Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

[Loisatwitsend]

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

to bed
night all
good luck OP

night klick

btw, I have covered the walls and roof of my house in tinfoil, so I am untraceable

I don't see that whether or no there is an OW at the moment is relevent. Her husband doesn't fancy her. If he doesn't fancy someone else now he will in the future. I think women get too hung up on OWs.
I stopped fancying my husband some time before I eventually left him. I did then have another bloke, but he wasn't the reason my marriage didn't work. My feelings for my husband had gone a couple of years before. I kept hoping they'd come back but they didn't. To say I left my husband because of another man is to miss the point.
Him never having fancied you is a very hurtful thing to say though, and sounds untrue. why would you have sex with and marry someone you don't fancy? I suspect his definition of "fancy" has changed over the years and he's forgotten how he used to feel.
I never told my first husband I had stopped fancying him as it seemed too hurtful. It wasn't as though his appearance had even changed that much, I just stopped wanting him touching me.
I think we expect relationships to last too long.

af
too late
I am outside your house
mwah ha ha

you remind me of someone, klick < peers over pince nez >

do you possess a candlewick bedspread ?

I really wouldn't recommend that the OP starts competing to be a sexy, fun desirable woman with a man who has just said he has never fancied her in the 20 years they've been together. Are there really women in 2012 who would ignore this and get out the frilly undies to try to win a man like this back? Or decide that as he doesn't want to talk about it, he must know best and so the best thing to do is carry on and hope it will all go away. Really?

Sternface i agree. Thats my opininon too. But youve said it better than me.

Yes it really can't be said enough. The frilly underwear approach is DEATH in this situation. Death for the relationship, for the OP's self respect, and for any respect her H still has for her (which ain't much, however much sadface he pulls while he whines about how supposedly unhappy he's been forever).

OP if you take nothing else from this thread, take this: the problem in your relationship IS NOT YOU. It's HIM. You haven't lied to your spouse for decades. You haven't had sex pretending to fancy him but apparently faking it. You haven't concealed all your unhappiness until it was this serious, and you'd brought two kids into the situation too. And you aren't refusing to seek counselling.

Theres only one party here who needs to make changes.

And that's taking everything he said as the truth (which is very far fetched, sorry).

He sounds like a cold selfish dickhead. But, people go through phases of being really happy in their relationship and attracted to their partner to feeling quite the opposite. It can mske you question things but things can change. I know I've felt like this and at other times all in love! It could pass, obviously it might not but I don't think what he is feeling is abnormal just the way he is treating you over it.

The OW call, for me, was not the fact he made comments about legitimate feelings that can be worked through (to one of two conclusions).
The point was what he said and the implications for your marriage and self esteem. It was the passing the buck talk, making everything in your past a lie and putting you in a position of vulnerability.
Without that the future is up to both of you to work on as you see fit.
With that - it's cruelty unbecoming in anyone least of all your husband of 20 years and father of your children. It is not for you to jump through hoops now.

I see you had the force of the "leave the B" brigade.They have toned it down over the last few months.
You dont seem to be the sort to do things in a hurry

Does sound like DH needs some breathing space
When was the last time he had time away from the business, or you for that matter?
My DH and I also run a business
I know how difficult it is to get time off
The male friend that he has been talking to, is he single, or recently seperated, and going out socialising a lot?And your DH likes the look of that?

If you live and work together, it is easy for one person to get a bit fed up with the other from time to time.
My DH cannot just up and leave the business, so a coupleof tmes a year I go on a 3 day break away from the business.it refreshes me, and in his case, he gets space from me, and becomes a bit of a "absence makes the heart go fonder" person.

Hi Lois, so sorry you're going through this. There's been a lot of conflicting advice and opinions given, but you know yourself and your husband best and what will work for you.

To say your husband has handled this insensitively is a massive understatement. That doesn't mean he doesn't still love you, as you said he struggles to express himself. My dad is quite similar and as a result can be very blunt and seem uncaring. He said the exactly the same thing to my mom about 15 years ago. My mom did work on her appearance and they'll celebrate 38 years of marriage this year.

Personally, I wouldn't go the same route as my mom. Work on your marriage yes, but not your appearance. I think my mom has put pressure on herself now to have to stay slim and attractive to please my dad, and he thinks it's acceptable to tell her that she needs to loose weight when she's a size 10. It's kinda set the tone for their marriage, and really, my changing herself, my mom has confirmed to my dad that he was in the right.

Anyway, there is hope, but remember you're not at fault so you don't need to change.

Just to add, my parents are happy together! God, my last post made their relationship look grim, but on the whole it's good.

Ok - I'm back - catching up on all your posts last night. It's good to hear everyone's viewpoints and to take on board some home truths. Thank you!!!

What has saddened me most is how many men must have hurt so may women. In my sheltered little loved up world I never really thought so many did the dirty on their partners to leave so mnay MNs so decisive that there must be an OW.

What I can tell you is that all this advice has empowered me to take action and although not as drastic as some of you might hope I must stress that you don't know my H.

I asked him whether he wanted to talk as you know last night and he said nope and then as you know he is out tonight at his martial arts class - this is real - he is revising for a grading, comes home with ripped trousers (at the heel before you jump to conclusions) and blisters on his toes - he's asked me to get some surgical tape to strap his toes tonight - he isn't that clever to be covering up an affair!!

After putting the kids to bed I stood up quite strong and clear with no tears( feisty not doormat) and asked - did he think he was treating me reasonably, with respect? he said the standard response - I don't know. I also then told him I was talking to friends on here as I can't talk to people in RL ( apart from my best friend who has been brilliant). Told him what some of you thought. Told him he didn't marry a walkover - I have always had fire in my belly. Told him I was hurt but I was now getting more and more angry due to being left in limbo and not even knowing if he wants to fix it. Told him I thought he was being selfish saying he needed more space and time - hasn't he had months and years dwelling on how he doesn't fancy me!!!

He said still needs time - and I said for what to convince yourself no going back, cant unsay what has been said and to decide cant ever fancy me. I said wasn't it for us to decide how to make things better - how to get the desire back and the intimacy back as I am hoping this is what this is. Him dealing with it in his head is him having a mid life crisis I said! he thinks he's too young to have one of those!!!! he is 36.

I said either he wants to fight for us and talk or he doesn't and walks

I said I am not making that walking decision for him so he can run to his family and say i kicked him out.

I reminded him I had suggested he asks his mum to have our kids overnight this weekend and he said OK. I said only if he wants to and he said OK.

So - progress?????

Still woke up with knot in my throat and had quick cry this morning in the bathroom. Have friend coming for coffee today. Won't see him much at all today and I work all day in a pt job tomorrow and Fri so he is going to get his space and at least we now have a planned time to talk. And I have lots of ideas from you all to talk about

Just to clarify a few points - he has said he has fancied me over the years but then increasingly came these waves of not feeling the right way about me - I think this about the fact our sex life has never been brilliant - Just a bit mundane and dull. I mentioned this last night too - gave him a home truth which I think opened his eyes!!

Also the holiday - he was never suggesting I shouldnt go just that the reason he wants it to go ahead is to be with the kids and not about being with me. When it comes to that part he just says I don't know.

I didn't think the Marital arts class was a cover story but that he may have met someone there.

Tell us more about the man he works with - is he single/married etc? Does your H have independent time at work - would he be able to get away on his own easily? Many cheaters use their work days to have affairs.

If he's not up for marriage counselling, maybe specific sexual counselling would be good. Could help sort things out in this area.

Lois, I think everything you did and said about, in your last post, is spot on.

Wow.. anything you ask him, answers 'ok' or 'I don't know' and you think that's progress?

He just sounds like a spoiled child to me but everyone has their levels and if you can tolerate that, best of luck with sorting it out.

he does not sound bothered about throwing away his marriage - he isn;t fighting for you isn't he?

It's staggering that the man's marriage is on the line here and he's quite happy to trot off to his martial arts class without a care in the world, with an added request for you to get him some surgical tape.

I'm also wondering what kind of training he's doing that leads to blisters on toes and ripped trousers? Especially someone who's presumably a beginner. IIRC the beginners are usually working on general fitness (push-ups, sit-ups, star jumps etc), learning the basic kicks and punches, and learning the first kata/pattern. They may do basic sparring but for the beginners this would be either no-contact or very light contact. Nothing blister-inducing at all.

And if he's doing his first grading then surely he must be in a proper suit by now, and not his own trousers? Karate suits tend to be hard wearing and don't rip easily. I did karate for several years and never once saw anyone who needed to have their toes strapped because of training. Not even the head sensei who was a 3rd dan black belt. What on earth is your dh doing???

He may well be attending a martial arts class but something doesn't ring true here.

I think you have said exactly the right thing.

However, I think he needs to move out for a while if 'he needs space'

This is no longer about him and how he feels. What he said and his actions have fundamentally changed the way YOU feel.

So, he should move out and
a) realise what he is throwing away and fight to regain your trust and respect, and make you feel loved and wanted.

Or

b) realise he can't change the way he feels and needs to man up and end your marriage.

A Little Time by The Beautiful South springs to mind.

I really hope you can work it out but he needs to understand the gravity of what he has done.

Helltotheno, I think she meant that SHE had made progress. Being firm but kind. I agree you said the right stuff.

Bad idea to tell him about this thread. He'll remove any evidence of an affair now and you'll be none the wiser.

Ok. It's progress that you've spoken to him. It's progress that you're angry.

However, I feel you are giving him options by asking him open-ended questions rather than to force him to say yes or no.

Would you like my take on this? I'm going to give it whether you like or not, so here it goes. I have been in this position. Both sides. Having heard it said to me I know how it is to want to fight for this not to be real, for it all to nice and smooth and for it to be like "old times".

I have said this to partners and when I did it was because I was too chicken shit to say that I wanted to end it. It's difficult to end a relationship when both of you have done nothing wrong apart from drift apart.

"It's not you, it's me" really that is what he's trying to say but in a more hurtful way and being all upended about it.

If this was a friend of yours in this position, what would you say to her? How would you tell her how to proceed?

It's really difficult when it comes to a head and knocks you for six, coming out of the blue. I feel you need to become cold and detached and look at this from a certain tyoe of perspective. Would you feel happy living in a sexless marriage, woud feel happy living in a marriage not knowing where you stand, would you feel happy separating and seeing if you can work on the marriage together apart and see what happens in the future, would you be happy to live together and see a counsellor or apart and see a counsellor?

All of these questions and more are only answers that YOU can answer, not him and not us on this forum. All this bollocks of him not knowing how he feels? I'm sorry but my personal opinion is just this, it's a big pile of steaming bollocks, he does know but is too chicken shit to express himself in fear of being cast as the bad guy. There may or may not be another woman present. This doesn't matter, he has said things that are not nice to you about your appearance and sexual attraction. Whether you are happy to accept that or not, is up to you.

Hope you get through this ok.