to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

so fast forward to today... am met at my car by my 10 yr old saying "mum dad has presents for u since u didn't want them yesterday... dad says he tried to give them yesterday but u didn't want them... why were u so highly strung yesterday mum?"

I say I am glad to have anything the dc have personally got for me but don't want anything from dad as he spectacularly spoilt my birthday yesterday and it was no longer my birthday today.

it doesn't matter what he got you today, seenit

he could buy you a diamond necklace and it wouldn't make up for his cruelty towards you

I know but thanks for confirming that in my mind.
I gather my 10 yr old was paraphrasing what had been fed to him moments before in the kitchen by dh.

of course

no 10yo uses the term "highyly strung" off their own bat

tut

well hopefully the fact that I refused to engage and accept the presents..which were left on the table and announced by dd.. [dh always does this, he doesn;t give them personally and they are never from a specific person... and sometimes he takes them back].. means the dc realise it is not acceptable to be rude and mean to someone on their b/day and then pretend it never happened or blame that person./
Its a shame becos it is also my eldest sons b/day tomorrow

show your son what a real birthday, with presents freely given with love, should be like x

Has he actually had anything to say for himself to you today?

and I don't mean expensive gifts, I mean those that are given with no agenda, no snice comment, no expectation of unending gratitude

snide not snice

yes but unfortunately we r all supposed to be going out for a meal together.. I have not spoken to dh today

in that case, I would be civil to your H

but make it clear privately you are not happy with the way he treats you

I wouldn't keep the "not talking" going in front of the dc, tbh

I don't blame you.

If it was me then tomorrow, I would still go to the meal, pretend everything is fine, give my DS as good as you can birthday, and then deal with him on the night whilst they are in bed. Or, if you can't trust that he will be rational, get the DC over at Nans or their Aunties or Uncles. You can not carry on this way.

Neither would I. Your kids want to see you open your presents. Your dh is exploiting that fact, you know he is, but you have to be content with being whiter than white, so that when the shit hits the fan, you can look back with confidence and say 'it's not fucking me'.

Wow so now he is putting words in your DCs mouths against you, how fucking cruel is that to them.

Thing is though AnyFucker, going by the fact he seems an unreasonable git, if she did make it known privately, then he may be the one to make it known in front of the kids that something is wrong. It is his behaviour I am concerned about. He already seems like he is happy to use the kids as a weapon against OP.

too true, titfortat, but I wouldn't lower myself to his level

keep the kids out of it

but then I wouldn't have him even living there with my kids and me, if this was a regular occurrence

it isn;t to be recommended

it fucks kids up to see their mother being treated like a second class citizen

he takes presents back? lordy OP, he is horrible

I agree AnyFucker, but unfortunately, the OP and the kids are still living with him, and although I feel she should of left ages ago, it is a Childs birthday tomorrow and I don't feel like that is a day to be doing anything which may make him kick off.

Saying that though, no matter what day it is, it isn't right that a partner and children have to walk on eggshells for fear of him kicking off :(

I agree that you should make your son's birthday as special as you can.

I wouldn't continue ignoring dh - it will enable him to feel vindicated when he plays the victim and makes you out to be ungrateful. (I got you all these presents and you didn't even open them etc.)
Speak to your dh in private - explain your feelings, take action. But not on or near your son's birthday.
In a week or so, when you've decided whether you stay or leave, you should talk to him.

Bloody Hell he is a game player isn't he.

I am going to recommend a book for you
Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That

One way around the present issue maybe to check with the children if they chose any presents for you and if they did open them just with your children.

Celebrate your DS's birthday with joy but I would keep any conversation with your DH very neutral. Part of his power / game is provoking a reaction in you so it falls a bit flat when you give a neutral response. Even a bit of a "whatever you say, dear" response might well throw him.

Thanks. I am just ib from work and shattered.
I find I get really down when this happens, and really cross, so I can hardly bear to be around dh .
I find it maddening that he is so awful and yet he makes it look like my fault.
I know I shouldn't show anything in front of the dc but I only told them that if they had bought me anything I would open it and if they weren't from them I didn't really want them after the hoohaa the day before.

I think he sees me as an adversary, a competitor, that's how he is with his brother anyway.

AF you know you said keep the kids out of it?
If I don't say why [in a general way] I don't want the presents, then he will look the victim and I will just look unhinged.. who randomly decides they don't want presents?
If I opened them they would think he has been kind and I should be grateful.
I think it was important I didn't open the presents.
I have told him I never want a present from him again and have thrown his card away.

I really would value advice on how to end this farcical horrible marriage without looking llike the one who is a marriage destroying madwoman, totally unreasonable and with minimal damage to the dc.

Happy Birthday! Maybe next year will be better. Like bogeyface said there is likely other issues here. This sort of thing can creep in and before you know it you are putting up with a lot of abuse on a daily basis. There are local agencies you can go to for support. If you are not sure about them talk to your doctor she/ he can tell you how to access them. When you have been belittled for a long time it can be difficult to stand up for yourself. Your confidence can be shattered. There are people who will help you. Things can be better. You have to make the first move though.