Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

Have to say hahahahahaaaaa at

" 'you think im lazy? I dont care. All I ask u to do is apply for jobs for me but dont bother anymore. "

PRICELESS!

He's very rude to you isn't he? If my boyfriend kept saying I was manipulative and "a crank" (is he from the 1950s?) I'd probably suggest he sodded off and find someone he DID like then.

If he turns up you will probably feel relieved and cry on him, rather than be angry for what he's put you through. I would suggest that you're going through a milder form of the emotional turmoil of the cycle of abuse. Does that look at all familiar?

Can you see that he's upsetting you ON PURPOSE?

"I know. I do actually know all of this. And i know if it was one of my friends i'd be telling them the EXACT same thing as you are all telling me. It's so hard when it's you in the situation tho isnt it?"

Why are you so afraid to finish it with him? What's stopping you? Why are you clinging on to this wreck of a relationship until the bitter end despite knowing it's no good for you?

To go back to your original question - no, you're expecting far too little.

I hope this loser doesn't turn up... but I think he will. That in itself will tell you a massive amount. That his preferred method of sorting out problems is to sulk, tantrum, manipulate... but then turn up bright eyed and waiting for his dinner to be cooked as if nothing has happened. Meanwhile, your stomach has been in knots for a day.

With the rest - where to start? Lazy, entitled, selfish, a taker. You can do so much better it's not even funny. Your friend is 100% right about him.

This man will be an appalling role model for your DS.

He will also be thoroughly damaging for him as he grows - no, he clearly has no intention of stepping into the role of stepfather. He wants to be pandered to, not care for others.. that should be obvious.

The thing that stood out for me is his teasing of your DS. That is BAD BAD BAD. It's one of the things I REALLY hate seeing - you see (crap) parents doing it to their kids sometimes. No, it's never a case of 'them winding each other up' - even if your DS acts out back to him, the power balance is in your P's favour. When you were a kid, do you ever remember the feeling you got when an adult teased you? The discomfort and embarrassment that you were being taken for a ride in a way you couldn't ever really defend yourself against? The feeling is very similar to bullying - on the surface the bully is smiling and 'teasing' - but you are the weaker person and they know that, and their smile is really a smirk of triumph.

It's a horrible feeling. Your DS will be less secure, will come on less well with this nasty bloke around.

If he turns up this weekend, don't panic. Let him carry on with the way he is behaving, watch him... and learn. I hope it will make up your mind for you in a way 100 strangers on the internet can't. Mind you, so many strangers are not massively likely to be wrong...

When he leaves, dump. DUMP DUMP DUMP - and enjoy your time in Spain with your little boy, making new friends and having fun. Get yourself a trusted local babysitter and have a fab summer.

I don't think it's his history of abuse as such that is a warning- it's the fact that he is already using it as an excuse. That would worry me and make not want him around my child.

It's so hard when it's you in the situation tho isnt it? It's only as hard or as easy as you care to make it.

Given the way he demeans you and your ds, I wouldn't have thought you'd find it hard to dump this abusive bellend or that you'd suffer any regret after the event.

From your op: I was speechless when her bf washed the dishes.....

When you stay with someone, or live with someone, that's what you do. When I stay with relatives I help with housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning up, childcare, whatever; that's what people do.

If I were staying with someone every month, I would assume that was required especially if it were someone I was hoping to live with in the future. Why isn't he showing you what a good catch he is, how great it will be to live with him, how much easier your life will be when he's there lifting the burden of trying to juggle childcare, housework, studying, work, etc.

He's letting you know now that what he's actually going to bring to your life is more difficulty, and worry and fear and heartache.

You know you can do better. We know you can do better. Now show him that you know.

As GP has said, when this nasty piece of work torments your ds it makes him feel powerful - and it makes your ds feel powerless.

If you stand idly by while he's being tormented what message do you think you are giving your ds? That you love this man more than you love him? That he can't rely on you to protect him? That bullies always win?

At 6yo your ds won't be able to fully articulate how he's feels when this bully torments him, but as his childhood experiences will shape the man he'll become it's incumbent on you to ensure that his young life is filled with positive experiences enabled by positive and forward thinking adults.

With regard to your question "Am I expecting too much?; as the welfare and wellbeing of your ds should be of paramount importance to you, you can never expect too much of any individual you introduce to your child and you should immediately cease contact with anyone who falls short of what should be your exacting standards in this respect.

You'll benefit from putting your child's needs before those of your own and ridding your lives of this particular piece of gobshite before he causes serious psychological harm to you both.

Sorry for not replying.... fell asleep watching a dvd with DS and am snowed under with him. Will respond properly later...but thanks again for all of ur advice!! I am taking it on board...I really am xx

Take all of our well-considered and well-meaning advice on board - and jettison him

Don't throw him a lifebelt - turds always rise to the surface.

"As GP has said, when this nasty piece of work torments your ds it makes him feel powerful - and it makes your ds feel powerless. "

Believe it or not, as an adult, you have power. Your DS has none. You are supposed to be there to protect him. You're not protecting him. Your DS should come before the bf. Use the power that you have to protect your DS......

If the bf does come to visit, take the money he owes you and when he's due to go home, wave him off and end it with him. He's an emotional vampire, sucking the life out of you and your DS and don't you think your DS deserves more, even if you don't think you do?

Hi Op, have read whole thread. This guy is NO GOOD for you. You need to finish it. Seriously. Good luck

Just checking in Op I agree with thistledew- she knows the man I'm talking about.

Don't misconstrue me I think you are an amazing person that is building a wonderful life for you & your son. But head meet wall.

You will never get your son back if you choose this guy. Ever. Not only will he be belittled, humiliated and worse as this guy settles in and demands more and more of your attention but your poor damaged little boy will find it hard to ever forgive you for not only allowing him to be harmed but never choosing him. I can tell you what that feels like. What I can't tell you is what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of 'why wasn't I enough? Why didn't you love me enough to stop this?' Because there is nothing in this world that would make me cause my kids to feel that.

I'm not saying you're a bad mother or anything of tge sort. What I am saying is you have a clear path in front of you with this guy. Even if you would happily be ruined for life by staying (btw for better or worse is your MARRIAGE vow not for any old cock) your son does not have that choice. It is up to you to do better by him.

You say it's hard when it's you- look at your son, imagine him saying the above to you. Him telling you he's always been second best to cocklodger. Then how hard is it? If you say anything other than not hard at all I think that should show you why you need to lock your door and find a therapist. Call your friend for back up if needs be.

I'm not meaning to be harsh but it boils down to choosing your son or this man. That's it.

This guy is not going to be fixed by you and you ain't no Romeo & Juliet. You can ignore what is being said about him and make all the excuses you can muster. But each time you make an excuse you take on big step down the road of fucking over your son. Sorry but that's how it stands.

You and he deserve better. I'm not trying to get all emotional blackmail on you I'm just making it clear what the cost will be a few years down the line. I'm not going to say only you know if it's worth it because he isn't and you are making so many excuses I'm not sure you see how far in you got.

Hoping he hasn't turned up....:-( if he has

Hope your ds is feeling better, you got a good sleep and can tackle your work with a clear head.

He will have turned up- I'm sure of it. Hopefully OP will have the strength to end it.

I can guarantee 100% that he will have turned up.
the fact she hasnt been here makes me concerned that he is more manipulative than we thought - looks like he had done the nicey nicey turnaround and she couldnt face kicking him back out while he was being 'good'. He has probably said that she is right, and he will change and help more, but he just got scared as he 'couldnt handle' the responsibility and all the parenting stuff, and he just feels oh so sad and depressed by not being in work and seeing her do so much, she is such a fantastic person and so capeable, it makes him feel inadequate..... this opening up of vulnerability will melt poor OPs heart and he will nominally do the minimum whilst showing in big demonstrations how great he is (you know, a great big production about making a cup of tea, drawing attention to whatever he is doing 'for' her or to 'help' her!!)
I wouldnt even be surprised if he proposes to her.

I've been reading this thread with a horrible sinking feeling. OP please come back and tell us you've ditched him and that you're ok. I really don't want you to be back on this board in a year or more, beaten down (literally and emotionally) thinking about the damage this man has done to you and your gorgeous son and the time you've wasted with this prick.

Please listen to what this man is telling you about himself. And run for the bloody hills!!!!

Whatever you do, op, please please please don't let anything deter you from making the absolute most of your degree, your year in Spain, the rest of your studies and ultimately your career. It is paramount that you are fixated on that, as that means you will be able to be as independent as you need to be, whatever you decide to do with your dp now.

Op? Did you call anyone to help you turf him to the hostel?

I have faith that the OP is a strong, emotionally intelligent mother who can see what's in front of her eyes now.

NT - it's sad I'm not the only one who thinks he will propose. Stupidly reassured I'm not the only one that thinks the same of his motives though if someone else has read the same.

I wish I shared your faith, NicNoc.

It seems to me that the twat's motives are crystal clear but when it comes to seeing hiim for the emotionally abusive freeloading dickhead he is, the OP's vision is clear as mud which does not bode well for her little ds.

I'm guessing that the OP is away with the fairies now; pathetically grateful that he's deigned to make the journey after she was so unreasonable to him on the phone, convincing herself that we and her friends have got him completely wrong thanks to his gift of a couple of magazines and a box of PG Tips, and desperate to make him love her more by pandering to his every whim/need.

I've seen it so many times before. Intelligent, capable, confident women grovelling to no account losers because of an erroneous belief that there's something wrong with them if they're not coupled up with one man.

Hopefully we will get an update.

I know Izzy . I agree with you sadly but was hoping that Op would come back and see the pps and stick to her resolve.

She hasn't, I still hope against hope it's because she is with her great friend who is holding her hand while he creates. But it isn't is it.
He's there building his fantasy land all around her.

That poor little boy. My heart weeps for him and his misery to come. Poor love.
That's why I don't want to believe it, she's a good mother, it's clear how much she loves her little boy. So that's why I'm going to wait until she comes back & tells us that sickness has been told to get to fuck.

Sometimes I am a classic study in the triumph of hope over experience

Well for once autocorrect might be right.
I wrote dickhead but got sickness...how tragically serendipitous.

ccaatthhyy I am another one with a very bad feeling about this. He is bringing nothing to the picnic and is rude, uneducated and lazy.

You have so much going for you but you risk being dragged down and made miserable by this man.

Think where you want to be in 5 years time and don't do anything to jeopardise that plan.