Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

Cathy, I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of relationship but I just wanted to say that you and your boy sound amazing. To have the confidence to take your Ds and spend a year abroad - wow!! I wish I had that drive and energy!

I don't understand why you are with this guy as you seem like a much better person than him.

I hope you can start to see yourself in a better light and get the strength to realise you can do life without him. (Actually I think you'd find life easier without him)

Honey, I just don't understand this.

Can you give me just one reason why you want to be with someone who doesnt like your child?

I would be sad for you choosing to waste your time on this excuse of a man,but thats your choice. Your poor son has no choice, and I feel so sorry for him, he sounds lovely (as do you). How on earth can you put up with someone who moans at you for not doing his job application (WTF?) for being hot, for being thirsty, for being tired, for being hungry, I mean how are you not just laughing in his face by this stage?

Anyway, think of your son, this man does not like him, what is that going to do to his self esteem?
Or is your need to have a boyfriend (any boyfriend it would appear) more important.

I'm sorry if you think this is harsh, but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee, and think of what you are doing to your child.

Cathy, I've just read your whole thread. Have you noticed that not a single person has suggested trying to make things work with this guy? That's quite telling.

I have been where you are, sort of, I had a relationship quite like this at your age (although I did not have DC). I do remember that sort of 'addicted' feeling, it made me crazy, one night I actually broke into his house because I thought he'd brought someone else home

BUT luckily I got out eventually, in large part because I had counselling. Life has been pretty great since then, I moved abroad and met my wonderful DH, etc and so on.

I say all this because I think it might help you to start imagining and visualising what your future could be like without this guy. Don't focus on losing him or what will happen to him, think of all the positive things that you and your DS will do and have. Every time you get that panicky addicted feeling, think of one of those positive things to neutralise it. We can re-wire our brains.

You can have an amazing life, working and travelling around Europe with your DS, spending time with friends, enjoying life to the fullest, eventually meeting some hot Spanish lovely man who will be an amazing father figure to your son.

But you will lose all that if you tie yourself to this man. He is like dynamite lying beneath the foundations of the amazing life you are building for you and your son.

Find the strength to let him go. It may be the hardest thing you ever do but it will make your life soooo much easier from now on.

It will be hard-I know I did similar-but you will look back in a few years and view it as a very lucky escape.

How are things now OP?