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Original poster

Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

213 replies

Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:15

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:51

Lots of food for thought. Thanks for all your support. Have to go - school run. Back later. Thanks again!!

OP posts:
doormat · 15/05/2012 14:53

sending u loads of huggles xxxxxThanks Thanks Thanks

Mama1980 · 15/05/2012 14:55

I am so sorry you are going through this Sad regardless of whether or kept their is another woman I think that he has never felt that spark etc is a very cruel thing to say-especially that it has never been there. Personally for me for my own self respect i would have big issues staying with anyone who said that. He sounds very confused could you both make a concerted effort to 'date'? But then if he says that spark for him has never been there.... Sorry not much help I know. I'm sorry by I can't see a happy ending here. Keep posting though the support on here is amazing.

Adayforthinking · 15/05/2012 15:03

Lois, I really wouldn't jump to the 'other woman' conclusions. It's all too common on these threads. As much as affairs are all too common (it appears) these days, it's not always the reason.

My DH told me something similar when our DD was 6 months old. Not that he didn't fancy me, but just that he didn't know if he loved me anymore.

It actually turned out that it was reverse psychology. When we got to the bottom of it, he thought that I didn't love him anymore because I was so wrapped up in DD and he thought that I would leave him and take her with me. He was terrified of losing his family.

That was two years ago now and we've just started TTCing for DC#2. I never for one minute thought he was having an affair. Glad I didn't post about it on here!

I hope that I'm proved right on this one. (Although I may well not be...).

timetoask · 15/05/2012 15:04

I think he might be going through a middle life crisis.
It is shame that some men and women, in these modern times, expect the same level of desirability in their partners as the years go by.
Personally, I think love evolves during the years into something else.
After 50 years of marriage, I am sure my father and mother love each other (have shared many ups and downs, have struggled, laughed, made plans, shared, raised children), but would bet my left hand that they don't "fancy" each other.
All marriages go through these patches, it just appears that some people are expecting too much and giving up too soon.

molly3478 · 15/05/2012 15:16

timetoask- I have to disagree my parents have been together for 43 years and are always all over each other, my dads always pinching my mums bum and they are always kissing, holding each others hands etc [get a room Grin ] I think you should always fancy your partner regardless of how long you have been together.

OP I think you have to find out if this is a temporary thing or whether it is true he has always felt like that. Maybe you are missing that connection at the mo for whatever reason

timetoask · 15/05/2012 15:22

molly, I am glad not everyone thinks like you, we would have lots more coupled divorced.
I have never seem my inlaws pinching anything either.

gnomeland · 15/05/2012 15:23

I think he's being very unfair and cowardly.

Is he hoping that you'll be the one to end it? He can't have a perfect family life and cosy domesticity if he is going to want it on such selfish terms.

I do hope you can get through this and that he can work out what it is that he actually wants.

It's very easy when life has been rough to just get so weighed down by it all.

But I think you need to stand up for yourself. He either wants you or he doesn't. He can't just have the security and comfort of you. Sad

molly3478 · 15/05/2012 15:29

Well its what my mum always taught me timetoask and as they both got together at 14 and been together 43 years then I think it must work! I agree from my own marriage to.

If you had the love/fancy/spark in the first place then to me you can get it back if you have a momentary blip, however if a person generally never did fancy the person then it cant be created.

GobblersKnob · 15/05/2012 15:36

I think that is terribly harsh. I don't know how I would process that tbh, because without any of that you are just mates really.

I have no idea if he is having an affair or not but in all honesty I think I could forgive an affair easier than I could ever get over dp telling me he had never fancied me.

Beyondconfused · 15/05/2012 15:40

I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I don't think OW either, as fantastic as mumsnetters can be, it does appear that sometimes the idea of OW is suggested far to readily.

From what you have said, I feel that your partner is just very confused and has been honest about his feelings, although perhaps he has been a bit too honest and said things in a way that perhaps he shouldn't. He may have just been getting it all off his chest and forgetting that actually what he said was pretty hurtful to you.

Perhaps you can try and talk with him more and see if there is anything that the two of you can do to try and create a bit more romance/sexual spark. I am of the opinion that the sexual spark is either there or it isn't BUT, after 20 years together he needs to be realistic and realise that there are more important things, yes, sex is a very important part of a relationship and is what makes your relationship exclusive, but also it sounds like the two of you have a happy relationship otherwise. Has he intonated if he wants to end the relationship? If this has been his only relationship then perhaps he's having a very delayed "I wonder" moment? You and him are all he knows as relationships go, perhaps something has awoken his curiosity?

If it were me, I would feel rather hurt by all he has said but also I would be glad that he has actually raised the subject. At least from here things are out in the open and you can hopefully continue to talk and really get to the bottom of things and try and make it better.

Good luck to you, you sound lovely.

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 15:50

Thank you all. I do feel a glimmer of hope. My emotions are all a bit of a rollercoaster - thank god for the children to keep me strong!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 15/05/2012 15:53

Whatever your DH is feeling he doesn't have the right to dump it on you and then do nothing about it. In your position I would be absolutely insisting on counselling, and if he refused I would consider that to be the end. He might just be honest about his feelings, which is fine, but to just come out with it and then do nothing to solve the problem really isn't fair.

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 16:02

Think I will try and talk tonight as we didn't talk at all last night as he got a bit shirty with me for not giving him space! Think I will try the approach again re counselling if he has fancied me at times and everything else is perfect then it can't be worth throwing it all away after 20 years and we must be able to find the desire again. I'm not an old minger - honest!! Friends laughlignly call us the beautiful couple! They havn't seen my mashed up face from crying solidly the last few days!
If not think I will tell him he has to go for a while and sort his head out somewhere else - I think as someone said he probably is waiting for me to call this shot anyway so he doesn't have to!!

OP posts:
Beyondconfused · 15/05/2012 16:08

Talk to him again and ask for counselling. If he refuses this then I would say he's probably not prepared to fight for the marriage, alas.
However, don't let him make YOU the responsible one for him leaving and thus making you feel like the bad guy when it is his feelings that have changed. By making you call the shots it is taking the responsibility away from him. He needs to decide what he is going to do and if he needs space then he should be the one discussing this with you and not waiting for that decision to be taken out of your hands.
Keep communicating with him as much as possible. As another poster said, he can't just dump all that on you and then not talk about it further when asked.

PostBellumBugsy · 15/05/2012 16:29

Lois, it is so hurtful of him to say that he never really fancied you. Do you believe that? I find it hard to believe - but only you can know the answer to that.

It sounds as though he is doing a bit of a "poor me" routine and despite saying really unkind & hurtful things to you, he wants "space" and "time". What does he think you are supposed to do? Take all this on the chin? What he has said is devastating & IMO, actually quite nasty.

I would have a think about what you want. You could always get some counselling for yourself. Please don't feel unreasonable about requesting counselling for the two of you either.

midwife99 · 15/05/2012 16:41

I think it is an empowering thing for you to do to tell him to leave for a while to decide what he wants. It may backfire but there's nothing worse than feeling like you're not wanted & on tenterhooks is there? If you take control & say go then & don't come back until you want me he may realise what he's missing? Obv if there is OW or he really wants to leave I'm sorry but at least you'll know.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 16:44

That's such a hurtful thing to say!

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 16:46

I am afraid I think he is either planning to have an affair or is having one.

He does not fancy you anymore (surely he must have fancied you if you have DC).

He is rewriting history.

He needs space away from his family.

He refuses to go to counselling.

Until you know what is really going on, working on it will be very difficult and asking him if he is having an affair will end in denial.

You need to do some snooping around and check his emails, phone, laptop (including deleted folders and internet history), bank/credit card statements.

Also is he protective of his phone? Has he changed passwords recently? Has he mentioned a female friend/colleague?

PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 16:48

I don't think i could stay with my partner if he said that. It would crush my confidence and id be thinking about it all the time. I can't see the point of saying it, its not like there is anything you can do about it!

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 16:48

Tell him to move out of your bed and stop doing his washing/ironing/cooking. He is being very cruel in refusing to talk about this.

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 16:52

He doesn't have a laptop. No password on his phone. I access his emails everyday as I help run his buisness and do all the papaerwork. He doesn't use the computer and hates it. I have full access to his bank accounbts as thay are eiether joint or for the buisness. he has no credit cards. Only one thing is he recently started martial arts classes once a week and loves that but he trains all the time at home so it is real and he is only out of the house for the lesson time itself. I have just caught up reading another thread whre there did turn out ot be an OW but really can't believe it. He is selef emeployed and works with one other chap and I know where he is and who is on site everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 16:53

Strange thing is we have booked a holiday and the big balance is due this week but he still want to pay it as he wants a holiday with the children. What about me? I asked - answer - he doesn't know!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 16:56

Perhaps you need to take control. He doesn't fancy you? Fine, do you want to live with someone who doesn't find you attractive? No? Ask him to leave?

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 17:00

Oh that must have really hurt - saying he doesn't know if he wants you to come on holiday with them.

WHat kind of work he is doing - does he go out and about for work?

Check his phone and his work vehicle for a second mobile.

The martial arts classes is a possibility - he may have met someone there?

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