't believe how cruel people can be on here! The OP is clearly not a bad Mum and loves her Daughter or she wouldn't have posted! Get off your high horses!

Read the full thread.

How are you doing and is there any progress on the 'moving on with your life' front?

OK. I have read the blog. You are really making progress and well done.

You need a solicitor. You need to get back the money you paid into his house. There is no way he should get away with screwing you over about the washing machine and the iron when there is money of yours in his house.

FFS OP - DO NOT leave your DC in the house on their own with him.

From - your blog - My friend is coming round on Thursday and we were going to go to the local for a quick drink and a natter. Even though the girls will be in bed and he wouldn't have to do anything, it occurred to me that I had better check this was okay, in light of what has happened.

Well, he went ballistic. I am totally out of order to ask him to look after the kids and if I dare go out he will go out also after I am gone, leaving the kids totally alone. Not only that he will call Social Services on me for 'abandoning' them.

So, I can't go. I can't leave my children unless there is a responsible adult to look after them, which he clearly is not.

I haven't told him I go running every morning while he is still asleep! Well, dd2 is also in bed and dd1 is old enough to look after herself for half an hour! I quite like it when he is vile to me, it reinforces my decision! It puts me off kilter when he is being nice.

I repeat - do not leave your DC alone in the house with him. Not for one second. Do not go running in the morning until you are away from him.

I have not read the whole thread - read the very begining a few days ago. I just read the last page of thre thread and saw your blog and was so worried that I have logged on just to post.

From OP's Tuesday post "But I have to work at it, right? I have seen threads on here where the first course of action recommended is counselling"

No - you don't have to work at it.

Counselling NOT recommended in abusive relationships.

sorry obvs people have posted the above days ago

OMGGGGGG

No way can you leave the children with him.
Stop running (am x posting here) until you are on your own.

This is a cold, hard hearted, selfish and violent man who will do whatever he wants to punish you and will not hesitate to use the children. He is very, very angry with you. The question is when and not if he will explode.

Get out!!! Even if you have to move in with your mum until you find a house, you need to get out ASAP.

math - glad you are back on thread.

OP - stop fucking around looking at sofas and move out to your parents now.

He is thinking of calling social services... He has told you what is in his mind. Read the warning signs. He will sound plausible, smooth etc.