Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

If she doesn't come back today he will have manipulated her around.

You apply for jobs for him? Really?

Speechless....

Sad to say but, once again, I can't share your optimism NicNoc.

The only 'resolve' the OP has indicated is that she intends to set some ground rules straight away. I will tell him that i've been unhappy for a while and that things have got to change thus settling the scene for him to talk her round by repeating his promise that he would never ever walk out on her again.

It seems to me that OP's so far into her own fantasy of him being essential to her life that he doesn't need to bother to build anything around her. It's all coming from her and, as she's shown him how desperate emotionally needy she is, all he has to do is sit back on his lazy arse and jerk her chain now and again to keep her eager to please.

Given that the OP is convinced that she must be something special because she's the first woman he's taken to a wedding, he doesn't even have to bestir himself to show her that he thinks she's special.

I suspect that the OP''s used the fact that she gets on really really well with all of his friends to blind herself to the truth that, unless she's prostrating herself at the altar she's created to worship him, she doesn't actually get on 'really really' or even 'moderately' well with him.

Jeez, she's so far gone in her fantasy of him being the one and only man in the world for her that she's jealous of his former one and only girlfriend of umpteen years ago. WTF is that about? The woman had the good sense to dump the twat and marry someone else - is that why the OP's jealous of her?

I hope the OP comes back and tells us what she has in common with this knobber, but I suspect that she's currently preoccupied with continuing to overlook his plentiful deficiencies in an attempt to further convince herself that he's the answer to her prayers.

As for the OP's ds, I fully expect that this emotionally and verbally abusive twat will persuade her that her 6yo son is far too sensitive for his own good and needs toughening up - after all, boys need a firm hand and she's too soft on him.

The OP will doubtless agree with this assement because the alternative would be to rid herself of the useless gobshite that, without benefit of a priest or other ceremony, she's committed herself to until death do them part.

Why is it that only the good die young?

I think she has a fantasy of her being essential to his life, Izzy. She needs to be needed and can't understand why he won't appreciate her for her attempts to produce a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

ccaatthhyy2 My love, it looks like he turned up anyway and you felt pressured/embarrassed into NOT confronting him.

This is how people like him operate. He'll be on charm offensive, but I'm willing to bet that he DIDN'T roll up his sleeves and do the washing up, or give you a break did he.

I hope this week passes quickly and without too much event. Please come back to us and talk it through? You may not have had the resolve to take that HUGE leap of ending it right there and then, but we can hold your hand through the future.

Think of your son. HE'S not happy with this man. That is ALL that you need to think of, that in itself is excuse enough.

We are all worried about you, and hope that you are OK. We'll wait until you are ready to come back and chat again. we hope that is soon.

I hope he's been so helpful that you've got all your work done, and more, and are happy and refreshed having had a couple of afternoons free for straight relaxation.

I am curious that if he isn't even applying for jobs himself, what he does all day when he's not with you.

Jux you know, thats what I wondered. I mean, what with doing a degree, moving to a strange city and having a child to look after, its not as if the OP hasnt got enough to do already, and isnt that what job seakers is supposed to pay you for - your job is to find work??

I suspect that she hasnt the heart to finish it in person, but hopefully he wont be able to keep it up for a week, or she will have picked up enough pointers to look for the typical traits he will exhibit, and just watch from a slight distance without being too drawn in.

Please OP, please read up on abuse. Read 'why does he do that?' ad have a good look at what makes you settle for so little, to believe that this is all you deserve. what your ds's son abusive - does this one seem better in comparison? better does not necessarily mean good enough.

OP, I'm sure you're still reading this - no matter how your situation is developing - do come back. Everyone on here knows that life is never simple, making big changes is never easy - and there are always sympathetic (and experienced) ears here no matter what you hope to do.

oh.

HappyHissy has written what I want to say.

I still can't bear to think of her poor little boy though. He deserves so much better but at the very least has a right to be safe from harm. co-dependant mother enables harm of child, hold the front page. But still...

NicNocJnr - I agree with you, we all know that a child in this environment IS being seriously harmed...

BUT, these are things that can (with counselling, love and lots of time) be undone.

The important thing is for ccaatthhyy2 to make the decision herself, to see what is going on around her, to choose to end this and to understand really and fully, why... or else she can get sucked back in, and getting out the next time is harder.

I'm sure enough seeds have been sown, she will see what he is really like this week and she will not fall for the BS.

I have faith.

Hi...you´re right. He did turn up...which is why I havent been online all week. Plus i´ve been too scared to read what you´ve all got to say. :(
I dont know where to begin with this week...he arrived as planned and acted as though nothing had happened. That evening we took DS out for dinner, then when he was in bed me and DP had a few beers and he and helped me with my essay. After a few drinks tho I just broke down, explained that I was unhappy etc etc. He got angry that i´d ruined a good night and that I was raking over old ground...
we spoke at length...but im not stupid enough to think he meant half of what he said to me.

We had a nice couple of days following that then on thursday he got bitten in the night by something, a mosquito i think, so he was in a foul mood all weekend.
I´ve been so so busy this week, my kids have had exams in school and i´ve got a 5000 word essay due in on thursday...on friday i came home from school and the place was a tip! There were dishes in the sink, towels everywhere, plates and cups scattered round. Half of them were mine and DS´s but I was left thinking ´what the fuck?!´ I´d been in work all day, i was tired, he´d stayed at home all morning why couldnt he help me?

I´d brought a baguette home with me so we could have tuna sandwiches before we took DS to karate...I handed it to DP to make his lunch while i made DS´s and he just looked at me blankly...how can a 33 year old not even know how to make a sandwich? I didnt do it for him tho...I made mine and DS´s which i think pissed DP off big time.

Friday night we went to karate and i took DP to the medical centre for antibiotics for his bite, its a bite for God´s sake...but i swear you´d think his arm was about to drop off.

On sunday our plan was to go into Madrid and spend the day exploring, as I was getting ready in the morning DS came into the bedroom crying because he´d bumped his head while he was jumping round on the couch. I comforted him and gave him a cuddle and then asked him to brush his teeth and wash his hands and face so we could get ready to go out...he went into the bathroom and DP came into the bedroom, said that he couldn´t be arsed spending the day with us and putting up with DS´s whining. I nearly exploded and think i would have were it not for DS being in the house. I got ready and took DS to the funfair for the whole day...I was a nervous wreck, im not gonna lie, and was dreading comin home. When i did, i thought DP would have calmed down but he hadnt. I put DS to bed and then asked DP what was wrong...he said he was sick of ME treating HIM like a mug, and that I made HIM feel like shit all the time...that he loves me and DS but feels like I cause trouble all the time where there´s none. (this is something he says quite often to me).

He said he felt trapped because he was stuck in all day, with no money and unable to speak spanish...but then said the reason he was so angry and moody was because he felt sick from the antibiotics and that he hadn´t slept etc etc.

Yesterday he met me from school and we went for lunch, then last night he took DS to the park to play while I tidied round and sorted my uni work out...and then I spent the night working on my essay.

He goes home today...
So that´s my week in a nutshell. Have read all of ur comments today and feel sick to the stomach...some of the comments about me being unrealistic and living in a fantasy world really hurt me. Im not an idiot, i dont think im the only girl in the world for him and im soooooo special to be invited to a wedding. Nor do i want to feel needed all the time. I posted on here for advice and i get the feeling that some of you have attacked me...which is why i´ve been so scared about logging back on and talking through my week.....

Well done you for coming back. So how are you going to leave this situation now?

I am sorry if you feel attacked but you seem to me to be a strong, capable, intelligent woman who simply doesn't need himin your life.

If you read through the account of your week it must tell you what you should do - without any further advice.

I honestly dont know. He leaves today...im taking him to the airport later...my essay is due in on thursday so i dont wanna tackle anything until that´s handed in. This week has been hard...sometimes, when it´s just me and him, things are amazing, but i feel sometimes that he wants me but not DS and it hurts me so so much. Also i think he knows how worried i am that he´s going to leave me...so thinks he can act however he wants because i would never have the balls to leave him. Sometimes i love him so much tho and the thought of not being with him breaks my heart...but then other times i want to walk away from him and never ever speak to him again. I dont know.

If i take a while to reply today by the way its because im in school and am using the computer between lessons .. xx

I've just read through and haven't replied before on this thread. I'm sure no one has intended for you to feel attacked when you posted looking for advice. I'm sorry but it's clear to me that your relationship with this bloke sounds fraught to say the least. I cannot read through and see a happy ending for you and your ds, your dp sounds selfish and entitled, it's all about him, him, him. You have a great sounding life, you are independent and strong. Would he make you and your ds happier when you are together all of the time and not just having week long visits?. I'm sorry that you're so upset but think long term. Good luck.

You still think when its you and him alone its 'amazing' after this week? Really? The man is a major league dickhead, how on earth can you not see that he is behaving terribly? My god, every single week I have with my husband is better than your one special week together, and I've been with him since god was in nappies! You deserve better, and your poor child who has no choice, certainly deserves more than this excuse for a man.

If you read back through your account you will notice that he is clearly in the wrong and yet makes it your fault!
Even if you don't take account of the fact that you are not responsible for how he feels. I would have thought that the fact he wouldn't put up with DS whining was a wake up call. DCs whine- even the best of them- if you are with a DC you get them 'warts and all' and not just the best bits.

If DP was my DS - I would want to shake him- his behaviour was appalling!

Sorry - just read he wants you and not DS. I was a single mother with a 6 yr old DS when I met DH and it was 'love me love my DS'. I wasn't having my DS living in a house where he was merely tolerated. I was the adult. - I can live with heart break but DS wasn't - he came first.

"This week has been hard...sometimes, when it´s just me and him, things are amazing, but i feel sometimes that he wants me but not DS and it hurts me so so much. Also i think he knows how worried i am that he´s going to leave me...so thinks he can act however he wants because i would never have the balls to leave him. Sometimes i love him so much tho and the thought of not being with him breaks my heart...but then other times i want to walk away from him and never ever speak to him again. I dont know"

You need to see this now cathy for what this truly is. Its not amazing at all. You are in another abusive relationship. His actions are textbook and sadly you are allowing yourself to be used. He plays your deeply rooted fears and insecurities like a violin; he knows you will never act to leave him so he can act as crappy as he likes to the two of you and you do nothing.

You have not been attacked by MN either. You are emotionally in the fog instead primarily because of the way he treats you.

Your week has certainly been hard - for your child as well actually who is being made to feel like a second class citizen by some bloke who is a poor excuse for a man let alone a potential long term stepfather.

I can too clearly see what he gets out of it; another sap to run around after him like his mother did with his now added bonus of sex on you.

He wants you yes (I can see why because as you're so blind to his abuse you are an abuser's dream ticket) but not your DS. That has been made perfectly clear to you on many occasions now. He wants you also so he can break you down completely and to date he is doing a bang up job on confusing the hell out of you.

Put your son first. He will thank you for doing so. You are studying hard in a foreign country which is in itself a real achievement. Speaking Spanish fluently is a real achievement and you have done well in your studies. You do not need this manchild adolescent around your neck dragging you down and pulling you into his pit.

I'd be telling him to make his own way to the airport on his own and never to blight your lives again but you won't do that either:(.

This is terrible, OP. Please please get him out of your life. He is being emotionally and verbally abusive. Have a look at the top of the Emotional Abuse thread. I spent several decades with someone like this, it was miserable but I kept thinking when he gets a job, when I get a job, when the kids are older, when we're in a bigger house... In the end things improved...when I got a divorce.

I'm back on my laptop now so able to spout nonsense post more.

I know you feel attacked, no-one knows how it feels until you post your own thread and people are replying directly to YOU and YOUR situation. It is really powerful.

ADD to this that you are only now beginning to understand that this dynamic is unhealthy, the comments which although blunt, do have some grain of truth him them. for THIS reason they cut more deeply, because they are talking to the suspicions and the fears you have not faced yet.

Whilst others have vented some frustration at your predicament, it's actually only out of anger at what this man is doing to you and seemingly allowed to get away with that has produced the uglier edge to some of the posts. Perhaps the words too were chosen to goad you into action. Some people work like that.

Take a step back Cathy. What would you tell your best friend if she was with a bloke who didn't want her son to be around?

I know that this next step for you takes an almighty LEAP of faith and confidence, but it's a leap you HAVE to take.

Trust us, the minute you dump this nasty man, who incidentally is not good enough for YOU, not the other way around (far from it) you WILL feel relief.

Don't let the essay get in the way of your freedom, if anything ending this realtionship now will be good, as you will have the essay to focus on and keep yourself from dwelling on this prick. Plus you have us, always US to fall back on to keep you on the straight and narrow. Please trust us?

the stance you take is this: The partner I would have in my life is someone to share my life, day to day, the ups and the downs, the fun AND the work as I am prepared to do the same for my partner. I am NOT put on this earth to run around making food, clearing up or organising a grown man's life while he sits there and expects me to do it all.

I have a son, he is the world to me and everything I do, somehow, is about him. My son is non-negotiable. If you are so selfish that you can't bear to share the woman you are supposed to love with her own son, then you need to look for single women with no kids, or stay on your own.

I have given and given and nothing comes back except more demands, and barely disguised contempt and mostly indifference to the child in my life. That's not good enough. YOU are not good enough.

Therefore sonnyjim, i think it's better we have no further contact. I will get on with my life and I wish you the best of luck in yours.

PLEASE have the courage to do the ONLY thing that is right in all this, to END it with this DREADFUL excuse for a man.

Arriba!

Happyhissy...thank you. That´s really helped...i know ur right...and i know (or am hoping) that some of the harsher comments are for my own good and to spur me into action. If it was my friend i´d be telling them exactly the same thing, i know i would. But like you said, it´s so so difficult when its you in the situation and some of the things mentioned on here are new to me. I never thought of myself as being in an abusive relationship...when i think of that i think about wives getting beaten up or physically hurt...nothing like that is happening to either me or my son. Emotionally tho, I can see where you are coming from.

Got another class now but will log back on when it´s finished.

Good on,you for coming back.

If you were with him long term you would get more and more of the spoilt brat behaviours. Your ds would be sidelined. He's only going to be nice to you at the beginning, when he's been there for a week the behaviour you see near the end of it is what you will get ALL THE TIME.