men who got to prostitutes

[jake42]

Hello .
ive been reading all the threads on here about guys who visit escorts/ prostitutes/ whores etc , and i know im probably going to be called all sorts of names as its mainly a womans site, but i thought id write and tell my tale.

42 year old male , married for some 15 years, adore my wife and child and my family life . i want to get old with her .
just after our marriage one evening after sex ,whilst cuddling in bed , she says ive been thinking, we dont have to do sex, we love each other , lets live together like a brother and sister ! WTF im thinking, whats bought this on, nothing i could say or do would change her mind, we had sex very infrequently after , mainly to try for a baby. once said baby was born , she obviously was tired most of the time and eventually moved into the spare room blaming tiredness and my snoring (i do snore, but not that bad) . that was around 10 years ago and is still there now. We may of had sex 6 or 7 times since, im never allowed the pleasure of oral sex either way ,sex is always at my request, but always with the feeling that she just wants me to come and finish.
i adore her and cant imagine life without her, but the thought of no sex or hardly any doesnt appeal to me at all.
so after being knocked back one time too many i visited a site where Escort girls advertised and agreed to meet one .
i have been discreetly seeing different ones for around 5 years, always take every precaution and making sure my wife does not catch anything.
im basically between a rock and a hard place, i need to have sex , my wife doesnt, we love each other , i dont want to leave her , she , i assume doesnt want us to split up . but i cant imagine life for another 30 yrs with out sexual contact. i kind of figure that paying for it off a prostitute is better than having an affair, which as i love my wife would be out of the question.
i would be glad if anyone out there could perhaps in someway give me some advice . oh and im not a woman hater , i adore female company more than male .

[LapisBlue]

OP,

I'm a brand new member on this Forum just today - long-time lurker but have never posted before and quite frankly, your post was the encouragement I needed to join. I have a number of observations:

1. As a man, you have posted on a Forum which is mainly frequented by women; women, it must be said, who for the most part champion gender equality and strive for happy relationships, IMHO.
   

1. As a man posting on said Forum, you are asking for "advice" on the fact that you are cheating on your wife, but...
   

1. You're not just cheating or having an affair - no indeedy, you are PAYING women to have sex with you.
   

1. The women from whom you purchase said sex, you refer to as "whores"
   

1. You would RATHER, apparently, have sex with your wife but appear to be driven to purchase sex from the above-mentioned "whores"
   

1. You claim to like women
   

1. You appear to be holding your wife responsible for all of the above - referenced in your original post.
   

1. You appear to have no guilt whatsoever at all at all and you seem not to see the use of prostitutes as wrong in any way shape or form
   

1. You are "latching on to" the posts on here which are in the smallest way supportive of you
   

10. WHAT THE f* ARE YOU DOING ON THIS FORUM?

Are you so arrogant and ignorant of the damage you are causing to your relationship that you think it's OK to post on Mumsnet - a Forum primarily aimed at women, about sleeping with prostitutes and genuinely expect advice?

[LapisBlue]

Or, have you been rumbled...OR are you really a wind up merchant? If it's the latter, you haven't been quite as good at it as you thought.

[aliasforthis2]

I have doubts this is real, or you probably wouldn't have used the sensationalist term "whores" in one of your posts.

However, on the chance that it is real then OP -

I think your marriage and lack of sex etc is actually a separate issue to your use of prostitutes.

I think you should take a long hard look at the following -

Prostitutes do NOT want to have sexual contact with you. I know a lot of men like to justify or keep the status quo going by deluding themselves into thinking that either she likes it, or doesn't mind it because of the money. I had a longish history of experience in the Sex Industry - I know and knew literally hundreds of prostitutes personally. I can hand on my heart say that NONE I've ever met (from the street to the very high class set-ups), actually ENJOY having sex with their clients, or being touched by them. I have never met one prostitute who did not have one or a mix of the following - 1) dire financial problems, 2) previous sexual abuse / rape, 3) addiction problems 4) pimps or traffickers. Of course they won't tell you this because they need your money and you wouldn't visit if they told you, but that is the reality right there, I can promise you.

So the question you should be asking yourself remains -

How can you bring yourself to have sex with someone whom you know does not want to have sex with you? Money does not negate the fact they don't want to have sex with you, you know.

You mentioned in one post that you have asked your wife if you could do it once a month even though you know she does not really want to, even if she grudgingly agreed. Again - how could you bring yourself to have sex with someone whom you know doesn't want to have sex with you?

You do not "need" sex to survive - you do not need sex so much that it justifies having sex with people who do not want you near them, knowingly contributing to the trauma of prostituted women, or possibly to trafficking, and to causing untold heartache and deceit to this person you "love".

Sex is very important to a lot of people, that is fair enough. The only fair way to fix things in a case like yours is either you and your wife work on your problems and it succeeds (bingo), celibacy and masturbation, or divorce. The solution is NOT deceiving your wife or using prostituted women who do not want to be there and are hating and enduring every minute (I can guarantee you that).

How do you feel about the above?

[MyLittleMiracles]

I don't hate you. Just think that you going to escorts for sex OS misguided, you need to get to the cause of your wife not wanting sex, and being with someone else is not going to improve it. Sorry it just won't. My ex needed more sex than me (he got some most days) but still used sex lines and it hurt like hell when I found out. It took what little sexual confidence I had left away. I now have that back but this is 6months after my marriage ended (for other reasons though)

You are misguided you don't want her hurt, but she deep down probably knows you get your needs from somewhere else. And that is probably killing her, and wrenching her guts to bits. I don't want to make you feel shit but just saying it the way it is.

[jake42]

thanks for everyones input.

[MaybeADHD]

It is a very difficult one, living like brother and sister is not a marriage if you ask me, I think the best thing to do would be to end the relationship with her and hopefuly remain friends, (that what you are anyway) and get on and meet someone lovely with whom you are compatible with. Good Luck

[LapisBlue]

And hopefully that someone lovely will be able to cope with, or accept the fact that you've been paying for sex from prostitutes. Good luck with that one. I wouldn't touch men like you with a bargepole. YUCK.

[RetroMom]

Houseofplain I asked a genuine question, I thought you may elaborate and not just "oh dear" me like some dotty auntie.

[NarkedPuffin]

What's that word for men who pay women for sex that's also used as a general insult to men?

[RetroMom]

whore monger

[LapisBlue]

Probably not printable on a public Forum, NarkedPuffin but no doubt our opinions of this guy's behaviour (if this post is genuine - still not sure - doubting the brass neck) will make no difference to his use of prostitutes because of his "need" for sex.

OP - are you going to tell you wife? What's that? No? Why not?

Does she still do all your washing, clean the house and cook your dinners? Oh...OK, then.

[NarkedPuffin]

An archaic term that's never used?

[RetroMom]

Is whore only an acceptable word to use if we have an equally harsh, modern day slur for a man who uses whores?

Why is whore still in the dictionary if no woman may be called a whore even if she is one? Or is that just a mumsnet thing?

[Abitwobblynow]

jake don't get disheartened, don't give up because you are being given a hard time.
I for one respect you asking for help. After all, that is what women say they want! I don't think you should be getting the flaming you are here.

Just take away the fact that you a making a mistake in your 'solution', because it is not addressing the core issue and for the reasons alias gives.

Find a counsellor, really. Once you have found your voice (and your backbone) you can approach your wife.

Good luck.

[QueenieLovesEels]

If your wife is not agreeable to counselling and is not willing to work on this issue then a solution might be an agreed open marriage. There are plenty of sites that have people who willing meet up for no strings sex. That way both parties are willing participants and your wife can be aware.

It's really strange this post. It seems to be written from the perspective of a woman who is possibly trying to rationalise the behaviour of partner?
Just a thought....

[jake42]

i can assure you im a man

[MaybeADHD]

what do you think Jake of just calling it a day with your dw? I know it sounds drastic but you're not fulfilled?

[NettleTea]

i see you still reading and replying, but not answering....

several people have asked you

1. what you think about your use of the prostitutes, after the enlightening posts above, most facts of which the majority of punters wouldnt really like to think about? (I mean, would it turn you on to see the reality - the evidence of drug use and abuse, the true face of repulsion and the handing over of most of the money to a greasy sleezeball)
   

2.what do you plan to do, from the many suggestions, in regards to your wife? (tell her/organise councilling/suggest an open marriage where all parties are at least open, honest and willing/divorce)

i suspect, if this is real, that the answers are 1. dont see/dont care and 2. nothing. all your domestic needs are being met, and you have the benefit of a child, and you pretend that everything is rosy in your wife's life so long as she doesnt become aware that you are stealing financially from the family and have been a lying scuzzy cheat for the last 5 years.

and as for men who use prostitutes not being randy - what do you call following the 'need' of your dick into those poor girls??? If thats not randy, what the hell is the definition

[Nyac]

Do you have a thing about having sex with women who don't want to have sex with you?

You say this about sex with your wife:

"thinking back even from our early days , i dont think sex was enjoyable for her"

And now you're having sex with prostituted women. You do know that most women in prostitution are desperate to get out, and are stuck because they have so few options, or are being pimped? Some of them even liken it to being raped.

I think your wife was absolutely right not to want sex with you as you appear to view women as holes to stick your penis into. Yuck.

[likeatonneofbricks]

it' s definitely worth trying psycho-sexual counselling. Gave her achoice of either that reasonable option, or an open marriage. If she sees sex as dirty then it's a very deep-rooted issue - I sympathise with OP!
Ironic isn't it that by seeing sex as dirty she pushes her husband into sex with escorts which IS dirty on many levels.

[likeatonneofbricks]

sorry, 'give her a choice'

[Thistledew]

She has not pushed him into anything. He is doing this behind her back of his own free choice.

She has not been the one looking at adverts and booking appointments, or applying any sort of coercion for him to do this. How on earth can it be possible to push someone into doing something that you know nothing about? This is purely and simply his decision.

Counselling may be worth doing if they both want to work on improving the relationship, but it only works if both parties are interested in being completely honest and open with each other. The OP is not. He has been dishonest to his DW for the last 5 years and seems to have no inclination towards honesty in the relationship.

[likeatonneofbricks]

come on, Thistle, she told him categoracally she doesn't want sex in their marriage, no discussion! hetried to talk to her, but she obviously sees sex as neccessarily evil to get married and start a family. SHE is not normal here, and the only error OP made is by not dealing with this issue when they strated dating. As I said, he can ask for an open marriage, I'n not condoning doing things behind her back, but it's up to her to choose to go to counselling. Let's just not say here that all wives are reasonable and never cause damage - this one is NOT reasonable. Unless she dioesn't mind him seeking sex out of marriage.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Thistle - I did say that she pushed him specifically into using escorts, it could have been affair, or affairs.

[Nyac]

The sooner the law is changed and people who pay for sex are treated as the criminals they are, the better.