Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

Thank goodness your friend has started to make you questions things. I think your man sees you as a right sucker. If this is what it is like after 18 months then its truly not going to get any better.

Re this comment:-
"Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS".

That in itself is a red flag; let alone the rest of what you have written here. Your man is supposed to be an adult; he sounds like an overgrown entitled cocklodger.

Do not move in together under any circumstances; he will continue to be a lazy partner to you and an awful stepdad to your child to boot. Both you and your child deserve better frankly. You also need to have your relationship radar rebooted.

This man hit paydirt when he met you as he sounds like yet another immature manchild or cocklodger. Why did you enable him by doing his CV and helping him apply for jobs?. It sounds like you're just carrying on where his mother left off. He has it well cushy; he will sulk and complain bitterly if you try and get him out of your lives.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Please spare me the "well he is a good stepdad to my child" comments because he is not; I want to know what YOU get out of this.

You already have one child, you do not need a manchild to run around after either

Your man will not change.

been there see it got the tshirt - lay down some rules before you even think of moving in with him as said above he seems to be treating you a bit like a mum doing everthing for you, also teasing your son is not on. To be honest its unlikely he will change, and he will expect more and more from you, but do give him a chance though see if he is up for the challenge but personally I would not let him move in with you, will be far harder to get rid of him if he is in your nest and it could get worse with your son too.

If it renders you speechless that a grown man can wash the dishes he has helped to dirty, you are not ready to live with a man.

Also, why would you set up home with someone who has a fraught relationship with your son that you admit is mostly his fault?

When I first started seeing my DP- also not dd's dad, she was tiny...and I therefore had very little expectations of him in the parenting department. I had completely compartmentalised my life whereby I was his girlfriend when we were together and mummy when we weren't- I rarely blended my two 'lives'. This worked well enough for a while and was the right thing to do for my dd ifyswim- but as time went on I became exhausted and I couldn't go on. The trouble was, by then, my dp had become accustomed to seeing me only as his gf, and struggled very much so to raise his game. He never overtly said that he didn't want to do the parenting thing- but I could see it. He just, well....didnt 'do' anything. I can tell you now...once I had decided that things needed to change and that our current set up no longer 'worked for me', we went through an incredibly tough time, and almost split up. This is not because dp didn't want to parent dd, but because we had started the relationship on a completely different footing, ie, as bf and gf and he struggled to make the adjustment after 3 years. I take some of the blame for that because I never told him I was struggling. I also tried to keep our lives separate - and he thought i was happy enough with the arrangement. I regret letting it go on as long as I did, because I still feel resentful about some things- even though as I said, it was down to me not communicating my needs.

You seriously need to do something about this...Attila has put it perfectly.

You're a 'can do' woman. He's a 'won't do' man.

The only reason it's lasted so long is that you've run around after him like a blue-arsed fly catering to his every need and he's not had to lift a finger.

although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. FFS! That says it all. Your ds is a 6yo child. Your dp is a 33yo immature twat.

If you're determined to graft a man into your lives you owe it to your ds to provide him with a decent role model - and this one doesn't pass muster.

I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker To any self-respecting woman it would very definitely be a dealbreaker. Love him? What's to love about a lazy arsed cocklodger who winds your ds up?

Put him to the test. Draw up a list of half of the chores and childcare that will need to be undertaken in the coming week and present it to him tomorrow together with his very own pair of rubber gloves.

Just burst out crying at all these comments...it is bad isn't it? My best friend gave me a proper talking to about it yesterday but im so used to her being so opinionated on EVERYTHING that sometimes I just dont listen to her.

I did the same thing pingu...at first I arranged things so it was just me and him, as bf and gf, but as things got more serious I introduced DS into it. I confronted him over it last summer when he invited me to one of his friend's christenings but told me that DS wasn't invited. We split up for a while afterwards because I wasn't prepared to have a relationship with a man who wasn't willing to accept my DS. But a week or so later he contacted me...telling me he'd made a huge mistake and that he wanted to be a part of BOTH of our lives. Things have improved since then...although i think a lot of the problems stem from me being so worried he's going to leave me that I let him get away with not doing things around the house. Maybe I think if I look after him then he'll love me more? Im really not as pathetic as I sound...im 29, have always worked, am in my 3rd year of a Modern Languages degree and have brought my 6 yr old DS to live with me in Madrid while I complete my degree. We're doing fabulously out here so im not a complete failure...am just weak when it comes to DP.

I help him with his CV because Im better at things like that than him, and because his computer at home is so old it doesnt even have a word processing programme on it. Plus, part of me thinks it would be really mean of me not to help him...he's supported me with my move abroad so I feel that I should support him through being out of work??? Am i being a mug?
My best friend said I am...
I feel like such a failure now and am kind of dreading his visit tomorrow. I dont know how he'll react to the list of chores suggestion...but i'll give it a try! Ive just spoken to him on the phone and told him im gonna need help this week...and he said he'll make me as many cup of teas as I need and will wash the dishes...and that if DS behaves will take him to the park for an hour or so. So that's a start!
I know this is going on a bit of a tangent...but he told me a few months back that the reason he finds it difficult with my DS is that he was abused as a child by a family friend...he said he thinks that, combined with the fact that he's never had a proper relationship, certainly not with someone who's got a child, is why he finds it difficult sometimes.

What do you think? Am i making excuses??
And please go easy on me :)....am havin an awful day, DS has got tonsilitis, we saw a really mean spanish doctor this morning, am knackered...and now my mind is working overtime about me being a complete walkover :( xx

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Think you could do with reading a copy of "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. Your relationship history from the little you write has not been great and it seems like you've swapped one poor relationship for now yet another:(. This is very sad.

How did you two meet btw?.

Being with this man sells you as a person well short and your friends likely wonder what the hell you see in him. You are certainly more than capable on many levels living in Spain with your son and doing your degree at the same time!. You have always worked. Not many people could have made such a go of it in a foreign city. Madrid is a great city too with lots going on.

Please for your sake as well as your DS's, ditch this 33 year cocklodger!. I do not write that word lightly but he is of that species and he is taking you for a complete fool. Cocklodgers tend to latch onto seemingly confident single mothers like yourself infact and subsequently wear them down. He is taking you for granted and letting you do all the donkey work because it suits him as he is fundamentally lazy. Cups of tea from him is not going to cut it; its far too little and far too late.

Re this part of your comment as well:-
and that if DS behaves will take him to the park for an hour or so.

How nice of him. Does your DS need such a role model in his life?. You sound like you're making excuses for him.

I wish your DS better soon.

"Maybe I think if I look after him then he'll love me more?"
No, infact he will respect you less. Also he does not need looking after, you're not his mother. Also he is winding your child up; that is clearly not the action of a decent or even potential long term stepfather to your child.

Work on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth; those have taken enough of a battering these last few years.

You perhaps learnt a lot of damaging relationship lessons when growing up; its now time you unlearnt them.

I met him through a mutual friend about 2 years ago.

Re my previous relationships...I was with someone from 17-21, the first year was amazing, the last year was horrific. Since then, I've been on a few dates, had two 3 month 'relationships' that I ended because I wasn't happy...and now this 18 monther!
My DS's dad was someone I used to work with, who refused to speak to me when I found out I was pregnant and has never spoken to me since.

Have already read 'Why Men Love Bitches', and 'Men are From Mars...' and I agree that my self esteem needs some work. I dont understand why Im so frightened he's going to leave me because I coped being a single parent, at university, in my own home, for 4 and a half years before I met him. Im not ugly, am really confident in every other area but for some reason, when it comes to men and relationships im not. He's arriving tomorrow tea time and im going to see how it goes. I dont want to have a big heavy conversation with him when he gets here tho because if we argue, we're pretty much are stuck together for a week until he flies home. Can men change?? If we talk and I explain how I need some more help, could it make a difference? xx

he's supported me with my move abroad

In what way has he supported you with your move abroad? Did he put his back out pack your belongings, drive them/you to Madrid/the airport, or did he allow you to go live in Spain by promising to 'wait' for you?

You're not a failure but if he hasn't got to grips with his issues and can't fend for himself domestically at 33yo, he is.

if DS behaves will take him to the park for an hour or so Behaves before he takes him to the park or while they're at the park? Either way he's placing an unrealistic expectation on a 6yo as the onus is on the adult to engage with the child and influence the child's behaviour in a positive manner.

although i think a lot of the problems stem from me being so worried he's going to leave me that I let him get away with not doing things around the house You need to examine why you are so emotionally needy that you are willing to put up with a less than equal relationship with a less than equal capable man.

Take heart, honey. If this one leaves you there's plenty more out there and once you've tweaked your twat radar you won't become embroiled with another self-absorbed bellend.

Am i being a mug? You know the answer to that question and you need to ask yourself why you're being a mug for this man - has he got a gi-normous dick?

You are worth far more than a freeloading man. Place a high value on yourself and refuse to settle for second best otherwise you'll never know the joy that comes from a truly fulfilling intimate relationship.

Did the mean doctor put your ds on antibiotics? If so, he should start to feel a lot better over the next couple of days and you'll feel a lot better if you use the coming week to dispassionately evaulate the chances of your current pita man coming up to scratch.

If we talk and I explain how I need some more help, could it make a difference?

If a man can't see what needs to be done and doesn't quietly get on with doing it, explaining that you need more help could make a difference.

The difference being that he's likely to act as if he's doing you the most enormous favour by undertaking any household chore and expecting copious praise for his efforts.

Haha! No...he has NOT got a ginormous dick unfortunately :( haha!

He supported me coming here a lot actually! he came with me to flat hunt, and to help me register DS for spanish school. And emotionally, he does help me...he really does. Before I came here I was petrified I was making the wrong decision and was worried about moving DS to a different school in a different country...he sat me down and told me that I was doing the best thing for me and DS and that he'd support me in any way he could. He is always on the other end of the phone if i need a cry/vent/moan...and more often than not comes up with good resolutions to any problems I've got.

He cant support me financially because he was made redundant over a year ago..and to be honest, I dont need his money. I get paid enough over here, which combined with my student loan means I've got more than enough for me and my DS to live comfortably on. I think he feels embarrassed that he cant support me more financially, but each time he visits he gives me money towards shopping etc so he's not totally freeloading off me. And every time he comes he always brings me and DS a little present from the UK...nothing massive, just DS's favourite sweets and football stickers and magazines for me. He's told me he feels embarrassed that he cant do more for us money wise...and I think maybe my initial post paints him in the worst possible way.

We've spoke at length about his relationship with DS, his main excuse is that he's never been around children before so this is all new to him. Is that a valid excuse? Should I be expecting so much from him with regards to childcare when he's not actually DS's dad? xx

And yes, DS is on antibiotics...I feel so sorry for him, I hate being sick at the best of times but the sun is blaring outside. We're havin a dvd day on the sofa...with the air conditionin on full blast cos it's so hot!! xx

his main excuse is that he's never been around children before so this is all new to him

In which case you shouldn't allow him to use your ds to practise on.

If he cares enough he'll put the time in by reading childcare books or going on a parenting course.

When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children

Far from your initial post having painted him in the worst possible way you've told it how it is and how it is for you would not be acceptable to me, or to any woman who expects an equal division of labour to be a given when it comes to household chores.

From your most recent post it sounds as if you and your dp both have very traditional ideas of men's and women's roles. It seems odd to me that he feels any financial responsibility for supporting you - I can't see any reason why he should (contributing to food costs when he stays with you doesn't count). And it's equally odd that he doesn't feel he should be contributing to managing the house when he stays with you for a week.

I do have some sympathy for him in not taking on much of a parenting role. If he hasn't spent much time around children he could easily struggle to understand how to engage with your ds and feel nervous about spending time alone with him. The question is whether he wants to learn or not. If you're going to live together he needs to be able to do it, would he be open to taking a parenting class maybe?

WTAF are you doing? Estas loca?

This guy is a total waste of space, and as for the 'support' with your move, that was NOTHING! You could have done that ALL by yourself. he just had a free holiday....

He doesn't like your son.

That is enough.

Added to this, your son doesn't like HIM - kids go off instinct. Trust his, trust yours. he senses that it's not right, and so do you.

Your son is the most important person in the world, and will be with you long after this clown shuffles off.

You can do MUCH better than this, don't settle for such an inferior man. You need a companion, a partner someone who loves you AND your son.

You're trying to figure out how to ask for more 'help' when you should be expecting true partnership and willing contribution, and wondering if your DP owes you and your DS more adult responsibility and behaviour since the DS is not even his?

Please don't be afraid of him leaving you. What you need to consider is doing him the favour of leaving him. He will never grow up while you are there to play mummy and coach and mentor and housemaid for him and he will therefore never be happy. Please, please figure out why you expect so little of a partner before you and the DS get involved in another relationship.

Saying 'another relationship' because this one will come to a screeching halt one way or another, and better sooner than later because the DS is part of your life and deserves better.

Short story: He has set out his stall, and that is that. He's shown you who he is.

IF you expect him to be anything other than what he is now, you will be making a mistake. YOU will.

Don't expect him to be something he is not. he is NOT a partner, he is a BF and a part time/LDR kinda guy. He has a relationship by remote control. A partner evokes EQUALITY, but he is not doing a thing for you. It's ALL about him.

He's NEVER stepped up and REALLY helped you. If you have asked him to give you a hand in real terms, he has failed to. You said he was sooooo put out by this. WHY? Ask yourself. He DOESN'T WANT TO. It's not important to him to give you the real tangible help you need.

He is SO underinvested in your family it's actually tragic. He's not bothered enough about your family to move heaven and earth and get himself sorted, or pitch in and help you with your DS, when exactly do you think he will get around to doing this?

He's far too comfortable already watching YOU cook, clean and wait on him, you that has a family to support, your own, you and your DS. He sees you once a month for a week and even then can't give you a proper break/hand. He pays you a few quid for food and that is OK? No, that is FAR from OK.

IF he really thought of anyone other than himself, he'd be telling YOU to put your feet up and HE gets dinner, does dishes etc.

LOOK at your friends relationship. THAT'S normal, and they don't even have kids! This bloke isn't even working and he can't be bothered to help you! What ELSE has he got to do if not help?

This will only get worse.

I agree with PPs.

He's telling you what he is and what he is like - you just don't want to hear it.

You do seem to be making excuses for him, a lot of them.
You do seems to be labouring under the misapprehension both that he will, in any significant way change if you just love him enough and that you actually have some kind of great man and therefore it's worth it.

His relationahip with DS would be a deal breaker for me.

His inactivity would be a dealbreaker for me.

His total lack of investment in your family would be a dealbreaker for me.

His lack of respect and care for me and my son would be a dealbreaker for me.

He hasn't actually done a great deal of anything for you. Emotional support is a given in a relationship so the fact you are handing out a mark for good behaviour for him doing something normal says quite a lot.

It sounds like your relationship radar is on the piss. You and your DS deserve better. You are an intelligent, competent and look at all the qualities you wrote about yourself!
Men in general can change small things if they want to just like women can but I think unfortunately you are about to find out the effort of changing from being a cocklodger is actually not worth it to him. He seems to have made it pretty clear by his actions DS is unwelcome baggage and is doing what he has to to get the free ride from you. I genuinely believe he'll be stunned that his perfunctory efforts will fall short because in his mind he's already doing enough, and maybe more, than he feels he should have to.
The rallying cry from women everywhere that are married to jerks is 'but I can change him, nobody else loved/understood/knew him as much/well/deeply as I do - he'll change for me '.
But they don't, do they?

Hmm apparently my typing is on the piss too. Quite possibly due to tipping a coffee over the keyboard.

Also wanted to say hope your DS feel better soon poor chap

Sorry...just bathing DS and dosing him up on antibiotics and calpol! Will respond properly asap xxx

his computer rodent have a word processor

Bollocks.

WWW.OpenOffice.org.

Free, compatible with ms word. Just fine for cv's.

Lazy arse (him not you)

Rodent?

Dosen't

Dyac

Is it because you think that having a child makes you SUCH a low-value option for a bloke that you have to put up with any old nonsense? Your son is a lovely little boy who (I presume) you think is the most wonderful thing in the world, he is not a fatal flaw or an STD or a tendency towards loud snoring. Guess what? The right partner will never be your DS's biological dad, but he would also love and appreciate him.

Imagine your poor son growing up in a household where his father figure thinks he's a PITA and that if the FF deigns to give him a lift to school/listen to him read/puts him to bed it's with sighs and complaints and resentment, and probably in expectation of some kind of reward (sex, housework, submission and adoration) from his mother.

If I entered into a relationship with a man who had a child already, and found that I couldn't get on with the child at all and didn't want him around, I would leave the relationship! Because children deserve love and respect from adults who are close to them.

As for housework, my exP used to practically flinch if I even did two loads of washing in a row (we were living together) because he was so adamant that I shouldn't end up "looking after" him in a parent-type way. Extreme maybe but more normal than laying back and letting the nearest woman baby you. It's pathetic.

You CAN do soooo much better :)