Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

[Loisatwitsend]

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

It will definitely not be letting him win, it will be helping you move on.

Your Dr can probably refer you to begin with and then you will be assessed which really is just a chat, to decide what sort of therapy would help you.

I've had counselling, it over time changed my thought processes. It was amazing! I couldn't see it at first. It sows the seeds and you don't even realise its happening. Months after it ended i suddenly realised that i had changed. The way i felt about things and reacted to them had changed. I recommend it highly!

Thanks for the support. I will have a think about getting help.
Hope OP comes back and hope she is doing well.

I think you have made some good choices LOIS.
I would not throw out my dh with 2 small kids left for me to look after.
It'll be lovely and free at first- where is the lesson there?
Stick with your plan and let us know how it goes.

Just to let you all know. Friday night went well. he has already told me he wanted to try and make it work so i felt positive. It was a revelationary evening in some ways. Stuff from way back in our past and some of that now hurts a bit but it was a time when I know I hurt him too so I can't dwell on that. EWhat matters is we talked about our sex life and realised by talking about it that we never tell eachother waht we want and also remembered we did used to have good sex we had just forgotten to do it!

Anyway i went the tease route. We snogged a lot and he really wanted me and I knew it. We snogged for hours and talked a lot in between. he said sorry and he agrees he probably is havinga MLC - although we both hate the term! He has been feeling depressed since August but juts couldnt put his finger on why and has built it up to the point he felt he couldnt and shouldnt be with me and that he didn't fancy me. We have let is all stagnate and we have agreed to have a weekly date night - no TV, wine and music and sex! And we are going to spice things up too. Plus he is going to try and think a bit more re the mundane stuff I deal with and not take it for granted and neither of us are going to take love for granted as it isn't enough.

He has been thinking about other women but only as men do and realistically women too although we perhaps don't act on such thoughts as often as they seem too according to this thread!!

He swears he would never cheat on me and seemed curious to know if I ever had in the early years etc. He obviously has been missing a sex life and I now realise I have too - it makes you feel more confident just having one!
All I would say to anyone reading this looking for my ending to our story so far is that currently I think yes, this can end well!!

He has promised me he will talk - this isn't going to get better over night abut we are working through it and I feel positive and happy about that. I have been hurt and I am therefore guarded and hesitant and I have been knocked but I have gone from not being able to look in the mirror to confident in my body again in just 48 hours he knows what he has said and done to me and he knows my fears for the future but he agrees if we are open with eachother at the same time as keeping our realtionship alive we can get though any crisis life throws at us!

Thank you all for your comments and support - some of which has been invaluable. Thank you x

Lois your message the other day sounded so positive. How are things now?

They are still good thank you for asking. We are having another date night tonight so no TV or work just talking. He seems really interested in me and is helping around the house. And things in the bedroom are good! I know we are early days but I just hope this gives some people going through similar things some hope! The male mid life crisis has a lot to answer for - if they don't talk it can build up out of all proportions!

This is good to read! Hope it continues to improve! :)

Lois...I am so pleased that you remained positive and talked. I hope you both lots of happy, love filled years together

Loisatwitsend I have read through all your thread and I find the support from here invaluable.. I also am so happy to hear a 'happy ending', as it stands for now!
I am in a similar situation, he loves me but does not fancy me, he says.. My gut feeling is thaat our stagnant sex life has never been redressed by either of us for a very long time.. Since I talked to him about our lack of sex, he 'spiced up' really a lot, but my insecurities of him watching porn behind my back in the past pushed him to say that he doesn't fancy me. Yet he fondles me here and there. Anyway. So glad to hear your happy ending. xxx

Hi Lois, I know this thread was active over a year ago but absolutely everything is so true of my husband. I could almost think you are writing about him! The things he has said, the things he has done... He is adamant he can't find his way back - its a year since he dropped th bombshell that he feels different. Moved out in July in the hole his feelings would come back. They haven't. I can't go on like this, covering up, lying to people if there really is no hope. I'm 100% he's not having an affair. He is a mess. Is having counselling. How can I make him see our perfect family life is not worth giving up? I have no idea how we can get the intimacy back as he too has told me he doesn't love me in the 'right way' any more. I have questioned and questioned and questioned him, which he hates, but as you know, it's unbearable. I just need to understand. I hate having no affect on him. He would have done anything for me in the past. With 3 young children, my redundancy, moved to our dream home then our old house fell through, life has been stressful. We always take everything in our stride, so we thought, but it has obviously had a massive impact.

If I may - who was he with immediately before you?

How did that relationship end?

What was the time gap between his ex & you?

I ask because if he was dumped & you got together on his rebound, it's entirely possible he never 'really' fancied you - you just represented everything his ex wasn't ... at the time

You filled his most empty bucket

Then add in something called 'loyalty' & you have a stand-up guy who has been / is a great dad etc etc but ...

has gotten to that time in life where he believes he's paid his dues as a grafter & a dad but now perhaps 'deserves' to be with someone he actually, err, fancies

"As a MAN - do I REALLY want to go to my grave celebate" - may well be the conversation in his head, once he has accepted that he simply doesn't fancy you, sexually, and never again will

As for GPs, counselling, therapy etc etc - forget it.

Sorry, no stranger can 'talk a man into' being sexually attracted to someone he is not. I mean, ask yourself, seriously - could a stranger talk YOU into being sexually attracted to someone you simply are not?

Non madame.

There are many things counselling can fix. I should know. I am on the alumini of a real bricks & mortar counselling & therapy centre & I see miracles happen every day ... but not this

Talking therapy is amazing, but it cant make you fancy someone you simply do not

This thread topic header closes with - "Does this ever end well?"

It CAN if the woman accepts that his need to desire does not counterpoint his love for you

There are countless legions of CEO's & captains of industry who 'take the secretary away' while the wife does lunch and does the tennis coach.

But you cannot make him fancy you, and neither can anyone else

So look around at everything you have (as opposed to everything you have not) and YOU decide if you want to turn that cart over, end it all, split up & start all over again 'out there' ... or ...

Let him go get laid

Pound to a pinch of shit, once its out of his system, guilt will bring him 'home'

Zombie thread.

I know this message was posted a long time ago, but I'm wondering how it all turned out? My partner finally told me his physical attraction for me had been waning for years, but still loves me. I think it sounds like your man is going through a re-appraisal of his life - I suppose the cliche mid-life crisis. I would actually advice (if it's not too late) letting him move out and have space and try to focus on your own life. somehow I feel he might come back with a different perspective.