to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

He knew all along, yet never challenged you? Just watched, waited and has used it against you ever since. You yearned attention. There was an issue in your relationship already, no wallowing in attention from another was wrong but it wasn't unprompted in a perfect relationship and it sure as shit doesn't justify abuse of any kind.

Plus if he's that damaged by it he's turned into something so twisted and bitter staying together will only make things worse.

he said he hoped i would stop it myself instead of being caught out.

that is too much pressure on a little boy, scuzy, really it is

you would be better to say "he is my reason for leaving "

A psych whom you see for 10 minutes is less harmful than one who sits for half an hour or more and tells you that you ought to walk on eggshells around your partner,and that it's your fault if he kicks off,but perhaps you need to ask for a new psych other than those two,but you certainly shouldn't see the latter again.In his own way he's as dangerous and destructive as your partner.

am upduffed so only virtual wine for me sadly. Your DS would want mummy and daddy to be happy, that sounds more likely apart. Even if you can't feel the anger to leave try to do it for love instead love of your DS and love of your DH who isn't being "made better" by your accepting his twisted threats and behaviour.

Oh and see your gp don't accept the ten minutes then drug you up approach or even your health visitor they may listen.

I have to go to bed now, early start

take care seenit and scuzy

like I said, you know where we are x

Seenit and Scuzy I am off to bed now but I wish you both a happy birthday and hope this upcoming year sees things move in a more positive direction.

AF your last post has made me think. guys thanks so much am absolutely wrecked am going to go to bed. OP sorry again and I'm sorry for the bitchy comments at the beginning of this thread (esp to you Bat). will be mulling all this over in my head. again, a sincere thank you for letting me vent and giving me something to think about ... as i said no one in RL knows nor can i talk about it so it helped xx

Me too sorry, pm is always there though!

And your son should be an incentive to leave,not to stay. Living in that sort of enviroment is far worse than having one's parents separate. It will improve your life and his immense,ly.

chaz and I are not off to bed together, btw

Take care Scuzy,and Seenit.And know there'll always be someone here to listen.

Maybe leaving him scuzy would make him change. It would only be that, I think, that would be the tell tale sign. If he loves you, he would fight for you and sort his act out. If not, then you can leave him to his sad sorry, manipulative, abusing ways and live a happy life. Carrying on the way you are, is not going to force him to change his ways.

I agree. Your child should be the reason you leave.

wtaf

Scuzy, listen: having an affair is not a crime. It's perfectly understandable when your existing partner is a shit, as well. Please ignore any crap about how only wicked people have affairs. Maybe sometimes people who breach monogamy are acting a bit selfishly at the time BUT it's still not a crime. It's not illegal, nor is it ANYTHING LIKE AS BAD as abusing a partner for years and years.

Thing is, if two people are in an agreed monogamous relationship and one of them breaches the agreed boundaries of monogamy, OK, boohoo, it's a bit sad for the other one. But tough shit, no one dies of it.

HOWEVER that sad other one has two options: work through the issue or walk away. If the hurt partner chooses to stay in the relationship while spending years punishing the other partner by means of physical or verbal abuse, suicide threats, snooping, never letting it go then that 'hurt' partner is a shit who deserves to be cheated on and dumped (and you probably only went anywhere near anyone else because the partner was an abusive shitbag in the first place) and has NO RIGHT AT ALL to any moral high ground.

And (given that this thread is still in AIBU) anyone coming on here whining about the horrors of infidelity - if you are hurt by a partner's infidelity, that's sad. It may well be true that you weren't a bad person and didn't deserve it. BUT your options are: end the relationship and walk away with as much dignity as possible or (and this may take a while and involve counsellors though you have to put in the effort and the goodwill) aim to forgive and be happy again. However, if you react with violence, stalking, suicide threats, criminal damage, public humiliation etc, then you probably were an unstable controlling fuckhead and you probably did deserve it.

Hear hear solid !

scuzy Happy Birthday be kind to yourself today. X

I have to say that it is a little bit trivialising to say that if your partner has an affair that it is just 'a bit sad'. It can be bloody devastating.

But having said that I totally agree with SGB.

My dh had an affair (which is why I object to the 'a bit sad' comment) but when I chose to recommit to our relationship I did just that. If your partner is still so angry he wants to grind you down then he should have got out. There is no excuse for abusing you, angry, unwell or otherwise, and I agree it is a hell of a lot more shitty to abuse someone for years than to get a little bit emotionally intimate with a co worker. And even if it was acceptable it's no way to live for anyone, and absolutely unacceptable to create such a toxic atmosphere for your children to grow up in. I also think it's important to be able to look back, accept that you made a mistake (although in this case the mistake might have been not to leave a long time ago), forgive your self (we all make mistakes) and move on.

Seenit You asked upthread if my father's behaviour had any impact on the children. Yes, it did. Two of my DB's don't really get on. That is partly down to the fact that father very often deliberately undermined DM. Also, one of my DB's has recently told DM that he blames her for his horrid childhood and that she should have left father years previously. Also, unfairly imo, other family members from the wider family told her she should have left. That's from today's perspective, though, not from the perspective of the 60s.

So, you can see, behaviour like your husband's has long-lasting repercussions that maybe will not come out for decades. When I look back on my childhood I can see many occasions where my father expected my DM to "get over" whatever he had done and play happy families. I know that she was suicidal at some points. Please don't get to that position.

I might be being a bit thick here, but can somebody explain to me the difference between 'having an emotional affair' and 'having a close friend of the opposite sex'?

I think the difference is confiding in someone and sharing hopes, dreams and fears - the kind of conversation you'd normally only have with a dh/dp. Really opening up and being honest. That's just my view on it.

the difference is whether or not they fall in love IMO

I wondered about that too, IMO having an emotional affair is everything bar the sex. I wondered who had decided that scuzy had an affair, because sometimes a part of emotional abuse is making it so that your partner has no friends or confidants. Having a friend that you confide in who happens to be of the opposite sex isn't (or shouldn't) be a problem, so long as the investment isn't detracting from a healthy relationship with your partner.

That's kind of my thinking too, nooka, 'affair' is a very loaded word with a lot of baggage... to use it about just talking to another person sits a bit oddly, doesn't it?