to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

OP
This may or may not be relevant - see what you think
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

yes her dp is an ass and she doesnt deserve this and apparently talking it out has not worked ... what now?

what bravado talk?

My father was like this all throughout my childhood. Many, many special occasions were ruined by him, especially all mother's days. . He has not changed; in fact, he's got a bit worse as now my DM has to look after him. She should have left him years ago. He was not interested in us children, nor his own grandchildren. He always comes/came over as the life and soul of the party, but behind closed doors it was very different.

Please, for your DC's sakes, if not your own, please have a really good think about the relationship you have with this man. You have said that he has form for this.

It's not your fault. He's built like this and probably doesn't want to change. I know my father didn't/doesn't. it ended up with him being very obnoxious to my DS and my DH. It's only cos of DM that we have any contact with him at all (but she is a bit emotionally blackmailing if I'm really honest with myself). I don't know the whole story, but it has coloured my and my siblings' lives (and not in a good way).

I don't often write on relationship threads and I never say, leave, but please consider your options very seriously if you do not want your DC to have a tainted childhood. They will know what is going on, even if you think they can't hear you.

if my husband called me a cunt, I would tell him I didn't want to live with someone who respected me so little

I have never called him names like that, so don't expect it from him

he would know he had crossed a line (as would I)

scuzy if this was a one off anomaly then, if it was my DH, I would let the hurt feelings subside (probably after having a strop) and then have a proper chat and explain why I was upset and talk about how he could make it up to me.

If its a repeated pattern of behaviour then a cold hard look at the whole relationship might be more appropriate.

thanks Chaz that was an interesting blog. and yes an honest reply. thats why i want to know if it has happened before if it happens everyday

If my DP had spoken to me like that, he would be pulling his head out from up his arse. He can't have much respect for you to belittle you in such a way. Absolutely disgusting.

YANBU.

titfortat.. to me or scuzy?

Oh, and in answer to what I would actually do, considering I can't actually physically shove his head up his arse, I would make sure he wished I could. I don't speak to him like that, and I expect the same sort of respect. Belittling is NOT showing respect, or affection. It is despicable behaviour.

seenitall, to you.

Judge Judy.. thanks for your comment
I agree with you
Because I feel upset when he is such an idiot, I then find my evening is ruined like tonight, then, like tonight, I am the one being accused of being moody... I am just shocked and upset, but he is very good at turning things around.
I agree the dc childhoods are being tarnished, by him behaving with lack of respect for me.. they will copy and to some extent they sometimes take his side
Did that happen in your house?

OP - this is not your fault, no. He has sabotaged your birthday.

Scuzy - your dh called you a whiney cunt, did he?
I'm no Boden mum, and am totally au fait with swearing and all things pertaining to....but I feel sorry for you. I think it's very sad that you find that acceptable.

scuzy, it isn't just about the name calling. But the fact when her child asked if she wanted cake, on her birthday, he replied a very nasty snide remark.

That is called emotional abuse in my books. Being a twat is one thing, but using something like the OP's OH did is simply unforgiving in my books.

Seenit that turning it around is not a surprise hence my post on gaslighting. I was going to ask you if you feel he respects you but you have answered the question yourself.

Has he always been like this?

yes he did. and it hurt. but i guess my situation is different he has severe depression and anxiety so to help him through and keep our family together i have to just get over these things. he mostly does apologise for saying them.

JJ.. why would someone ruin christmases and birthdays.. my dh is exactly the same ..I can never work out if it is stress or what

Scuzy - I hate to break it to you, but most people who suffer from depression and anxiety don't verbally abuse their spouses. It's not like it's part of his illness. He talks to you like that because he wants to and feels justified in doing so. Don't kid yourself.

OP - does he often sabotage things like days out or holidays for example - and then make out like you created the problem?

scuzy, I am sorry your H is ill, but it doesn't mean you should tolerate name calling

our H should find another way to express his frutration, not take it out on you

that is unfair, and I am sorry you seem to think it is your due if you want to support him

your H

what else do i do? leave him? not an option.

Stress does not give him the excuse to treat you that way.

Nor does depression or anxiety scuzy

It may explain a few things, but it is still abuse in one form or the other and they should either be seriously seeking help and workingtheir butts off to fix it, or packing their bags if they think it is acceptable and that they don't have a problem.

"i have to just get over these things. he mostly does apologise for saying them."

So it's habitual is it?
Sorry amounts to nothing if he does it again and again. It's just the word he uses to smooth things over and have you accept his disrespectful behaviour.
Which it seems you do.

You should think more of yourself.

an apology after the fact (when he keeps repeating the behaviour) is not good enough

seenit
Its not stress, its selfishness and self centredness. How does someone accidently ruin every birthday and christmas because they are stressed? He knows full well what he is doing.

I wouldn't be surprised to hear you all tip toe around on eggshells on his big days trying to keep it all special and nice to avoid him melting down and accusing everyone of ruining his birthday etc.