to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor. They are the ones who can properly advise you on how to go about this.

And fuck what anyone else thinks. Tell them to marry him and stay married to him before making a judgement.

OP and scuzy my ex-dp and father of my 2 dds verbally abused me and called me names. The most recent were bastard and bloodsucker. That's why he is now my ex. I just decided I couldn't have any self-respect if I was putting up with that and I couldn't have my dds listening to that. He used to ruin special days and holidays too. He has threatened to kill himself too. His life is his own responsibility and if he ended it it certainly wouldn't be my fault and it wouldn't be yours either scuzy.

How to end it OP? If you wish to end it, KNOW that what you are doing is right for your dc and you and do not feel obliged to give explanations or try to persuade anyone, especially him, of that fact. He is v v likely not going to say "Oh you're right, you have explained it to me now, I agree". Do not engage or enter into arguments about it. DO NOT try to convince him to see your point of view. It doesn't matter how it looks to anyone else or what anyone else thinks. You don't need to convince anyone. You are NOT a madwoman and refuse to listen to anyone who tells you you are. If he sees you as his competitor you're the enemy and his goal will never be to come to an agreement with you and live in harmony, but rather to win and for you to lose. It's sad, but some people are like that.

I would really recommend this

Access all the professional help you can to get rid of this revolting man. And if anyone eg friends or family tries to challenge you for ending the marriage just say, 'He was a dick and I deserve better'.
And while you are making your preparations to leave, be nice but disengaged, however, keep your mobile on you and fully charged. This man is your enemy and it is unfortunately very common for mentally abusive men to escalate to physical abuse if they suspect they might be about to lose control of you.

I would be honest with the dc. Say you don't love daddy any more, and he doesn't love you and his behaviour makes you unhappy.
Please see a solicitor asap - you deserve better and so do your dc.

In relation to the presents, I wouldn't worry too much how it looks to others because whatever you do he is going to present himself as a victim and martyr because that's the type of self centred git he is.

Stop worrying about what he thinks and what other people think. Nobody else is living your life and nobody else knows what it really feels like to put up with this sort of abusive behaviour day in and day out.

With the children, I would be honest and say I really don't like it when Dad is rude to me and is trying to make you take sides. Remind them that you are a equal part of the family and it is not for anyone else to suggest that your feelings are less important and can be ignored or trampled on. "Jokes" and "quips" that leave the target of those comments feeling upset or humiliated are not a bit of fun they are playground bullying. Your kids will have probably done several anti-bullying weeks in school and if you can get them to see that this sort of behaviour is just like school bullying, ganging up etc they may well look at it in a new light.

They seem to take his side sometimes certainly.
Today I was met at my car again by ds,10 saying something along the lines of "It was a bit rude of you not to open dads presents "
I am scared they will blame me for having to split the house and the general upset separating will mean. It will be like this week but amplified, so maybe ds won't want to live with me? He will say... its a shame you are mean to dad and won't let him live here?
But really, I can't leave it any longer.. I am sure people have arguments and get cross with each other but they don't call names like that... Imagine if that happened at work, it would be outrageous.
Why did he say that to me..?

seenit-this man is training your children to take his side, and using them in his campaign against you.
This thread is really distressing.
I was in an abusive relationship years ago (emotional, and later physical) and it is so hard when you are in it to see the wood for the trees.
The whole process is so insiduous.

Bottom line is: You are supposed to be partners. On the same side.
Even if this were NOT an abusive relationship, it isn't a good one, is it?

You need to forget for the moment whether your kids will blame you or not, and think about your, and their, long term well being.

Don't engage with your husband when it comes to fights. Just start imagining yourself in a better situation, one where you don't have to tiptoe around someone who calls you names, and one where you are allowed to have birthdays and days out without fearing something will kick off.

If it helps you both I can tell you about life 8 years on.

I left a VA and EA relationship when my DS was 2. XH knew how to ruin special occasions. Just as a taste, I asked him to leave in September, he chose to leave the house on mothers' day with a "I don't know when I'll see you again son, or where, your mum wants me to go" (he had a flat I found, kitted out and cleaned for him and we'd agreed that the next night DS would have a sleep over, oh and he was 2 FFS and only just understood that horses eated grass ).

My DS is now 10. On Friday he said to me he was glad we, his Dad and I, lived in different houses. When I asked why. He said "because when I'm with you I can relax and no-one shouts about things that aren't important". And there in lies the thing. I left for my boy so it could be normal just for part of his life. I wish it could be normal all his life but that I can't change the time he has with his Dad.

I am happy, I no longer have arguments with anyone. I have a new DS, a much beloved husband who would pass the AF test. And 2 lovely DSS. I am free.

OP you need to find a way to defend the EA your children are experiencing and explain the situation and your behaviour. And the other lady on the thread, sorry I can't remember your NN, your DS will still have 2 parents but one of them will be able to create a normal environment if you do what you should.

I have been thinking.
The trouble is, I feel trapped and unhappy, out of sorts.
I feel nothing moves forwards and problems continue, nothing is dh responsibility and fault, so its all mine.

This means I can't tell if I am being grumpy and unreasonable trggering the tension and unhappiness in the home myself, or if I am responding to the unreasonableness and unsatisfactoriness of dh treatment of me.
Because he is happy as Jack, I am unhappy as sin.

The children since my birthday[one is 18] think I am being unreasonable and being mean to dad..? Am I ? I have explained he was rude to me and I am not engaging until he apologises.

I have not taken the final step. I don't know if I can I don't now if I should try harder to make everything alright and smooth things over... but that's not working is it.

No one can give me perspective because no one is here from outside the house

I recently asked my SIL if she thought dh was rude to me in public and she aid ahe hadn't noticed but thought it was "just the way he is"

You see if it is my fault for being difficult, then I need to try harder to be more co operative and keep the peace.

I wonder how your children will feel when he wrecks Xmas again? Have they ever had a Xmas or birthday that he hasnt spoilt?

Kids have a notoriously short memory for such things, and also they want a happy house so they will focus on the person who is (in their view) being difficult. Daddy gave presents, you didnt want them therefore you are being difficult. They lack the emotional maturity to see that there is far more to it than that, they see the black and white, not the grey.

From what I have read, I dont think that it is your fault. If this birthday had been a one off then yes, you would be unreasonable, but it isnt. He does this so often that you have had to change the way you celebrate and have to actively avoid seeing people at certain times because he kicks off.

That isnt normal. It really isnt. And unless he can accept that and get help with it then you are pissing in the wind with trying to change anything.

You must do whatever you think will make you happy. Once the children realise that a birthday can just be a happy day and not one with tantrums from a grown man, they will soon change their minds.

I am struggling a little today.
The dc think they are in charge now and that IABU. for eg
I told ds not to do penalties by the greenhouse and when dh came back he regaled dh with the story of what "she" said.

He has won .they are on his side and excluding me and I can't get any time alone witht them to correct the balance, because he is always there, over riding and domineering me.
It's not helping I feel v down since wed my bday and can't shake it off.
This always happens.. he is difficult to me, then, when he has put me in my place and gained favour with dc, he is laughing and joking I am despairing and sad and grumpy.

I have to end this this is awful.beyond awful.

OP Do the DCs ever see you interact normally with any other adults?
What I mean is, they only see you when you are at a disadvantage. They are not seeing the good side of you (I am sure there is one!)
Without him undermining you might be in a better position to build good relationships with the DCs.

Its not that I am not a good parent and person ...I am and have excellent skills...the dc think v highly of me ... I am an excellent parent and the dc know this.

I can't function while being dominated by dh put down, called names and put in the wrong.

He is trying to gain the advantage basically, ..there is , honestly nothing wrong with me but for being stuck with this idiot who self promotes at my expense.

If you were my friend in RL, I would be advising you to end this sooner rather than later, before your dc learn more damaging lessons about how people who are supposed to love each other can get away with acting

your husband is a disgrace, love

never mind what anyone else, nor him, says

they don't have to live in your unhappy situation

nobody needs stay in an unhappy relationship...who cares who starts it/who shuld try harder ? It seems it is way past that point now and you are both stuck in a very damaging vicious circle

one of you has to break it...and I doubt that he will while you stick around to be his personal whipping boy

I am not being difficult to dc.I feel fed up or did earlier today.

I don't know what to do as I am stuck.. I don't want to argue in front of the dc, so I can't have my say.
I have told dh in private it is unacceptable he disagrees and thinks I am finding fault with him unnecessarily.

No apologies from him, for anything, ever.

Why would I open a present left on the table the day after he called me a cow and didn't wish me happy birthday and didn't do the cake... without apology... if I opened the present, I am saying to the whole family, its ok ,I can be treated like sh*t and we carry on as normal..Look I even say thankyou for the present!! Isn't dad kind?!

I agree, there is no alternative.. how can I carry on trying to work as a team with someone who disregards me .

My concerns apart from the above, are mainly that he won't discipline the dc or back me up.. I then end up feeling like the bad cop and hence my post about feeling they are all on his side... he is playing good cop withe lemonade and the late night football and sweets and not ever having to do things you don't want to like eat dinner before pudding etc.

Its exasperating.

He basically thinks he knows better and wants his own way, so my opinion is second best.. even tho I am actually nearly always right and he has the common sense of a ladybird.

So much to say.

So much spoilt.

OP, try being the good cop for a week. Let it go. See how the kids respond when you allow them to behave as dh does.
I would also advise you to end this marriage, you deserve a better life than the one you describe.

Yes ok I have to end this marriage.

I can't function properly being put down and dominated and treated badly. It won't get better.. well it might but it will get worse again.

I've come a bit late to this thread but I can imagine how you feel - the frustration of never being able to get your point across and never being seen as right even when you are is horrible. I have a father like your DH. Never wrong, never apologies unless it is to say 'sorry but you made me do it' which is no apology at all.

I was wondering it is were possible for you to go away for a few days? Leave the DC and him to sort themselves out - he would have to take responsibility or they will suffer. I doubt whether your H could keep up the front of being the victim. I predict that he turns on your children if you aren't there and they might not feel so inclined to be on his 'side'. Besides you sound like you need a bit of space and time to think and plan what you want to do.

A bit late now but I reckon these men like to spoil other people's special days because they can't bear for it not to be about them. They are so self centred that even somebody else's birthday is not reason enough to think about other people and put them first. If it is anybody else's special day in our family the first thing that comes out of my father's mouth is 'what have you got me?'. Your H sounds very similar. I wish my mother had left him years ago - don't make the same mistake.

Just want to clarify.. have not done anything wrong to dc, have only been fed up since wed, only time bad things have been said... I just felt I couldn't open a present which was given in malice.
I am not the bad cop, but feel I am sometimes put into that role by him.
I opened dc presents and cards normally, on the day.

what a tosser

I think it was just the realisation that out of the blue, he would be nasty and spoil my birthday and call me that ON MY BIRTHDAY of all days

I found it incredible.

And with that realisation came the acknowledgement that I can't put up with it and he had, in effect spoilt the whole week .. the most special week we have in our family..and spoiled the atmosphere for my sons birthday which I will NEVER forgive

Even tho, I gave my son the best birthday and there were no arguments, but I am probably not my usually very happy and jokey self

Big... you have absolutely nailed it
It is truly pathetic and not something I can "fix"
I have tried

The kids are not really on his side..I know that really, despite him spoiling them to curry favour
it is awkward staying married becos if he does something daft it looks as tho I agree with it when of course I don't....

HUGE THANKS TO YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, it means so much to have it x

Its up to me now to do what I need to do wrt separation.

Jesus. Leave him. Poor you. Your poor kids