men who got to prostitutes

[jake42]

Hello .
ive been reading all the threads on here about guys who visit escorts/ prostitutes/ whores etc , and i know im probably going to be called all sorts of names as its mainly a womans site, but i thought id write and tell my tale.

42 year old male , married for some 15 years, adore my wife and child and my family life . i want to get old with her .
just after our marriage one evening after sex ,whilst cuddling in bed , she says ive been thinking, we dont have to do sex, we love each other , lets live together like a brother and sister ! WTF im thinking, whats bought this on, nothing i could say or do would change her mind, we had sex very infrequently after , mainly to try for a baby. once said baby was born , she obviously was tired most of the time and eventually moved into the spare room blaming tiredness and my snoring (i do snore, but not that bad) . that was around 10 years ago and is still there now. We may of had sex 6 or 7 times since, im never allowed the pleasure of oral sex either way ,sex is always at my request, but always with the feeling that she just wants me to come and finish.
i adore her and cant imagine life without her, but the thought of no sex or hardly any doesnt appeal to me at all.
so after being knocked back one time too many i visited a site where Escort girls advertised and agreed to meet one .
i have been discreetly seeing different ones for around 5 years, always take every precaution and making sure my wife does not catch anything.
im basically between a rock and a hard place, i need to have sex , my wife doesnt, we love each other , i dont want to leave her , she , i assume doesnt want us to split up . but i cant imagine life for another 30 yrs with out sexual contact. i kind of figure that paying for it off a prostitute is better than having an affair, which as i love my wife would be out of the question.
i would be glad if anyone out there could perhaps in someway give me some advice . oh and im not a woman hater , i adore female company more than male .

[tallwivglasses]

Old, old thread alert...

[bob404040]

ok ive read all the post and have these observations

when you get married friendship, love and sex are all part of it so it is unreasonable to suddenly after a long period of time (except for illness) to say sex or even foreplay is off the table. it is also bang out of order for his wife to say they want to live as brother and sister and not try to resolve the problem, at this point i agree with jake.

how do we know she has stopped sex with jake because she is banging someone else.

at this point councilling or divorce is the option, not going to see a prossy secretly

maybe be an open relationship when you can have sex with other people should have been suggested.

if she is a strict catholic brother and sister should not be married so she should act as brother and sister.
for all the moral comments on here how in this day and age how can the church be taken seriously, how mant priests have been locked up recently for fiddling with kids, how can people take the high moral ground and bring religion into it, maybe you should mention that to your wife.

also how can someone offering a service which you pay for be rape, right or wrong its not rape they are offering sex for money get a grip

so stop seeing the whores talk to your wife and either tell her you want sex back on the table, seek help about it or allow him to see other people for sex or get divorced, make a decision

[tractorman]

blimey "somebloke123" you get told off for saying that !

[somebloke123]

I haven't followed all the replies so I may be repeating stuff others have said, but two things struck me particularly about the OP:

Firstly, he clearly was looking in good faith for candid advice, not angling for sympathy, otherwise he wouldn't have used a likely hostile forum such as this.

Second, his wife expressed the wish for them to live together as brother and sister. Now not only is a brother and sister relationship not the same as a husband and wife relationship; the two are mutually exclusive. A brother and sister sharing the same house would not normally feel the obligation to tell the other or ask advice on sexual or romantic relations with others.

So if his wife really meant that she has surely already expressed a wish to end the marriage.

That said I guess there does need to be some sort of agreement reached on relationships with others, whether it is made explicit or as an unspoken understanding.

[Abitwobblynow]

Well said tractorman. That is the way forward.

All the time she can get away with not taking him seriously, she will. Because that path means no change.

And all the time he pushes his feelings and resentments down for the sake of peace, and not making her uncomfortable, he's on her path.

And change ONLY happens when the discomfort is greater than the pain of change. So Jake really needs to find his bollocks and SPEAK UP. And continue to speak whatever the wails, sulks, whatever that comes his way.

[tractorman]

hi Jake and previous posters .
although i dont agree with what you are doing, its very deceitful, id advise against splitting up with your wife , you have both worked hard for the home you have , and to split up would mean quite a bit of financial hardship. you say you both love each other , and if i was in your shoes , id have a open discussion with her ,talk about your desire for a sex life and tell her how it makes you feel.if she refuses sex, then id suggest counselling, if that doesnt work and you feel so strong that youd like a sexual relationship, then ask her , how she would feel about an open marriage , this will either appal her , or shock her into realising how unhappy you are. Either way you need to bring this issue out, going to escort girls isnt the answer.

[carmenelectra]

Where is Jake by the way? Playing happy families or lining up his next girl?

[carmenelectra]

A million year, I think you are probably right. I can't imagine any woman of Jakes age with the internet and the media, not realising how easy it is to buy sex. No longer does a $an have to scour the local red light district for a skanky bird and shag in a car. He can hand pick whatever beauty that takes his fancy.

Would any woman of my generation seriously think a 42 year old man was happy never having sex again just because she went oFf it? I certainly wouldn't be so gullible or naïve.

[amillionyears]

jake42,op,My guess is that your wife already knows what you are doing.
And you dont like using prostitutes.
I dont think anybody on here has actually suggested you tell her.
I think you should.I dont think it is going to be a surprise.
It may well be a relief to you both.
And then maybe you can both move forward together.

[mcmooncup]

Retro - just reading this thread, you seem very much to believe that people make free choices and that is their problem. You also mention a few times your bad choice in choosing a manipulative (and abusive?) partner.

When you look back at 'the choice' you made to be with that man......do you really think that was a free choice? Or was it a choice made around expectations of a woman? The place in society of a woman? What behaviour is acceptable for a man/ i.e. what they can get away with in terms of manipulation and control? Societal expectations around the role of the mother?

I think when you examine your own place in 'a choice' you made about getting into a situation and relationship where a man is perhaps exploiting his societal endorsed power over you, you might see that in fact many choices we make are not 'free' and things are not quite so black and white.

[RetroMom]

Sigmund, the BJ does the trick with your Dsis because her and her man are physically bonded intimately.

There is sex without the intimate bond, as is love for sale, but there is no sex like the sex with the intimate bond. So yes, I can see why your Dsis may get what she wants after a nice BJ to her OH and it's not done as a bargaining tool, but as a give and take. He wants to make her happy too. If you go out of your way to make your partner happy, my experience is, they go out of their way to make you happy too, if you are truly loved up and bonded.

On the other hand you do get women who use sex as a bargaining tool with their partners to the extent that the relationship turns competitive, transactional and destructive.

[runningforthebusinheels]

still?? Would do the trick for anything.

[runningforthebusinheels]

Actually, I feel a bit bad for your SIL - "a BJ does the trick" - I don't have the sort of relationship where I am so enslaved to man that a BJ sill do the trick for anything. Reminds me of Sex & the City where Charlotte gets that bloke to agree to marry her without her converting to Judaism while he's on the point of orgasm. Afterwards, he says, no way, I would have said anything then! She still had to convert to Judaism to marry him

[runningforthebusinheels]

*neither trafficked or groomed or pimped

[runningforthebusinheels]

The punters have a value to prostitutes providing they are the ones in control of the transaction - that they are either trafficked or groomed or pimped. Or drug addicted, come to that - what's the value of a trick to a prostitute if it's just paying for the next drug hit? Which will then get her through the next trick?

I think that society can be moved along to be more enlightened by not accepting that sex can be bought and sold, that women and children are not commodities.

I agree there are many industries that do exploit people - but can you name any that are as bad (in the UK) as trafficking women and children?

[SigmundFraude]

Oh I reckon there was a healthy dose of objectification in the beginning, now it's a different matter! There is no sex as bargaining chip in our relationship, but to be totally honest, I wish there was (in a 'healthy' way). I'm being a little tongue in cheek here, but I see my Dsis poll up with her newest purchase and I know how she got it! The thing is, there is no harm in it within their relationship, I don't feel it's demeaning to either of them, they have an extremely solid relationship, but she knows if she really wants something, a BJ will do the trick. WHo are we to say it's wrong if it works for them.

The punters have financial value to prostitutes, rather than the other way round (excluding trafficked women). You say that men have no respect for the prostitutes they visit, but do you think the prostitutes have respect for them?

I think that society accepts that sex can be bought and sold. I believe that it will be impossible to stop prostitution. I think there has to be another answer to the situation of abused/trafficked women. If this was a widespread problem I think there would be far more of an outcry than there is. Of course, having said that, even one trafficked woman is one to many. I am vehemently against anyone being forced into the sex industry. I don't know what the answer is, but arresting punters does not get to the core of the issue.

People being exploited isn't the sole preserve of prostitution though, there are many, many industries that exploit people and create misery, why only focus on prostitution?

[runningforthebusinheels]

Can't stand Bono though.

[runningforthebusinheels]

Retro, children are dying of starvation every day ( another thing MN is campaigning about at the minute).

You need to take your blinkers off - human trafficking is a real problem, happening to real people, and so is forced prostitution - something that, given your personal history that you have posted on this thread, I would have thought you would understand.

[RetroMom]

...fresh water piplines they've been constructing from donations collected since the 80s....

[RetroMom]

Ah funny how my links to evidence is nothing but scraping around and trying to find articles in support, yet I should take what you say as gospel!

Take your blinkers off for a minute and admit, the facts and figures have been twisted, and just like all those poor dying children in Africa adverts, you've been sucked right in! (Bono is a billionaire and yet those pipelines they've been collected donations for since the 80s are nowhere to be found!)

[runningforthebusinheels]

Retro - I think criminalising men for buying sex is a solution - it generally takes a generation to change attitudes towards something once it has been criminalised, so it may take a bit of time. But once it it seen as not sociall acceptable to buy women for sex, then attitudes will change, demand will fall. Men don't need prostitutes.

And rather than scraping around and trying to find articles that support and minimise the vast market in human trafficking you should really educate yourself. For so many it is not a choice - women and children are seen as a commodity to be bought and sold.

[runningforthebusinheels]

Sigmund, I understand what you're saying to a point, but I can't agree with it.

I don't agree that all human beings are for sale in one way or another - and I definitely don't agree that your and your dh's mutual attraction is 'objectification'. (Unless you have a very strange relationship).

I am lucky enough to have a fantastic relationship with my dh, and some would say an idyllic life (now - it's not always been that way). But there is no objectification in our relationship. It is based on mutual attraction and shared interests/viewpoints/dc etc etc. There is no 'bargaining', neither of us see sex as a transaction, or a bargaining chip. It's all mutual.

The minute you put cold hard cash into a transaction it puts a different slant on things - it becomes something to be abused, to be exploited. Therefore if you can buy sex with women for cash, then women become a commodity - something of financial value - hence where the trafficking and grooming come in. As soon as a society accepts that sex can be bought and sold - then people are trafficked for cash by exploitative individuals.

[RetroMom]

Running, I'm not disputing that there are trafficked girls. I'm just saying the numbers are exaggerated. You keep harping on about the slaved girls, completely ignoring the fact that there are more willing girls than slaved, to the extent even the police themselves made up facts and figures to go along with that narrative.

And with that evidence I don't believe banning prostitution is the solution. I've listened, and these girls say they are empowered. That's what I'm taking on board. At the same time I'm not saying nothing should be done for the poor girls in a bad situation. They need help and support. Criminalising men who pay for sex is not the solution. And not all men who pay for sex are rapists, which is the narrative of this thread!

[runningforthebusinheels]

Retro - there are many evidenced examples of trafficked girls from Europe and overseas - as an example, take a look at the Poppy Project. I can understand you wanting to minimise such a distasteful reality as trafficked women raped on a daily basis, but nevertheless it unfortunately goes on.

Those girls in ipswich took their lives in their hands to work on those nights they knew a serial killer was active. They didn't do that through choice. 5 of them were murdered.

[RetroMom]

I found this article dated 2009

www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/oct/20/government-trafficking-enquiry-fails

Inquiry fails to find single trafficker who forced anybody into prostitution