Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

I'm with Nettle - he'll be on the plane later today.

If you haven't spoken to him before he arrives, my guess is he'll make like he's there under sufferance; as in he's done you an immense favour by turning up even though you've been so thoroughly unreasonable.

And I agree with Nic - this man shouldn't be anywhere near your little ds or any other dc, for that matter.

Regular updates please, OP!

I was wondering that about the flights too :(

Sorry about your neck NicNoc :o

'she said he's always just been 'one of the lads'...not that interested in girls and relationships and she was quite surprised when we got together. She said that in the 10 years she's known him he's never had a gf...and when i've met his friends at social events they've all commented on it too. Said im the first girl he's brought to weddings etc so I must be something special. I get on really really well with all of his friends tbh, they're a nice group...all his male friends are married with kids, he's the only one not to be. We've never really had a big 'exes' talk together...he's mentioned this one girl but I think i kinda dragged the information out of him one night when we were drunk...he never asks about mine either. Whenever i bring up his ex he tells me its in the past, he's got absolutely no interest in her whatsoever but that he classes her as an old friend, hence having her on fb. She's married, lives away and has just had a baby. He promised me if she ever ever wrote anything flirty or suggestive he would delete her immediately cos he doesnt want me to be hurt...but to me, the comments she's made already have hurt me and he doesnt seem to understand.'

So you must be something special, eh?

Please, please, please try to understand that you are not that special to him. If you were he would not be playing power games with you about leaving, he would be pulling his weight around the house, he would have a job he would be nice to your DS...

Please dump him and get into some sort of therapy to sort out your self esteem issues.

You are not special enough to cure his abuse issues either so please do not take on that job either.

Am I getting this right; the last girlfriend he had was 18 years ago at school ????

That in itself is a major alarm bell. There is a reason he hasn't had one OP, a reason he has never taken a girl to a wedding etc ...The reason is no one would put up with his shite.

He's a bad choice OP. For all the reasons already mentioned. You are too good for him, and no he won't change. This is it. This is what he'd is like.

As for ' all I ask you to do is get me a job' !!! Tell him to fuck off with himself and do it himself. Pathetic carry on. Tell him top jog on with himself.

I agree, he hasn't had one because no one would put up with him.
You have now had the wake up call and are better off without him. He won't change.

Hi everyone! Just woke up after the worst sleep ever!!!! Luckily DS is a bit better today! Well..update...so far i've heard nothing...so am still unsure as to what the plan is today.

Flightwise...the first few months he paid for himself...the original plan was that he'd come here one month, i'd go home the next, but it took a while for DS to settle into school etc so I decided not to take him home all the time so as not to unsettle him further...so the first time we went home was at christmas. Since christmas me and DP have gone 50/50 on flights...they're only cheap easyjet flights and like I said when he arrives he normally gives me money. He came last week for the weekend and gave me 85 euros...and told me yesterday, when we were speaking, that he had 210 euros for me for this week.
Im still mega confused....its so hard listening to everyone to be honest but it's things that my closest friends have said to me for a long long time. Things I've chosen to ignore. I think i've put a lot of it down to him being out of work, and depressed and keep thinking 'when he gets a job...things'll all be better'. I know a lot of you wouldnt have waited this long, but like i said previously, part of me feels mean and almost shallow...as though im walking away from him just because he's got no job or no money. My dad went through a similar situation when i was younger...he had a heart attack and was out of work or in really low paid jobs for around 4 years and it was a real struggle. I told my best friend this and told her how I cant just finish things because you're meant to stay with ur partner 'through better or worse' and that maybe this was just a 'worse' patch. She laughed in my face!!!!!
I'll keep u updated through the morning...:( xxx

OP, you've only been with this guy 18 months. At this stage everything should still be great, you should be excited about seeing him and you should still be in the honeymoon stage. You speak as though you've been married to him for 20 years - you haven't - and this isn't a "patch" this who he is. Staying with someone in the hope that they'll suddenly change is very very foolish.

It it is a good friend, that you have known for years, listen to her-she is seeing it from the outside view.
It took me a few hard lessons to discover that you can't take on 'lame ducks'-you have to think of yourself and your DS. I doubt it is 'a patch'-however down he is about not having a job etc he could still do the washing up!
You have not married him and so there is no promise of 'through better or worse'.

You are not gaining a partner, you are taking on an extra child. You deserve better-and so does your DC.

I know. I do actually know all of this. And i know if it was one of my friends i'd be telling them the EXACT same thing as you are all telling me. It's so hard when it's you in the situation tho isnt it?

Update...he was supposedly being dropped off in the city centre at 8.30 this morning by his sister...to make his way to the airport...and said he'd call en route...still heard nothing so actually think he may not be coming. xx

How do you feel about the prospect of him not coming?

Your best friend is your best friend for a reason - she has your best interests at heart. If you're not willing to listen to us, listen to her.

As for staying with this twat 'through better or worse'; it's never been wonderful, it ain't gonna get any better, and you couldn't have picked a worse 'd'p for yourself or, and this is the clincher, a worse potential stepfather for your little ds.

Your relationship with this pathetic excuse for a man is a triumph of hope over experience. Learn from the experience and in future put your hopes and dreams in a man who has the ability to make them come true.

Go get yourself a cafe cortado, honey, and smell it before you drink it.

He won't let you off that lightly. He'll be on the plane - see my post at 00.54 above.

CailinDana I feel sick to be honest. Have hardly slept all night and when i did I had crazy dreams...my stomach's in knots.i fel like a stupid teenager waiting by the phone for a boy to call.

izzyizin i cant drag DS to the coffee shop so am making do with a good old fashioned PG Tips!! xx

All this head space and real life time spent on him, ccaatthhyy2, when you have a son and your studies to concentrate on. This is YOUR time, please stop him stealing it from you

You can end it for whatever reason you like and because you are unhappy is good enough reason.

Saw it izzyizin...i can imagine that too tbh. Yesterday he said he cant stand the thought of being anywhere near me because I'm such a crank...so IF he does turn up I can imagine him sulking and calling me manipulative (which he does a LOT).

Still no phone call tho xxx

It was an analogy, honey. Have a sniff, or a snifter, of whatever it takes to wake up to the reality that this man is no good for you and, far more importantly, no good for your ds.

He's a liabilty and only you can insure yourself against disasters like him.

18 months? Jeez, you are a glutton for punishment.

Of course he's on the plane: you're his meal ticket. And all he has to do is act mean and undermine you, and then you cry and scurry around giving him even more of your time and effort and attention to pacify him. The guy's golden. He's not letting you go.

You really are going to have to grow those cojones and dump him, because he is a damaging person for both you and your DS to have in your lives.

I will be very blunt.

He will destroy you and by turn your child in the end if you remain with him in any way, shape or form. Infact he is already dragging you and your child down with him into his manchild shaped pit. You mean nothing to him and never have; he sees you as a meal ticket and someone to have sex with. He has played you like a violin; he is a master of manipulation. You will damage your DS if this manchild gets his feet under the table and becomes a fixture within your home.

He needs to be gone from your life as of now.

You're a crank? He's a freak. Hardly a match made in heaven, is it?

Since you haven't been 'joined together' there's no bar to you being 'put asunder'.

If he calls you en route, tell him not to bother. And if he turns up without having called, direct him to the hostal round the corner.

You don't need to let him into your home when he turns up, you know.

What izzy wrote.

He'll be on that plane; manipulative superficially charming men do not let go of their victims (I use the plural in that case deliberately) easily. You have certainly seen his true colours now.

Your relationship radar needs rewiring. You certainly need to work on your own self esteem and worth with a counsellor to unlearn the damaging relationship patterns you have learnt. Otherwise you could well be making the same poor relationship judgments over and over again.

I think you are a remarkable young woman and will make your future MIL very happy!

Please ditch this guy right now. Any advantages that there once were to this relationship are massively outweighed by the negatives.

You and DS should be having the time of your lives and do not need dragged down by this man.

He doesn't make you happy and he is standing in the way of your future happiness.

meant to say - in your OP you ask if you are expecting too much.
On the contrary you are expecting too little!

Please make this the first day of your new life.
Good luck.

His history of abuse is a major major warning.

Sadly, many people who abuse children are victims of abuse themselves. The ones who don't are the ones who gladly put themselves through years of therapy and work really, really hard to make sure they don't pass on their experiences to the children in their lives.

Your P has already shown that he is capable of (albeit minor) cruelty to your DS. That his tolerance of him is dependent on your son behaving in a certain way and 'being good'. He has already told you that he cannot be relied upon to behave in a good way to your DS if your DS does not please him.

I had an ex who used the excuse of being a victim of child abuse to explain his abusive behaviour towards me. When we split up he admitted that he knew it was an excuse and was well aware that he was using it as such.

You are a strong, capable and determined woman who is obviously making a great life for herself and her DS. Don't let this idiot drag you down.

You know there is a voice telling you that you will finish with your P this week. Listen to it, please.

I agree with emdelafield. (he will be on the plane-he knows a good thing when he sees one!-it is up to you to end it).