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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

333 replies

seenitallbefore2012 · 16/05/2012 20:51

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."
Hmm
because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

OP posts:
WithACherryOnTop · 16/05/2012 23:21

It sounds like you need to talk about it,Scuzy. You're in an abusive relationship. Yes he has problems,but that's no excuse for treating you like this. I have depression myself. It doesn't make me verbally abuse my partner or guilt trip and terrify them by threatening to self harm.

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:21

Bat they know it all. they have told him i need to support him. i have expressed my desire to leave and the arguments and verbal abuse but was basically advised not to antagonise him.

undercoverPrincess · 16/05/2012 23:21

I agree, H once bought me Roses for Mother's day when I don't even like choc..... He hasn't done it again :o

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:22

HotDamn but i dont want ds to grow up without a dad .... god can feel the tears starting.

Softlysoftly · 16/05/2012 23:22

And that's where he can hang his justification over you and why you guiltily relinquish control. Ever asked yourself why you felt the need for an emotional affair?

Tbh even if you feel it's your fault (it's not) this isn't healthy you would be doing the right thing for you, him and most imp your DC to take a break.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2012 23:22

ah, scuzy, I think I recognise your situation (from here)

you have posted before (no harm in that, btw)

I am very sorry you are still living in this awful relationship (if I have recognised you corrrectly)

Original poster
seenitallbefore2012 · 16/05/2012 23:23

I think if he weren't so good at turning things around, and improving then starting it up again, I would have sorted this out before now.

OP posts:
ABatInBunkFive · 16/05/2012 23:23

This isn't your fault nor is it the OPs.

Whatever you did in the past does not mean you deserve this.

pictish · 16/05/2012 23:23

Scuzy there's room for everyone on this thread. We will advise OP too.

Him threatening to harm himself if you leave is abysmal behaviour. He is bullying you, manipulating you, and pretty much making you obliged to live with his abuse.

He is making you take responsibility for his emotional wellbeing and that is emotional abuse.
You need to do some reading up on that.

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:24

yes AnyFucker only way i can talk about it, on here, annonymous cos no one in RL knows. am fine most days then gets right on top of me.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2012 23:25

once my mother broke free and lived along for a while

she even had a little love affair with a man who showed genuine interest in her as a woman, oh how we cheered

unfortunately, she went right back to the control and abuse, and there she stayed

AnyFucker · 16/05/2012 23:25

alone

AnyFucker · 16/05/2012 23:26

I think my father bought her a puppy or something < sigh >

ABatInBunkFive · 16/05/2012 23:26

Would you rather your ds grow up thinking this is normal? Would you want him to behave in the same way as your dp?

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:27

i feel like shit on his shoe, unloved, unattractive, trapped yet i love him and as he says if he had cancer i'd be more understanding.

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:27

Bat ... no ... i dont.

WithACherryOnTop · 16/05/2012 23:27

Get a new psych please Scuzy.Your psych is an idiot,and a harmful one at that. This isn't your fault.How dare they suggest it is,and that you should put up with it?

And it isn't healthy for your ds to grow up in such an eviroment.It isn't right for him to see you being abused like this,and even if he doesn't directly see it he'll feel it. And it isn't right for you to be treated like this. It's not your fault.You don't deserve it,and it's not part of his illness. He's choosing to do this.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/05/2012 23:27

Bat they know it all. they have told him i need to support him. i have expressed my desire to leave and the arguments and verbal abuse but was basically advised not to antagonise him.

If that is in fact what they said, then I am stunned they have professional accreditation.

Could it be that they were in fact preparing you to accept his harming himself as a potential consequence of you leaving?

I ask this because when I was expressing my desire to leave my abusive and self-harm-threatening exH, that is what the psych team did. And at the time, I did experience it as an instruction to stay, even though it was not, because I still believed I could somehow manage his behaviour, and felt responsible for it, etc... all the typical co-dependent reactions. (I did leave and he did himself no harm, btw)

AnyFucker · 16/05/2012 23:28

I am sorry, scuzy, I have no wish to out you, or badger you x

it's your sad situation that rung a bell

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:28

but i've been told its not his choice. he says he doesnt want to be like this.

Softlysoftly · 16/05/2012 23:28

Shock your psych told you not to antagonise him??? You told them you need to leave they said stay?! They said this to you not him relaying?

Fuck you need a new independent psych call womens aid or your gp.

Op sorry but if this isn't a one off a long hard look is required, he's a selfish childish shit at the very least.

WithACherryOnTop · 16/05/2012 23:28

And that goes for you too,Seenitall.Whatever excuses he makes for treating you like shit,they aren't valid. It isn't your fault,and you don't deserve it.

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:29

but on the other hand its all i know i dont want to leave. god i sound so whiny. i

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/05/2012 23:29

Seenit

It is classic abusive behaviour for there to be a cycle of good behaviour lapsing into bad.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Lets face it, if it was bloody awful all the time then you would just leave.

scuzy · 16/05/2012 23:30

no worries AnyFucker x