Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

Am back!! Right, have actually just got off the phone to him and am in tears. This is regarding something totally different so please bear with me. His ex (from 18 years ago - his one and only relationship prior to me), is his friend on Facebook. I know it shouldn't bother me and there are one or two 'exes' of mine on my FB page...but for some reason this girl really riles me up. He's got an album of pictures from when he was last here...all but one are including me or DS, and she's 'liked' the one picture we're not on, the one pic that's just him. A few weeks ago, over the course of about 4 days, she commented on 3 of his statuses using a nickname from when they were younger. She is now married with a baby...but it still gets to me. I confronted him about it, especially the use of a pet name when its clear he's got a girlfriend...me. And he flipped, said that in confronting him about it im not trusting him...and that he's not prepared to a) be dictated to as to who he can and cant be friends with and b) is not gonna waste his time with someone who doesnt trust him. I do trust him...but I know how bitchy girls can be sometimes and i know for a fact that i would never write a message to my ex using one of our old pet names for each other...especially in full view of his current girlfriend. In my eyes its a matter of respect. Anyway...its somethin we've argued about a few times because every now and again she pops up...which she did tonight. A stupid, fly away comment, but I noticed it while I was on the phone to him, got really wound up so told him i had to go and that i'd call him back. I've got so much on my mind at the minute and i didnt want to fly off the handle. He immediately rang back to ask what was wrong and when i told him he flipped. Said that im controlling, a crank, and he's not prepared to be treated like shit all the time. He said im dictating who he can have correspondence with and that he feels strangled by me. I told him that im not dictating anything and that for some reason seeing that girls name just makes my blood boil...he then started bringing things up from months ago, issues we've had that i thought we'd resolved. So i said to him, 'well u do things that piss me off too ya know' and he asked what. I told him that it frustrated me that he couldnt do anything himself and he went berserk. His actual words were, 'you think im lazy? I dont care. All I ask u to do is apply for jobs for me but dont bother anymore. You get me so wound up that right now I cant even bear the thought of being next to you. You are a crank and im sick to death of it. I cant live my life like this.'
I dont know what to do or say. I dont try and dictate to him...the most i'll do, and i swear this is the truth, is if he's spent the week complaining about being skint, complaining about how there's no jobs out there...after i've spent time applying for jobs for him...but he then goes out with his friends...then I do get in a mood. Not because I dont want him to see his friends or have a life...but because it frustrates me that he moans about having no money...but then will spend what little money he has on drinking with his friends.

So now im sitting in bed, in limbo, DS is snoring beside me thank god, i've got loads of things to do, but just feel torn. He's supposed to be coming tomorrow for a week.
HELP! xx

I've got a really bad feeling about this guy over and above his sexism, laziness and 'if ds is good he might take him to the park for an hour' shite. Something's wrong here, I'd give him the heave ho.

What a knobber!

Apart from that unhelpful comment.
I think you would be prident to view this as an almighty red flag! It is a disproportionate reaction and dragging up all his past grievences and making it all your fault. Expect a phonecall if you don't go running after him - I guarantee it, he's pitching at you to see what you'll do.

He's waving those flags just as hard as his little arms can. See them.

You are a fantastic mum, you have a wonderful little boy and I'm very about your achievements - imagine the sort of life you could have with a good man. Not that you need one but if you want one you could do so, so much better than this.

Help? You have a golden opportunity to say: "You're right, DP, it's not working is it? Time to part ways."

Dear god, don't spend time and energy agonizing about whether he thinks you're controlling and how to change his mind about it. He's a lazy tosser who resents your child: dump.

D'oh. Prudent...and all of the other spelling errors, just imagine I've corrected them [rolleseyes]

Tell him not to come, seriously. And let that be the end of it.

He has serious issues. He has told you he was abused as a child, which is clearly something he hasn't dealt with. He also isn't interested in being a parent to your son, or in being a proper partner to you. He has told you that, very clearly. If you move in with him you are accepting that you are taking on a person who has serious unresolved issues, and who doesn't get along with your son. That is not a good choice to make.

"you think im lazy? I dont care. All I ask u to do is apply for jobs for me but dont bother anymore."

Oh NO there's your terrifying punishment OP, you're not allowed to spend your precious time applying for jobs on behalf of a lazy, selfish, entitled, small-willied knobber any more . The sad thing is, he probably thinks he's got you so much where he wants you, that you'll be begging on your knees to do his ironing, suck his cock and do his blimmin job apps all at the same time. Well - WHY?

More seriously, you said before that you let him get away with stuff because you're scared he'll leave. Why is that so scary to you? (genuine question) x

EAM this is the second time in 5 minutes I've been bobbing my head up and down in agreement with you. I think I've broken my ball bearings.

It does seem that you've pretty much written his feelings and he'd go quite giddy at the thought of it.

Tell him not to come out. For god's sake, come on lady, you don't have kids together...just use this fucking ridiculous row as an excuse to say it's over rather than waste one more second worrying about what he may or may not think. The way he spoke to you alone is enough to call it a day. Seriously - he's a prick.

do you think he could be manufacturing an argument so that you will be all sorry sorry and wont want to upset him by asking him to do stuff to help you? if he was really so mad, and really didnt want to see you and you really drove him crazy then he would have called the holiday off. I think he is putting you in a place where you are supposed to come apologising back to make him feel better.
I have a bad feeling too. Something about the 'I only asked you to apply for jobs for me but dont bother' - he knew straight away that he was lazy. And he did the old trick of demanding outright whether you think he is what he undoubtedly is (like the 'are you calling me a liar?' which usually preceeds a 'no, no, of course not' when its almost 100% certain he is) tell me - did he find the jobs and you just help with the CVs, or did you write all the Cvs and go job hunting on his behalf, and send CVs in for him - did he ever go to interviews?? And its great to say you dont need to bother any more, after the event.....
if he cared he would be bothered that this girls comments were upsetting you, no matter HOW unreasonable that may or may not be.

Actually yes forgot to mention it it my crossness with his attitude.

Both myself and DH have exes that we are friends with and it usually bothers neither of us- we're all friends with each other iyswim.
However when I was pregnant one of his exes started to take more of an interest in him, her dp was away a lot and she was at home alone with a young baby. Normally I would have suggested helping her out but I wasn't happy. At all. Something just made me twitch. Dh was as uninterested as he had been since they broke up but his unprompted reaction was to:

Reassure me.
Delete the offending comments and show me the unanswered messages she sent.
Have a quiet word with her and arranged for a mutual friend to assume his role in communictions.
He liked her and knew her for a long time but I was more important to him and he could see she was getting a bit disrespectful of me and the freedom of access she had to DH.

It was all sorted out and it's back to normal but I do keep a slightly closer eye. He agrees that if it wasn't nipped in the bud she may well have been coaxing him round there while I couldn't give him so much attention. I give him the benefit of the doubt because 1) he's had plenty of time but left her for a reason 2) immediately shut her down. But who really knows? I would say no, not my Dh never, never...but love him and trust him as I do I don't think absolutes are real. If he was your bf I would have had a problem I think.

Fuck him off- thisargument gives you a perfect excuse. Get out of it now and run for the hills OP before you get in too deep (moving in, married etc). Go with your gut- you know this is wrong.

Forgetting the stupid manchild for a mo - what you're doing with that degree and year abroad with your DS is seriously impressive.

Sorry...DS woke up crying so its taken me a while to reply...sorry.
Phew...i dont know where to start responding...
Why am I scared he'll leave? When we very very first got together we were together 2 months and things were great (so i thought!) One night DS was up ill, he's prone to tonsilitis, and we were up all night. The following morning DP came with me to the dr's and then came back home with me and stayed with me til my parents came round to help me. I had an exam the following day so my mum was coming round to watch DS while I revised and prepared. DP suggested we meet the following day, at 12 after my exam. He never turned up. I texted him but got no reply. 3 days later he texted me sayin he thought it was better if we were just friends...and that was it. I was stunned...he'd told me he loved me the week before and i was just gobsmacked. I never texted him, called him or anything, i just said 'ok' and spent the following few weeks going over and over it in my head. I got over it tho...started a new job, met new people etc etc. Then out of the blue, 5 months later, he sent me a facebook request. He'd only just set it up, i was his first friend. It took me a few days to accept but i was curious to see what he wanted. We messaged each other online for a while and then met up. He told me he was so sorry, that he got scared, that he hadnt had a girlfriend since he was in school (the girl i dont like) and that he's gone from havin no girlfriend, no responsibilities etc to suddenly having a girlfriend with a job, a house, and above all a child. He said he'd got scared and bailed. But in the 5 months we were apart he'd bought a house and said that he'd realised what he'd lost and that he wanted us to be together, all 3 of us, and that he'd bought the house for us. Things were so amazing when we got back together, they really were...but then he got made redundant literally a month after we got back together and 3 months after he'd bought his house. So now he's not working, maybe a bit depressed, skint, and i know he's struggling...im crying now as i type this because i just feel so torn. Im not scared of being alone, i know i can do it, but im scared that he's just goin to bail on me again like he did the first time cos he cant handle the fact i've got a child, and am studying, and want a career etc. We spoke about it about a month ago and it was the first time i told him how i felt...and he promised he would never ever walk out on me again and that he was just stupid the last time he did it. But now everytime we argue he says things like, 'i cant live like this' and suggests that he's about to leave me and it makes me almost frantic.

I've told him this...and sometimes we can have adult conversations about our 'arguing style'...but right now, reading all ur comments, i feel like an idiot for telling him im scared he's gonna leave me cos i know that gives him all the power. Sorry to rant...am so tired, and today has been so hard with DS being sick, and I've got so much work to do. Am sorry to go on and on ...xxx

Thanks iguanadonna :)

I really don't think this is the right man for you. You are Uni, and clearly an intelligent and articulate person, and yet you are with a man who can't even apply for jobs himself? That's only one aspect, but do you honestly think that that isn't going to cause you problems in the long run?

He has shown you his true colours now hasn't he? He doesn't want your ds, and he doesn't really want you but he does get a free holiday every month and he's got nothing else to do except to get you to apply for jobs on his behalf (after all you've got nothing better to do have you?) and he can show those applications to the job centre so he can continue to claim.

When you get back to the UK he'll be just the same, nothing will change. You will waste your life looking after him as if he were your son because that's what he expects - after all he's still living with mummy and I'm sure she does everything for him too, so there's nothing in it for him except with you he gets free sex too.

Be good to yourself and your son. Don't let him come to live with you until he's shown that he can look after himself for at least 6 months.

Good luck with your course. That is your top priority besides your ds. Don't be deflected by anything because that is the way to a happy and fulfilled life for you.

He can't apply for his own jobs but he can manage to buy a house? I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if he'd had someone else on the scene doing it all for him, and they too got sick of being his unpaid servant.

Your 6yr-old sounds more mature than this man-child. You really deserve so much better than this.

Thanks Jux Im halfheartedly trying to write my spanish essay now with tears streaming down my face. I dont want him to affect my uni course or my grades, because, as u said, it's the way to a happy future for me and DS. Its just so hard sometimes, and i get so emotional...ur definitely right about the living with mummy thing tho...she does everything...even tho his grandmother is ill at the moment and she's running after her too. I need to give myself a shake and see things clearly! xx

Imagine if you had a lovely male friend or a brother, whose girlfriend was behaving as your boyfriend is. What would you think of her?

A decent person:

• offers to help with household stuff if they are staying
• is polite and kind to other people's children
• appreciates things that are done for them because they realise that applying for jobs/having clean clothes/feeding themselves is no-one's RESPONSIBILITY but their own
• helps out their parents when they have extra work and upset in the form of elderly relatives, rather than being a burden to them

etc etc.

He's got limbs hasn't he? Why should he have you working and stressing your soft heart out over him, while he sits on his aging arse and waits for a better meal ticket to turn up. Having a cock is not a get-off-life-scot-free card. It really isn't. I suggest you spend a LOT more time around your sensible and kind friends and observe how relationships between adults should work.

And please don't cry, there are lots of MNers here who think you sound fab.

You could just do with losing a bit of weight, about 12 stone of dead weight to be precise :o

I think you are starting to see things clearly though and that's hard. You sound lovely and you have so many prospects and good things ahead of you. Don't let this guy drag you down. There is someone out there who will love and respect the wonderful person you are and will welcome your son with open arms. You just haven't met him yet :)

Hahaha! That's the first time i've smiled all night!! :)

This is something that has been playin on my mind for a while, and seeing my best friend and her boyfriend kind of brought things home for me.

He's supposedly flying here tomorrow to stay for a week. Although the way the conversation got left before that may not be the case. I havent spoke to him or heard from him since. I know im not strong enough to tell him not to come...i know that for a fact. I feel like this week is going to be a kind of 'make or break' thing...and im dreading it xxxx

I'm going out on a limb here, cos your argument reminded me of my ex, and I was shaking here on my sofa.

This guy will go on to be controlling, possibly abusive. He's already manipulating you, and he clearly is not in this for you, he's out for what he feels entitled to take.

Abusers usually show their colours about 18m to 2 years into the relationship. The fact that he has you running all over, treating you with disdain, and you are quaking at the thought of 'losing' him. You are in over your head, and thois man is a. Bad man. He's not good enough for you, and you have a job to protect your son.

End it. Today. Stop him coming out tomorrow. Cancel the flights.

You have to do this.

Has it occurred to you that if when you dump this manipulative twat you won't have to spend any more time worrying about him leaving you?

Make or break? It's already broken. Why spend a week flogging a dead horse when you could be having fun with a hot Spaniard?