"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

What he said re SS is beyond vindictive - it's actually abnormal. I would not expect normal behaviour from someone capable of such thought processes.

You've seen a glimpse of his shortening fuse. I wouldn't expose dds to any further games from this man.

I understand what you're all saying and the comment about SS was beyond vile. However, I seriously don't think he will hurt the children. Aside from the incident that prompted this thread in the first place he has never been violent towards them. I have questioned dd1 (the 11yo) on the matter and I feel certain she would tell me if he ever had been.

I am seriously considering sending them to my parents' next week though as it is half term. I need to be here to pack my stuff, and I can sleep on one of their beds if necessary.

Gladiolus
WAKE UP!

Aside from the incident that prompted this thread in the first place he has never been violent towards them. I have questioned dd1 (the 11yo) on the matter and I feel certain she would tell me if he ever had been

He is going to be looking for all the ways to hurt you now, he's threatened you with social services and there has been that one incident where you do think he hurt your daughter. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL THERE? If you stay he has opportunity, go to your mum and dads or a friends etc.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Because I can't pack my stuff from my parents' house. :)

I expect the women whose children have been killed by a vindictive partner all said "he would never hurt his kids" too

This man dropped a 4yo from an adult height. he did this when apparently calm.

Just think what he would do when he's worked himself into a manufactured RAGE?

Now that he knows you are actually leaving him, now that you have refused to change your mind, despite his nice act, exactly what do you think he will use next, more nice? No, he'll get nasty, he's started with the SS threats.

If you are leaving him because of his abuse against your DC, you can't leave them in the house with him.

glad - if word gets out that you left him asleep with the DC in the house and then you are stopping contact due to his abuse of the DC, you will have totally compromised any chance you have of protecting them.

Be smart.

Crikey. He doesn't care about the kids, he doesn't love them. He sees them as a part of you that he has had to put up with in order to keep you. Well - now he's not keeping you anyway, is he? And he's ANGRY with you. You said it yourself. What makes you think that he would protect them from danger? He IS danger.

Would you leave your kids alone in the house with another adult who wasn't related to them, was cruel to them and bore you an enormous grudge? If not, why not?

He has no right to contact iirc as they are not his.

But Gladiolus, you would still be questioned very seriously by police, etc., if anything were to happen to the girls while you are there under his roof.

You are underestimating what this man is capable of doing in order to hurt you, Gladiolus. He may not be interested in hurting the children per se, but at this point he has told you with the SS remark that he wants to hurt you as badly as he can and there is no way you can predict what he will or won't do or what he will or won't use now that you are leaving.

He has already throughout this relationship used the children and your relationship with them to exert control over you. He will do it again without batting an eye, that much is certain, if you give him the chance.

That threat of SS was meant to put fear in your heart and imply that he is capable of taking your children from you one way or another.

Please make packing and leaving your number one priority. Don't run. Don't do laundry. Don't do a grocery shop. Don't cook. Take a day off work. Pack clothes and personal belongings and books/toys that you are able to carry out the door and take them to your mum's.

You can sort out the washing machine and the iron and getting your money back out of the house afterwards when you get a solicitor.

What better way to hurt you and punish you than to hurt the girls that are so dear to you or take them from you?

Gladioulus -

Don't get me wrong I'd usually say to people that someone in your situation may not be able to get away etc, but it really seems you're happy giving it time whilst you hunt for a sofa and going out on your morning runs. You don't see this lunatic as a threat to your children because he's only hurt one of them once? Once is too bloody many.

You may well not be able to pack from your parents house... but come on women more haste, your children are not safe living with a fucking lunatic.

Please make packing and leaving your number one priority. Don't run. Don't do laundry. Don't do a grocery shop. Don't cook. Take a day off work. Pack clothes and personal belongings and books/toys that you are able to carry out the door and take them to your mum's

^^ I agree Mathanaxiety

stop blogging and get on with it

It's almost as thought the OP is so euphoric about the fact that she will be leaving that the urgency of leaving has passed her by. OP it's not a fait accompli. You are still there, so are your children. He's an angry pathetic arse with nothing to lose and you are under his roof.

When I said I wanted those, he started making a fuss saying that he has to wash and iron his clothes too! Yet he has a £2K TV in the living room and another in his office (both bought since we got married) and I haven?t asked for any of the TVs, so I will have to buy one, along with a suite and a bed.

You are still there because you don't want creases in your fucking clothes? Seriously if you have to do the washing in a bloody bath, don't argue over an iron you can buy a value one in Argos for £3.79.

As for a TV, yes it would be lovely to have one but what your children need most is to be safe, to be living in a house where you lunatic husband is not a threat.

Your leaving, it's an amazing brave choice but do it, do it now. Possessions are just things, you can buy new things... you cannot buy new children or undo hurt torment and pain.

You can't base decisions on whether your dd says he's not been physical previously. He had control of everyone and everything previously. FFS he even had control of milk tops.

You are in unchartered territory: don't try to predict further nutty behaviour based on the past.

Agree with everyone above.

Your children don't like him and he doesn't like them. Need anymore be said on asking him to babysit? He is looking for ways to punish you and without you there to protect them from his vicious tongue let alone potential for violence.

Whoever above said he sees kids as an extension of you that he previously tolerated is spot on. He will turn nasty.

It may be you don't understand controlling men and once you've left be good time to read up. But now calls for action.

Can you not imagine how he would get so angry that you were out discussing him? He would go nuts as outside people being involved proves ultimate loss of control to Milk top man. His world is spinning out of his control and don't under estimate his state of mind.

Remember how ballistic he went when you asks him to babysit? How ballistic would he go if you found out that he was left on his own with the children?

Whilst he may not deliberately hurt them, he could maybe arrange 'an accident' to show you what a dangerous position you've left them in by abandoning them - maybe a hot iron left out in reach, matches to play with... Please don't leave them with him.

Also you're being far far too generous financially. You've ploughed your savings into his house so you need them back. This is money to provide for your daughters' futures. I agree with Math, get a solicitor.

Please stop pissing about; just GO.

Please do not leave them with hm.
Past non violence is not an indicator or what he might do now you said you leaving. It will only take one "accident"
It isn't worth the risk is it ?
You said yourself dd does not like him.
You are leaving him.
Do not use him for baby sitting take the kids to your friends and do not leave them unattended with this man.
You cannot know what is in his mind.
You do know he is verbally abusive and controlling.

There is a first time for every abusive act. So you cannot judge on past behaviour. You are taking a very serious risk here by not prioritising Getting You and the DC Out.

Forget the blog.

Pack.

What are you thinking?? Get OUT!

Really, just get out. Fuck next week, do it NOW. How much more time do you want to give him to 'arrange an accident' to prove to SS that you are a crap Mum, turn violent next time you say something he doesn't like...

Next time he's out of the house, get your parents and any friends around, load up all of the cars and get the fuck out. Take what you need that's easy to transport. Take your share of things. But most, just get you, the kids, important documents, sentimental things , kids other toys/clothes, your clothes etc and get OUT.

Stop fecking blogging and just get on with it.

Ive been lurking and dont normally post on relationship threads but glad, please see that everyone wants you and your dd's to be safe. Leaving is a big scary step i know but you have to do it. Ive been in a similar position in the past and it took me too long to go. Once i did, although i left all my belongings behind, it was the best thing i ever did. No more fear for you or your dd's. Please get out asap. x

Okay.

You all have some idea that he is some evil monster who will murder us all in our sleep. My God you lot have vivid imaginations.

Yes, we've had problems, yes I'm leaving him but I know him and he is not that kind of person.

Some people on here, however, are becoming increasingly bullying and nasty.

Swearing at me? Calling me attention-seeking? I class that as abuse when it comes from my husband! Why should I take it off you? You really know how to turn on someone when they don't do exactly what you say at your timescale. Sound familiar?

I came here for help. I got some. I've made a decision. I'm acting on it.

I have asked that this thread be deleted and I won't be posting again.

Thank you to those who have helped and to the others, maybe you should examine your own behaviour. Just because you have a vagina doesn't automatically make you a nice person.

If I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!

Being sworn at or abused isn't right at all but please try and recognise the 'shouts' on here and the advice is coming from solid experience and knowledge by many posters, not vivid imaginations. Every day partners turn violent because their control has been taken away from them by partners who are leaving, and those partners previously thought they knew the person they were living with and were 100% sure they'd never do anything like that. It happens so often it's a recognised pattern, experts have written about it, people who work in domestic violence know about it and advise partners who are leaving a controlling relationship to make the break quickly rather than taking their time.

I appreciate the image of your family 'being murdered in our sleep' seems far too extreme to entertain but does a moment of mad rage where a few punches result in broken ribs and a week's hospital stay seem completely out of the question? Because that's perfectly realistic, happens every single day. And many it happens to thought there was no chance it ever could. And horribly sometimes it happens to the children too. This isn't scaremongering, sadly this is life for many, MANY people, too many people unfortunately.

THIS is why (imo) many posters are screaming at you to get out, not because they're trying to control you too but because they know what can easily happen - the same way a fire safety advert shows you children dying in their beds, not to get at you but because things you thought wouldn't happen can. Please at least do some research on what domestic violence agencies advise and take note.