Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

213 replies

Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:15

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 15/05/2012 17:55

I think In this case there is someone else. If he didn't fancy you for a long time like he said he's known it a long time then why feel the need to tell you now? This is him laying the cards down on the path. This is first steps. He is figuring out a way to leave as he feels he likes this other person and is thinking of leaving you.

RachyRach30 · 15/05/2012 18:05

Realistically why would he just bring it up now, if he doesn't fancy you? Why feel the need to tell you now? He said he has being feeling this a while but why just tell you now? If I didn't fancy someone I wouldn't tell them. If I did I would make the steps to leave as I would know it wouldn't make for a happy home telling somebody that. If he's not even said he wants to work on his feelings that clearly says to me there is some other woman he likes.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2012 18:43

Its only the delusion that my husband thinks I'm hot and happening when in fact I'm overweight, over forty and over the hill that keeps me going, if this was shattered, I just couldn't get over it. OP, do get your real life friends, family and supporters around you, I'm sure you are a lovely person and I doubt very much this is true in the way he's claiming (after 20 years).

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 18:54

So he is still refusing to talk after dropping this huge bombshell on you Sad

I agree something/someone has happened for him to say those cruel things after 20 years and whatever it is, he is hiding it from you.

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 19:26

You need to take charge. How about your feelings? The lack of respect towards you is unacceptable.

So HE doesn't want to talk. Tough beans. YOU DO.
If he doesn't accept that you want to talk this through tonight tell him to go.
He is behaving like a massively entitled shit.

He has basically married you in dishonesty.

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 19:27

I do get what you are all saying. It's the martial arts night tomorrow night. One of the things we both agreed a while back was we needed to find sometthing for us both to do for ourselves and that was his - mine is going for a run which I did earlier. I know OW happen a lot so it could be but I really do doubt it. I am angry and getting angrier that he wont talk but also I think he wants me to boot him out - make the decision for him - and I'm not prepared to let him off that hook just yet. He doesn't wasnt to tell family or friends yet and that would give him the excuse to say I have kicked him out! I will get tough but he seems genuine that he needs time - he has said he knows that can't go on and he knows this is killing me!

I am hoping this is a mid life crisis as he is so unable to open up it's beome about me and not us! And maybe I was never his ideal woman but he does love me and I am his best friend.

It's difficult to do nothing for him as I do the admin for our business!

OP posts:
sternface · 15/05/2012 19:29

What's he said about the martial arts thing - the people there and the instructors? And who does he come into independent contact with at work?

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 19:34

You could ask him to leave for a bit because YOU need space to get your head straight. Temporary separation. You then won't be his doormat and he might have to rethink his behaviour.

Unsettle him.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 19:42

He needs a dose of reality - life in a b&b/bedsit/on friend's sofa with a pot noodle, spending access time with the kids in MacDonalds, no home comforts and no one to do the laundry, ironing, shopping or cooking will bring him to his senses more quickly than staying in his family home and having his cake and eating it.

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 19:52

Please give the book I recommended a go.
If you separated, would you still do the books for him?
Are you a partner in the business?

Helltotheno · 15/05/2012 19:57

And maybe I was never his ideal woman but he does love me and I am his best friend.

You can't really speak for him can you?
You won't be able to control what he feels so you might as well regain your own control and not let him leave you hanging.

sternface · 15/05/2012 20:01

and I'd say keep the hell away from the book amillionyears is recommending, but we've had that conversation already haven't we, amillion?

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:02

lois stick to your guns and follow your instincts.
If you think he is genuine then you act accordingly- you are in a better position than anyone on here who is just reading posts.

Hope you are OK.

One thing I would add is that this is not necessarily enough to split over.

You have focussed on one thing he said, 'never fancied you' and 'didn't make me go wow'. Blokes do not always express themselves well. At the same time he saya the honeymmon was special- and you clearly have had sex for a long time and had 2 dc.

I would really suggest some sex therapy- why give up on something so good over ''the psark has gone'. As previous posters have said- the spark can be reignited. I realise he doesn't want to use counsellors- maybe get a video or book to read? Or start by banning sex and just cuddling (if anything). Take the relationship back to basics- get some serious DATES out organised- a weekend away, a week away. If he loves you then this may work. see if you can reconnect.

Of course, if he won't, and has decided he doesn't love you, then I think perhaps pp are right- either midlife crisis or OW.

Final idea- get him to imagine all the future events that will be affected by you separating- your dc big events- weddings, births, holidays, etc etc. Is he willing to experience all that separately and with extra complexity? He may not have thought about it.

Plus- you sound very involved with all the mundance aspects of his life- work, kids baks etc. Maybe you should draw back and get more of a life yourself (not just running!) so maybe you are less dependent and more interesting to be around. (Not saying you are boring- my husband would love you being so supportive!).

Trust yourself.
Suggest alternatives.
Make HIM decide- as you have said- do not get the blame.
Then- move on- you WILL be happy again.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:04

*banks not baks.

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 20:05

not sure if it was you or someone else.
cant remember why you didnt like it

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:06

I haven't see that book that amillionyears is recommending, but going off the title you should give it an almighty swerve

it sounds like all kinds of shite

arthriticfingers · 15/05/2012 20:09

Or OP could buy it and give it to the twat as an encouragement to, indeed, walk

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:12

hahaha arthritic I think the dh sounds like a neanderthal

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:12

on a quick google, it does, as expected, concentrate on the differences between the sexes wrt communication and encourages people to bang on in a uni lateral fashion at "re-connecting" even if the other partner is doing fuck-all to improve things themselves

excusing shitty behaviour in men on the grounds of them having a penis, in a nutshell

swerve it

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:16

Try the book "Why WomenTalk and Men Walk.How to improve Your Relationship Without Discussing It.
Its worth a try.
af how can you dismiss it without reading it?
It does sum up lots of problems- not everyone wants to split up with their partners- and that does not make them all doormats.
And so an internet search is same as reading it??

sternface · 15/05/2012 20:17

yep, I had to write a review of it once and slated it. I read it properly too and that's a day of my life I'll never get back. You've summed it up nicely Anyfucker but the thing that gets my goat is that it masquerades as a psychological work when it's just Men are from Mars re-packaged. Everyone knows that last book is shite but they might be fooled into thinking this one's different.

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 20:18

It helps to break down men's fear of communication.

Most men fear communication.The book helps men to start communicating again.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:18

af I know you are about a mature in years and me, and that you are unforgivingly decisive on mn. But I do wonder at the life you have spent on here.
I have not been on here enough to know more about you (distant memory tells me you are medically qualified) but I am intrigued.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:20

I might read it amillionyears my husband is also a neanderthal.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:21

And he has a klickKlackknobsac

Swipe left for the next trending thread