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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

213 replies

Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:15

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

OP posts:
shockers · 15/05/2012 17:07

Maybe there is a woman at his class who he has feelings of desire for and it has made him feel confused and guilty. Feelings like that become massive because you know they are basically not what should be happening and so you can't talk about them to anyone. I think many people develop a crush which takes them by surprise at some point in their life... it's how they deal with that crush that is important.

I'm not saying that's what has happened, but it could.

I hope you manage to get him to talk to somebody. x

PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 17:08

Why don't you go on holiday with the kids without HIM!

Its not your fault he doesn't fancy you and its not your fault that he did nothing about it for all these years, so why should you miss out on the holiday!

sternface · 15/05/2012 17:10

Does what he's saying sound authentic and true?

Wouldn't you have known all these years if the physical attraction had been one-sided?

The reason posters call 'affair' is because the combination of what he's said and a refusal to talk about it or go for counselling usually does mean an affair. Nearly every thread about this exact combination of events, the OP says 'oh he couldn't possibly have time for an affair' but there is always time and there are always opportunities if you're not glued together 24-7. I'd think he feels quite deeply involved with the other person if it's got so bad that it's giving him false memories, but that's often part of the script too.

The advice I'd give is to say that you just can't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't fancy you. You want a sex life and cannot sign up to a relationship with a man who doesn't want sex with you. I'd add that if he's telling the truth, your entire sex life with him was conducted under false pretences and you feel very angry about that.

Then I'd look for the second phone Wink......

What this usually means is that an affair is going on or is about to start, but the relationship is not yet on a sound enough footing to warrant leaving for it. Blokes who come out with this crap usually want to keep all the home comforts but they don't want to offer anything up to keep the intimate relationship going. They are called 'monogamous infidels'.

If he was telling the truth, you would have noticed this long before now and if he was conflicted enough to raise it as an issue, he would be doing anything possible to try to mend things or alternatively leave the relationship in a kinder way. He would be willing to go to counselling and would realise that you cannot drop a grenade into the relationship like this without any subsequent discussion about next steps.

Get snooping more rigorously and at the minimum, take him at his word and re-assert your right to be ina relationship with someone who wants sex with you.

merryhell · 15/05/2012 17:15

I'm afraid I agree with OW scenario. He doesn't have to be a bad person. Nor does he need a laptop or mobile to be considering or having an affair. Mine had neither and still managed one, using a secret email account consulted only at work, and face-to-face meetings onlySad

If it's logistically impossible for him to be conducting an affair, it could be that he's come across someone who has offered him that opportunity?

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 17:16

Just got home and I asked if he wants to talk tonight. Nope is the reply. he is out tomorrow night. So I give him 48 hours and then get tough! I do love him.

OP posts:
PostBellumBugsy · 15/05/2012 17:17

I hope he is worthy of your love Lois.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2012 17:19

I would try to get to the bottom of what he meant.

There's a big difference between 'you never made me go 'wow'' and 'I have never fancied you' the latter being way more upsetting.

I also don't think it's that plausible, in the entire 20 years, presumably you did have sex and stuff, did he not fancy you then?

There's something underlying this, you have to find out what it is. I can't see his motivation for rocking the boat now (after all, if he really didn't fancy you in an entire 20 years why bother mentioning it now?)

I am not calling OW as I have no idea about that, but it's either a mid-life crisis or he's got a bigger confession to come about what he really does fancy.

I couldn't personally live with this revelation, and I think he's half-way out the door anyway, who knows why?

It won't end well unless you can get to the bottom of why he said this and what he means and who he does really fancy.

KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 17:19

I agree with Stern .. my stbx followed the same script. the only thing that made me doubt my instinct was that he never went anywhere .. but was skipping off work.. got the love you but not in love chat and no he wasn't looking for anyone else (as he already had her it turns out!!)

Sorry you are going through this xx

shockers · 15/05/2012 17:22

Where is he going tomorrow night?

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 17:25

Try the book "Why WomenTalk and Men Walk.How to improve Your Relationship Without Discussing It."
Its worth a try.

KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 17:25

And why is the night out more important than having a talk?? You are not going to get any sleep tonight. Do you have someone in RL you can go and talk to tonight? x

carernotasaint · 15/05/2012 17:28

I agree with MadAboutHotChoc. Do not do anything for him washing/ironing/cooking. Because it sounds to me like hes decided he no longer wants a wife but still wants a housekeeper. Well you are NOT his housekeeper you are his wife.

zookeeper · 15/05/2012 17:28

Actually try yellow pages and get some good legal advice because he is taking the piss

Helltotheno · 15/05/2012 17:28

I hope you will get tough OP because right now, it sounds as though you're taking everything lying down. I don't think the presence or not of an OW is relevant in this case; he's said what he said, he can't just not talk about it now. It's not up to you to hang about on tenterhooks waiting for King Loisatwitsend to start talking about this - at this stage, at a bare minimum, I would have moved out of the bedroom, stopped doing laundry, stopped cooking for him etc. Do you not think you're important enough to be owed an answer?

sternface · 15/05/2012 17:30

I wouldn't give him 48 hours. He's probably seeing OW tomorrow night.

He doesn't want to talk about it because he's got a secret, OP. Sorry, but no-one has the right to land this on you and then retreat. That's why so many of us think he's lying and re-writing history.

daffydowndilly · 15/05/2012 17:33

Please don't take offense, but in this thread you sound as if you are being a doormat. He doesn't want to talk to you ('ok'), he is going out ('ok'), you 'love him'.... seriously? Why aren't you angry? He is behaving towards you as if you have absolutely no value, and you are talking here as if you believe the same. He wants to go on your family holiday, with your children, without you? Poor liddle man doesn't know what he wants.... he is not being nice, he is not being a good husband, he is not being honest with you.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 17:33

How dare he just refuse to talk about it! And still go on his night out! Says such a hurtful thing to you and then its just "tough Im not talking about it!"

Angry
daffydowndilly · 15/05/2012 17:34

The Games People Play by Eric Berne is good too. Perhaps he wants out of the relationship but just doesn't want to be the bed guy, so will push and push until you end it? Being of the the games written about.

MerryMarigold · 15/05/2012 17:34

What's he up to tonight? Can you 'pop in'?! I would ask a friend to come over and babysit and see where he's going. It really does sound suspicious. 20 years is a long time to be with someone without fancying them...I really doubt it's true.

And as for the holiday, YOU are going on it, with a friend to help out with the kids!

zookeeper · 15/05/2012 17:35

Where is he going that is so important he has to go whilst your marriage is in crisis?

merryhell · 15/05/2012 17:36

He doesn't want to talk because he doesn't want to fix it because it sounds like he's already decided what he wants.

Good luck with getting tough.

He has no right to say something as hurtful as that to you, his wife who he claims to love, then clam up and refuse to say more.

Say you know there is more to this and he absolutely owes it to you to explain where this has come from.

cazboldy · 15/05/2012 17:38

even if he was being honest with you originally, he is being very callous and unfair by avoiding talking to now. He must know how much he is hurting you. I think if it was me I would just disappear and give him a bit of a fright.... go to my mum's or something.... if that is what he actually wants though, I suppose you may be shooting yourself in the foot....

Anyway.... the upshot of it is that he can't really love you to be being so cruel.... if he loved you,but didn't fancy you that is no reason to be being so cold and not talking to you about it.

So sorry you are having to deal with this x

Chandon · 15/05/2012 17:49

Whether or not he has an OW is irrelevant, really.

He has hurt your feelings in a cruel selfish way. Then he says HE needs space to think about things. I guess it is YOUR job to become "fanciable" again? Angry

o.k., I am trying to imagine my DH saying this to me , and acting like this. My reaction would be anger. Anger at him dropping a bomb like that without regards for my feelings. Anger for him refusing to do anything to improve the matter, anger for telling me all the times we made love he did not fancy me and it was all a lie, anger about him making it all about HIM.

I would give him space. I would give him lots of space. in fact I would ask him to leave for a while so I could get my thoughts in order.

Then I would, like mad, figure out a future without him. Check finances, lawyers etc.

Wait for him to contact me, if he doesn't, I'd move on to divorce.

I would go out as much as I could bear with friends and family. i'd go on fucking holiday without him.

I would try to be very cool and aloof.

If he would come back and be upset and say it was all a big mistake, I am sure I would forgive him, and we could could work it out TOGETHER.

Waiting and hoping he will change his mind as long as you play nice, and give in to all his demands for space, and try to be nice and reasonable...yeah, that suits him maybe. But maybe not. because he will start losing respect for you (even more).

The more of an appeasing victim you are, walking on egg shells, the less he will respect and love you.

I think it is essential to be tough in this sort of situation and find your inner tiger, your inner strength. And then thinks will work out. You deserve better. You have to believe that. You deserve respect and love from him. or else, he doesn't deserve you.

carernotasaint · 15/05/2012 17:54

Sorry but if it was me i couldnt bring myself to undress in front of a man who had said that to me even if he did try to work things out afterwards. For me it would shatter my confidence too much and i just wouldnt do it. He wouldnt be getting anything from me ever again.

sternface · 15/05/2012 17:54

Hmmmm....but men that come out with this crap and get kicked out (which is the right thing to do, no question) do often have what appears to be a 'change of heart' after a while, but that's because the affair has ended. So taking someone back without knowing the truth about that is bad news, because it will happen again the next time another opportunity arises. Always best to flush out if there is an affair therefore.

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