to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

pictish.. yes very much so on days out and holidays.I stopped doing them for a while and he got better... I made it clear I wouldn't go anymore.
Now the biggest problem is special days at home like Mothers Day or birthdays and Christmas etc

So...he has put paid to your enjoyment of days out and holidays, to the point of you abandoning them alltogether, and now he's working on any enjoyment you might get from a special event in the house?

He sounds a peach.

What, exactly, do you see in this man?

scuzy, like I said I am sorry about your H's illness

but if I had made a conscious decision to tolerate verbal abuse from my husband, no matter what, the very least I would do is not attempt to bring others around to my damaged way of thinking in an effort to rationalise my own situation

he is seeking help and is trying to learn to control his outbursts. sorry OP dont mean to hijack.

i dont tolerate it ... well i guess i do if i am still with him. been like this for years now. sorry OP will leave you to your thread.

what else do i do? leave him? not an option.

As long as you think that leaving him is not an option, then you will be forced to find ways to accept unacceptable behaviour. And that usually means denial ("surely this is normal/not so bad"), and shifting blame that belongs to him for his own actions onto something else (his illness) or someone else (possibly you telling yourself "I drove him to it"). These are not healthy behaviours and they will do you a lot of harm, as they are all about suppressing your feelings and your needs.

The only thing that is in fact "not an option" is changing him. Only he has that power.

scuzy, you making it clear you will tolerate these outbursts and excusing them for him is not actually helping him to learn how to control them

IMO

so if he says he will harm himself if i go ... thats why its not an option. he is ill right now.

is verbally abusing you helpful to him ?

"ungrateful foul cow" is horrible - but it's the "actually" that really riles me.

Oh IS it actually? Actually he should probably fark oorf.

he tells me it is actually that it is build up anxiety.

Scuzy if he harms himself that's his own selfish inexcusable act and nothin to do with you. Please tell me you don't have DCs watching you accept this verbal abuse and control?

Anxiety is an excuse he is using to keep you there sorry.

As I said Scuzy I feel sad for you - sad that you think you have to accept that as being part of your life. It has quite clearly ground you down into feeling numb about it. It's like oh well he calls me a whiny cunt but that's okay cos he says sorry.
Your kids are learning how relationships work from you.
It is not ok, and should not be normalised as a part of life. Do you want your sons to behave this way? Do you want your daughters to accept being treated like that?
My guess is no.
You all deserve better.

He says he will harm himself if you go?

That would not be your fault he wouldn't have to do anything, if he doesn't want you to go he should stop being abusive towards you, it's not difficult.

Oh and my sister has anxiety disorder severely, verbal abuse is not a symptom.

Scuzy.Threatening to harm himself if you go is classic abusive behaviour.

have one ds, 3. we are both on anti ds he is on anxiety meds both see psych regularly he visits weekly. i feel totally trapped and was not expecting to be talking about this on here ... so am really sorry op.

What AF said at 22.39 (and all the way through this thread).

I can't imagine living with a man who would be that hurtful/disrespectful - after 22 years, we've never used names/spite in an argument.

OP -sorry your birthday was spoiled. Your comment about him being good at turning things round is sad, it's clear this is standard stuff.

Scuzy have you told your psych? You need RL help.

I don't believe him, scuzy

you may choose to

my father verbally abused my mother all through my childhood

it was undiagnosed, but he has some sort of mental ill-health, probably what used to be called manic depression < out-of-date arm chair psychiatrist >

my mother tolerated it, and still does, 40+ years later

it did her children, herself, and him no good at all

but ... and here is where i am embarrassed ... i feel i caused all this even though psych says i didnt. i had an emotional affair years ago.

This isn't because of his illness. This is seperate. Have you spoken to your psych about it at all?

numerous times softlysoftly

so if he says he will harm himself if i go ...

That is emotional blackmail. A threat. You do realise that?

If ever he does harm himself, it will be his choice. His action. His responsibility. Not yours.

You can control neither his actions nor his illness. No-one, not even you, has the power to make another person do anything.