men who got to prostitutes

[jake42]

Hello .
ive been reading all the threads on here about guys who visit escorts/ prostitutes/ whores etc , and i know im probably going to be called all sorts of names as its mainly a womans site, but i thought id write and tell my tale.

42 year old male , married for some 15 years, adore my wife and child and my family life . i want to get old with her .
just after our marriage one evening after sex ,whilst cuddling in bed , she says ive been thinking, we dont have to do sex, we love each other , lets live together like a brother and sister ! WTF im thinking, whats bought this on, nothing i could say or do would change her mind, we had sex very infrequently after , mainly to try for a baby. once said baby was born , she obviously was tired most of the time and eventually moved into the spare room blaming tiredness and my snoring (i do snore, but not that bad) . that was around 10 years ago and is still there now. We may of had sex 6 or 7 times since, im never allowed the pleasure of oral sex either way ,sex is always at my request, but always with the feeling that she just wants me to come and finish.
i adore her and cant imagine life without her, but the thought of no sex or hardly any doesnt appeal to me at all.
so after being knocked back one time too many i visited a site where Escort girls advertised and agreed to meet one .
i have been discreetly seeing different ones for around 5 years, always take every precaution and making sure my wife does not catch anything.
im basically between a rock and a hard place, i need to have sex , my wife doesnt, we love each other , i dont want to leave her , she , i assume doesnt want us to split up . but i cant imagine life for another 30 yrs with out sexual contact. i kind of figure that paying for it off a prostitute is better than having an affair, which as i love my wife would be out of the question.
i would be glad if anyone out there could perhaps in someway give me some advice . oh and im not a woman hater , i adore female company more than male .

[MaybeADHD]

I think it's the separation of sex from a relationship, I mean, if he loves her as he says he does and everything else is good but he just wants a bit more sex than she does, then the simple man answer is to just satisfy that one aspect, I personally would be more gutted if he was having a relationship with one particular woman though it is the lesser of two evils.
I'd bet though that there are other stagnant waters in their relationship too for the sex to be so non-existent and if these were addressed then maybe the spark would return?

[likeatonneofbricks]

..which would be still 'dirty' whereas sex in marriage isn't according to Catholicism (well, modern C-sm at least).

[Thistledew]

I didn't say that he has to remain in a sexless relationship. That is his choice too. But you are being absurd to suggest that it is down to her that he is using prostituted women.

[likeatonneofbricks]

in my post to Thistle it should have been 'I did not say'

[Thistledew]

You were right the first time bricks. You said "by seeing sex as dirty she pushes him into sex with escorts".

[likeatonneofbricks]

got it Thistle? I didn't say she pushed him onto this specifically, it could have been affairs instead, which are still 'dirty' for married people. Pushed him into sex out of marriage as she didn't give him any options (didn't ask him to lkeave did she?). Sex wouldn't be dirty with his wife, but SHE sees it as such. It's absurd of his wife.

[Chubfuddler]

It's the" she pushed him into it "!everyone has a problem with. Perhaps he should have just been honest instead?

[likeatonneofbricks]

yes, I emphathised that it's he's gone the dirtiest route, but if it wasn't that it would be something else like affairs which is less contentious but still dirty. She could have had sex in marriare more than once a year - and then no one will be having 'dirty sex'. Can't you see that her mentality is screwed and then things follow??

[Thistledew]

Don't you think he had the option to leave rather than be dishonest to his wife and family? Why are you disregarding his own choices?

[Chubfuddler]

No your mentality is screwed. She doesn't owe him sex. If he wasn't happy he should have left or been open about seeking sex elsewhere.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Or maybe she should have been living in the real world and suggested to him that as she wants no 'dirty sex' he is free to get it elsewhere, and set her rules what exactly he's allowed. Did she think OF HIM, her H, for one minute?? it makes me furious that women defend even stupid/unreasonable other women come what may.
And i did suggest two option - go to couselling or ask her for open marriage, I'never said tat ghe should continue lying. The thing is he still loves her so just leaving quietly is not an optuion for him.

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

Yes NYAC - Totally agree

[likeatonneofbricks]

Chub - oh really? it's a marriage, she has no health reasons to refuse or anything to do with his behaviour! she wasn't honest before marrying him that it will be a sexless marriage!
I already said in my first post that he could ask for open marriage or get couple hterapy, please read before maling your judgements about my mentality.

[Chubfuddler]

I live how determined you are to see the op as the victim of this all powerful wife, who had no choice in his actions. Bollocks to that.

BTW he does not love her. You do not use family money to pay prostitutes when you love someone.

I think the situation suits the op perfectly. He has women neatly compartmentalised in line with his madonnas/whores complex and can pretend its all not even his fault. I bet if his wife started putting out, he'd still pay for it.

[Chubfuddler]

Well you seem happy to speculate about the ops wife's mental health. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

[doormat]

if my dick head felt like this and i wasnt giving him any..i would prefer he used escorts/prozzies {anything bar ald slapper) than to have an affair that could turn into something more...that would kill me....it nearly did when i caught exh in the act...pants round ankles etc...

in fact i have always told dh and exdh that if i became too ill not to be able to have sex i would prefer them to go to an escort...

sex is sex....making love is quite different....

but the most important thing is if they were honest with me and told me the truth...

[likeatonneofbricks]

I have reasons to speculate about his wife - I'm not the one seeing sex in marriage as dirty!
She lied to him from the start by not tellung him he's getting into sexless marriage. You are defending an unreasonable person, but good luck! and You aer hellbent in seeing the wife as a victim, so that's ok then. I'm dead against prostitution. I'm talking about him being completely disregraded by wife as normal sexual being who would never be disloyal if she slept with him. And you aer unreasonable towards OP, he does not love it that's why he's posting - read his post, he loves sex with his wife, you twisted it all, well done!

[Greenshadow]

Well done Jake.

I for one think you are doing the right thing.

DW is happy, you are satisfying your needs, albeit not quite as you would prefer it. Counselling is not going to make your DW enjoy sex, just maybe make her tolerate on your behalf. Is that what you would want?

I think this kind of thing needs to be seen as acceptable and perhaps it might save a few marriages.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Op DID tell his wife that he needs andwants sex with her, that he's not happy with sexless marriage. She knew full well where that can lead to if she ignores him, she probably doesn't care, otherwise she would discuss the options with him. It's quite simple.

[Chubfuddler]

Well doormat what an appropriate username.

I can't be bothered with you any further bricks. If the op can lie to his wife for five years I'm sure he's perfectly capable of misrepresenting her on a forum. But clearly you see sex as an entitlement and nothing anyone says will alter that frankly terrifying world view.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Chub you are being RIDICULOUS (my terrifying world view haha - of people expecting marriage to be intimate, of not seeing commited sex as dirty - are you for real?). Why didn't his wife just offered him friendship instead? YOu bluntly refuse seeing that his wife LIED TO HIM by not saying before marrying him that the marriage will be sexless. And what happens - now he's lying to her in return. Read threrad from women on MN where H is not intertested in sex/intimacy - tell them they have terrifying views.
OP is seeking advice, ge's not happy to be in this situation , so why not apologise to him Chub, for accusing him of being happy with madonnas/whores?

[RetroMom]

Everyone knows that a good sex life accounts for 10% of a marriage while a bad sex life makes up 90% of a bad relationships. So why any woman with a failing libido would take the attitude that the husband is the problem with his head full of sex always surprises me. And I do believe a woman who doesn't seek help for her failing libido has renaged on the couple's agreement when they got together and bonded in the first place. But all too often the man is blamed for thinking with his trousers undone!

[doormat]

chub i am anything but....that is and always has been my personal choice...as long as he was honest....if he lied he would be out the door

[Thistledew]

If my DP were to choose to have sex with prostituted women, to see women as a receptacle for his dick, to enjoy having sex with a partner who was not enjoying it herself, to use family money to support an industry where women are coerced into sex and raped on a daily basis, to risk having sex with women who were being coerced or trafficked into having sex with him, then I would not consider that I had any sort of marriage at all, let alone one that was worth saving.

To those women who see saving their marriage as being more important than all of this, what has got you so scared of being single? Do you not have values and ethics that are more important to you than appearing to the outside world to be part of a happy couple? Don't you think your own sense of dignity is worth more than this? Or are you happy to be complicit in the abuse of other women just for the sake of sharing your house with a man?

[QueenieLovesEels]

Maybe his wife knows and accepts it as a trade off for a lifestyle? Most families would notice that glaring hole in the family budget.

What I don't understand is why he is paying for sex. There are people who willingly meet up to scratch their respective itches. Why would you pay when you could be with someone who is actually agreeable to having sex with you?

I think he should have tackled this earlier in the marriage and don't really understand why he didn't.