Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

The hot Spaniard thing did cross my mind too, izzy :o

And he could make you patatas bravas

Major red flags!

You'll be lucky to get rid of him now.

Really.

Yes, it has occurred to me...numerous times! I feel guilty all the time too...like im using all my energy stressing over DP when I should be using it on DS. I just know that im not gonna cancel his flights...I haven't got the balls too xx

Haha! There are hardly any hot spaniards in my little town...although at the minute i'd settle for a not so hot one if he made me spanish omelette every day and promised to write my essay for me!!! :) xx

I've thought about the sabotage idea too...when we got together he was earning really good money...but has been out of work now for 16 months. This year i've been working so hard, and as all of my friends from uni are on their year abroads too we've had a ball...I've taken DS to Rome, France, Alicante...and have had friends over here all the time. Sometimes I wonder if he resents it me a bit? xx

And if he DID help you with your work, put a wash on and then cooked dinner, while loving you and being supportive of your life, you'd think you'd found a miracle wouldn't you? But you don't see the value of the work you've done for your waste of space man, even though it's the same stuff.

Most men are nicer than this, honest.

Great minds, Elephants

O those patatas bravas, those pimientos padron, those ensalada Rusas, those hot steamy nights...

Either find your own cojones - or find his and break them.

you have a lovely child, you are doing a degree and you are supporting yourself and your son in a foreign city. you will have a great career. these are things your partner should be PROUD of, not things he cant handle.
You havent asked him for anything unreasonable, nothing more than a so called partner of 18 months, who is supposed to be moving in together, should be doing anyway - equal share in the housework, some support with ds while you finish some coursework, and put the holds on an ex gf making snarky comments about you.
he has found your weak spot and he is using it to control you. He obviously realises that you are scared of him leaving - did you discuss how you felt when he walked last time, once he came back with the hearts and flowers and pretty words? Did he pick up on how pleased you were to have him back, and did you reveal your fears of being alone in the post break up make up? however he knows, he knows, and he uses the phrase that he 'cant handle' stuff to frighten you back down when you say stuff he doesnt want to do. Soon you wont say stuff. soon ou will be creeping on eggshells, and the you will be making ds creep on eggshells too, just so that he cant possibly upset him, given that he doesnt really know about kids or get on with them well.
re his abuse. is he taking steps to deal with it, or is it just another excuse for shitty behaviour.
If he comes over i think he will be in the nice cycle, acting as if none of this has happened. until you ask him to do the stuff you want him to help. You had started this thread determined to discuss with him his fair share in the chores, but see how his behaviour has moved you away from that? Will you dare broach that subject, knowing that he is already 'not handling' the stuff about his GF. It would be easier all round if you cut it now and didnt have to deal with what next week could be. at least there wouldnt be the risk of weakening if you saw him and he started putting on the nice act.

My mother moved a new BF in when I was 6. He went through the motions of pretending to enjoy my company but I never felt relaxed around him. Once he moved in our relationship deteriorated to the point where we stopped speaking. He basically saw me as the competition and didn't want me around. Never did any housework either and failed at job after job. It was hell-I really hated him by the end. took my mum 10 years to get rid of the guy. Not saying this will be your scenario but be very careful. It can do your child real emotional damage to live with an adult who does not take proper, loving responsibility and care for him. Live apart for a while and make some real demands. If he scarpers it's probably good riddance in the end. Good luck.

stop it now with all the food references...ur making me hungry and my diet supposedly started today!!! Not only am I unhappy in my relationship I've also put on about a stone since living here cos the tapas is amazing!!!!!!! So when someone said about losing weight before i looked around and wondered if she could see me!!! haha!!!

Youve all cheered me up so much tonight, so thank you! I have got absolutely no idea what's going to happen tomorrow...but im going to be strong. IF he comes...and it's a big IF...I will set some ground rules straight away. I will tell him that i've been unhappy for a while and that things have got to change. I know he'll think this is all on the back of the facebook argument and will probably not listen...but im going to try and have a proper talk to him about everything. If it all goes tits up then there's a hostel round the corner that he can stay in for a week!!!!
Thats if he comes. Im expecting nothing to be honest. xxxx

I think where you might be making a mistake is in thinking that this other woman is your enemy. No, it's him.

What's his explanation btw for why he didn't have a relationship from the age of, what, 15 to 32?

oh he will come alright!!!

stick to your guns. you and your ds deserve a man who will worship the ground you walk on, and be honoured to take a father's role for your little boy. and you will know when that man comes along as everything will seem so easy and natural and stress free (even the inevitable rows now and then) and will love and respect him in equal measure.

2to3 that's what im so scared of...that i'll somehow 'damage' my DS. I'd never forgive myself for that. The moving in together idea has well and truly gone from my mind now. I've had a chat with my best friend and she's going to help me look for houses when i get home, we've already found 2 lovely ones on the internet....and IF me and DP are still together by then...i'll take things slow.

Nettletea re his abuse...he told me about it this time last year and i was horrified. In all honestly, i didnt know what to do or say about it and still dont. He told me the majority of what happened and said that he still suffers panic attacks/has nightmares about it now. He said he saw a dr about it briefly when he was younger and finally told his mum about it....but it doesnt seem to have helped. I've asked him if he'd see a counsellor again and he said he wasnt sure...sometimes its as though he really wants to talk to me about it, but then doesnt know how to. xx

yes, i forgot about the 'missing years'??

i would also go quite a bit on your son's natural instinct of not liking him - kids are wonderful at sussing people out, and the explaination of jealousy may not be true. It may be more that he feels that he has to try to like him now, as he is your boyfriend, and he wants to please you, but someone who teases him alot probably isnt doing his self esteem much good.
The experiences which you are giving him, of travel and new cultures though, will be doing him an amazing amount of good.
I am very glad that the moving in is now being rejected

elephants i asked the mutual friend about this one...she said he's always just been 'one of the lads'...not that interested in girls and relationships and she was quite surprised when we got together. She said that in the 10 years she's known him he's never had a gf...and when i've met his friends at social events they've all commented on it too. Said im the first girl he's brought to weddings etc so I must be something special. I get on really really well with all of his friends tbh, they're a nice group...all his male friends are married with kids, he's the only one not to be. We've never really had a big 'exes' talk together...he's mentioned this one girl but I think i kinda dragged the information out of him one night when we were drunk...he never asks about mine either. Whenever i bring up his ex he tells me its in the past, he's got absolutely no interest in her whatsoever but that he classes her as an old friend, hence having her on fb. She's married, lives away and has just had a baby. He promised me if she ever ever wrote anything flirty or suggestive he would delete her immediately cos he doesnt want me to be hurt...but to me, the comments she's made already have hurt me and he doesnt seem to understand. xx

This guy's got more violins than Nigel Kennedy.

For 'tortured soul' read 'lazy git'.

The way he is now can only become worse once you have moved in together. You may be living comfortably but how will you manage feeding an extra adult? Think carefully about your issues with him and how you will be unloading them to your son when he moves in. It is totally unfair on your DS. I would wait longer and see a change in his behaviour first. He may have issues from the abuse so he should seek counselling and resolve them before moving him into your house and putting your DS's emotional being at risk. You seem to be doing really well.

You're dreading spending a week with this man. Why would you want to do this to yourself and your son? if you can't depend on him you make you and your son happy when things are good he gets a free holiday in Spain once a month what exactly do you think would happen if you're back in the uk and it's business as usual or, worse, something bad happens?

I think you sound amazing. He really doesn't and his behaviour has scattered big red flags throughout your posts.

Imagine yourself free of him, six months down the line - picture you and your son laughing and happy and relaxed. Is your life really better with him in it?

Also as one that has been there- talking about your abuse is good, it can be healthy. However it is not a 'reason' to act how he acts.
He does need to sort himself out & he has no reason to do that. Sometimes things like this can be used as a way to never have to face adult life.

The problem with that is not only does your own life go up in flames but you destroy e everyone around you.

Your DS needs to be away from this man as much as you do. His behavior points to a worrying trend he has already started overtures on your DS.

Abuse can ruin you or you can step up and try your damned hardest to live like a normal person in a healthy way. He is the only one that can decide that but he won't if you take him back from this. I missed the previous abuse comment & unfortunately that changes things for me because he only has one way to communicate & you do not want that around your son. Seriously.
His actions take on an even worse light now. You will not fix him. He will not is highly unlikely to change and this will end horribly. I have seen this guy too many times. Don't fall for his niceness & charm if that was the real him we wouldn't be here now. He was broken & that is terrible & not his fault but this is his choice, don't let him turn your DS into a shadow of himself, afraid to do anything in his own home. It will be you first and by then it's so much harder to get out. I'm sorry to come over Miss Amateur Dramatic but I really think you need to be aware that he is using this as a means to continue the cycle. Whatever you choose to do after he sorts himself out is up to you but until then it is not a good idea to get anywhere near this guy.

Who pays for his once a month flights? His mummy or you?