"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

Your poor baby. Remember what she showed you, hang onto it, it'll help you stay resolute.

Well done for being brave enough to be honest with yourself. You're a good mum, about to be even greater!

Well done and as previously said you sound like a lovely person but living in a sad situation where no-one knew which way was up anymore.

The way you've graciously reacted on this thread proves just what a great
Mum you will be now you've rediscovered your sense of what's best for you all. You all deserve to live in a more peaceful environment.

Hopefully with this new certainty you will begin to feel distance towards him and have no desire to respond to his ea.

I agree that the math quote you picked out is very powerful and cuts to the core of the situation; almost chilling in accuracy of the losing yourself in the power games you've been trying to make sense of.

I think you'll surprise yourself and rediscover the lioness within you for your dds.

A massive well done from me too OP.

That's 3 of you who basically want the same thing. That must make it so much easier for you.

Keep posting, won't you?

Good luck.

good for you.
but if you can move to our mothers do so, you dont want to be staying around while he gets even more irate .

bearing in mind he may get [more] [physically] violent if he believes/once he realises you will leave this time. please be careful and be aware - have a bag packed.

dont know if he got Pr when you married but as he not bio father you can just cut his contact with you dds .

no pr op. sorry for quick post ive got sleeping baby on me

He doesn't have PR. We did talk this morning - quite calmly. He said he wanted to be sure that we were definitely 100% finished and I said yes.

He actually said that he was relieved too, then treated me to a calm run down of all my failings which contributed to our marriage failing.

I told him I think it started as far back as our honeymoon (we had a row because he was bored and grumpy at the Colosseum and was spoiling my enjoyment of it. Later I went for a walk on my own to get away from him and when I came back to the hotel he accused me of sleeping with an Italian, saying "It didn't take you long, did it?"). He actually said he thought it started before then.

I am sad, but because of the loss of what might have been. It could have been so much better. But I'm not sad about the decision I have made.

Just wondered whether other people in your life know how unhappy you've all been?

If not (and even if they do) be aware some people will try to minimise your experiences " he's bit grumpy; it's not that bad; you might not meet anyone else etc".

However you need to remember that the heart aching sadness you've been living with is not easy to explain to other people. Discuss with people you know properly understand you and you don't have to justify decision to.

You mentioned up thread you'd stuck with it as otherwise you'd feel a failure.

Using the lioness theme again: don't think of yesterday as the day you ended your marriage - it was the day you found your strength and roared. That is not failure it is admirable.

I don't mind if I don't meet anyone else. It's better to be on your own than with the wrong person.

Seen with hindsight the Colosseum incident was a massive red flag. In fact that makes him sound barking.

Good luck OP and to your precious girls.

be careful op - his calmness is scary ....

Yes, be careful sweetheart. Don't you think it would be better for you to go to your mums now?

You are well rid. Your honeymoon argument is indicative that he's every bit as manipulative as we'd suspected.

I'm not convinced by his "relief" followed by list of criticisms; sounds to me like more "push me pull me" games that his type seem fond of.

Keep on your toes for further games from him; being charming and deigning to give you the opportunity to correct yourself to his standards.

He'll probably use your very natural reaction of sadness to get the violins out over good times and way it could have been ( obviously that's shorthand for not doing exactly as he says).

Remember your sadness is natural but based on a fantasy version of him. Remember the reality.

His reaction on honeymoon makes him sound ridiculous! Never EVER has anyone I've been in a relationship with accused me of sleeping with someone else, let alone on honeymoon, let alone because I'd gone for a walk. What on earth did you think at the time?

I agree with previous posters that his calmness and relief now will be an act. He's hoping that him acting like this will force you to bend to his will again, to "win" him back and blame yourself. This will probably be replaced by anger when he realises he is HELPLESS to change your feelings and behaviour. He doesn't want to be rejected, he wants to have people to bully. So please be careful. At least gather some precious things - photos, documents, favourite toys of the children, a couple of changes of clothes, passports - into a bag and keep it at someone else's house.

Stay resolute my love.

he is absolute text book abuser.

If you haven't already read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft, I urge you to do so. It really will help you see that this is HIS choice and that he could stop anytime he likes, but won't.

Expect him to get angry, plan for it. Ride it out as long as there is no personal risk to you or yours, if you feel afraid at anytime, please call 999.

I agree with making a flight bag up, I'm hopeful it won't be needed, but if he can drop a 4yo on the floor, imagine what he can do once he's manufactured enough anger to kick off at you?

The anger IS manufactured btw. The Colosseum event started with him being grumpy, designed for you to act in a way (any way) to give him any lame excuse to kick off at you.

His admission of his abuse of you starting earlier than the Colosseum scene SCREAMS volumes at ME to be honest, in that it shows that he KNOWS he's doing what he's doing and it starts so subtly that we often miss the signs. he knew what he was doing before you noticed.

Indeed hissy; keeping OP on back foot is his game. Was on honeymoon and stil is currently. No point wondering why: just know that's what he's doing and observe.

You no longer need be drawn in; don't attempt to defend yourself from verbal character assassinations just accept and disengage.

This however may antagonise him as he will know he's lost his power over you.

The bag and mentally preparing yourself to know if and when to use are not melodramatic; it really should be top of your list. Fingers crossed not needed.

You are "under his roof" still, make that call to your mum.

It's my daughter's birthday party tomorrow. I'm not cancelling that and he's said he'll stay out of the way tomorrow.

After that, we'll see how things go. If he starts to get nasty, we'll be going to my mum's.

"Never EVER has anyone I've been in a relationship with accused me of sleeping with someone else, let alone on honeymoon, let alone because I'd gone for a walk. What on earth did you think at the time?"

I was devastated. It was meant to be our special time and he'd ruined it. This wasn't the only thing either. Out of the fourteen days we probably argued four of them.

Well I dated a bloke once that accused me of shagging the BT man. Told him he was right on the button. Told him the BT man was much better at it than him, he was also far more useful

He sounds like a destructive child really. Its just his toys to break are your emotions. He "broke" your honeymoon and no doubt many other memories that should have been special.

Like any child having toys removed prepare for tantrums. His best toy is being really rather cheeky and he will be thinking of best wy to gain control back.

However you sound like you see him clearly now and going from strength to strength.

What a Tosser. You'll be well rid.

Congratulations, hope it now goes as smoothly as it can.

You need to sit down and make a concrete plan to leave. You need to give yourself a deadline of some day early next week. Call your mum and tell her you need to move yourself and the girls to her house as soon as it is earthly possible. We are talking days here, not weeks.

What your H said to you in that conversation was 'No, you're not dumping me, I'm dumping you'. That satisfaction may or may not be enough for him. He doesn't want to be dumped. He doesn't want to accept anything but complete control here. That is why you need to get on your bike and move fast. Otherwise, he will quickly move to reestablish control and punish you for being uppity.

Call your mum and tell her what you need from her. Pack bags for you and the children. Get documents together. You have to leave. You will have time to read and explore what happened, and time to find a flat or house to rent when you're at your mum's. Don't wait until he starts to get nasty.

You need to talk to the school/nursery the girls attend and tell them what is going on.

If you linger there, your presence and your children's presence there will be like a red rag to a bull.

Whole heartedly agree with Math here OP.