to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

OP, you keep trying to convince you have done right by your dc

we believe you

we always did believe you x

seenit are you going to make the step to leave him?

convince *us

Indeed. You are a very wise woman despite your self-doubt. It's hard to break from shackles but people do it every day. Good luck.

AF , Thankyou sooooo much x

scuzy ..yes.
I am scared to tell him and will have to choose the time.. I don't think he will be dangerous or anything, just scathing and difficult and it will be very uncomfortable.

well best of luck to you, i mean that. you are stronger than me xx

Seenitall I have been watching this thread and honestly wondered f you were my sister but am pretty sure your not. The reason I see this is because that's the sort of thing her dh would do. The impact on my beautiful Dns is so sad to see the eldest has major ange rmgt issues at 13 yo, disengaging from school and generally unhappy. Youngest is virtually silent and obsessed with football which he completely absorbs himself in too please his dad.

seenit you know we can't do it for you

and we can't decide for you

you have to do it for yourself, and for your kids

and if you think you can't do it yet that's ok too

but keep posting, always keep posting x

Well, flame away everyone, but I've read the OP's posts on this thread and it seems to me like you've got a bee in your bonnet about leaving.

It sounds VERY much to me as if you want to leave anyway, for whatever reason, and you've made a spectactularly massive mountain out of a molehill about your birthday being spoiled.

Seriously, you WERE ungrateful, your husband lost his rag, he tried to make it up to you the next day and you have given him the childish silent treatment.

If you want to leave your husband, go ahead, but don't pretend that getting you chocolates on your birthday when you asked him not to is a big deal ffs.

ah well, COBJ, I have seen you post apologist shit on other threads, so no flaming here

it just makes me think you are happy to accept some awful shit in your own relationship, and have an agenda in convincing others it's ok to do the same

HA! I have an agenda!? I'm rofl here....

cup if you read the thread properly you will see the treatment on her bday is the straw that broke the camel's back there are ongoing issues.

Perhaps it's a case of "the straw that broke the camels back" Cup?

Sometimes it takes just one thing happening to make you realise how unhappy you are.

yes, it's highly amusing isn't it, cup ?

getting the chocolates wasn't the main problem it was just when I WAs ungrateful and said I didn't see why he got them as I had said I didn't want any he shouted at me and called me a cow

Roles reversed I would have said.. oh yeah I guess I got them without thinking/ was in a rush etc sorry..der

I don't usually challenge him much certainly over trivial things, and it was eye opening to see his response... angry and obnoxious, revealing his true feelings towards me.

I agree I was ungrateful. I agree I had zero tolerance for spoiling my birthday.. I have done a birthday tea for 20 odd years for every member of the family and never have we missed the cake and candles before this week. It wasn't about me you see, it was all about him.

That's the thing isn't it seen?

DP would be horrified at the thought of spoiling my birthday and if I pointed out he was doing so would apologise at the very least and check his attitude.

It's not much to ask someone put your feelings first every once in a while, Infact that is normal. It's not wrong to expect that he respects your (very valid!) feelings. The fact that it was your birthday just highlighted what you already suspected.

There is no "right time" to realise you are in an unhappy marriage, That's ridiculous. What matters is what you do now you know.

I think, if he had said to me "Why did you get chocs for my birthday since you know I am on a diet?" I might have said above or I might have said "Fine, don't have them then!"
Fair enough really
But I wouldn't have said what he said, in the horrible shouting way he said it, ever, and then followed it up with eating all the food I bought and more snide comments.

It shows how he responds when he is challenged, when I myself admittedly wasn't being particularly nice he went much further as a payback.

Cup your reaction, on one level, could be seen to be exactly the response the abusers enginer. A single incident seems quite trivial so surely the victim is overreacting etc. But you need to look at the context, if it is part of a continual campaign of insults, disrespect and undermining then the response of the victim is reasonable and proportionate.

seenit - This is from the Lundy Bancroft book
"The abuser's problems is nto that he responds inappropriately to conflict. His abusiveness is operating prior to the conflict. It usually creats the conflict and determines the shape the conflict takes."

In other words your DH's overall behaviour pattern sets up these conflict situations rather than them arising out of nowhere.

He describes the victim of one of these conflict moments with an abuser as
follows
"Bea is now left miserable - feeling like a scratching post a cat has just sharpened its claws on."

Sound familiar?

Sending a big hug, having read this thread.

You will need to start detaching yourself from him, so that you can are what he is doing and respond effectively.

Make it very clear that he is undermining you as a parent, while he should be backing you up.
Calmly point out why your rules benefit the children and are not for your pleasure, and how dad's permissiveness may actually be harming them.

Well it seems my acting skills aren't that great becos my eldest has said everyone has not been themselves over the weekend. I have arranged to visit him with my youngest so we can have a stress free lunch and a bit of fun together.

How're you doing, seenitall?

Hello all who kindly posted to help me with this.
I only just saw your enquiry tallwiv.. as it happens not so good.

I haven't taken any action since posting, everything settled down and was ok and went back to normal.

Until tonight.

We planned to watch the rugby. I and dh both asked ds to set it up from the skyplus.At first ds made a mistake and it went off channel.. Dh said "you don't know how to do it let me do it". I said he can do it let him try. Ds then did it but it was on the pre match chat bit and dh got cross and said fforward it, you don't know how to do it give it to me and snatched the remote from ds out of his hand.
I thought this was totally unfair as he had done exactly as asked and dh was just being impatient and angry for no reason.

The dh and dd both said I was allowing ds to "be in charge" and spoiling him... which I don;t do at all.

So, I don't know what other families are like.I don't know if those who posted saying I was the one being unreasonable are right and whether I favour ds over dh and am the one imbalanced.

I don't know because dd tends to take dh side even though tonight she only came in at the end.

But I don't think dh has any right to snatch and shout even if he felt that ds should give him the remote... what sort of example is that?

Hi there
We have moved this to relationships
Thanks
MNHQ

thankyou :)

.