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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

213 replies

Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:15

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

OP posts:
sternface · 15/05/2012 20:21

The men in my life don't fear communication.

I know some women who do.

Look, people are people that's all. We are all different and we've all had different socialisations and conditioning. It's too confining to say 'most men.....' anything. Or most women.....

Some women will excuse gobshite behaviour because it's a man doing it. I'm not one of them and I expect Anyfucker is the same. It's all bollocks and aimed at daft people spending money on it.

Coconutty · 15/05/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:28

I agree with the gender bias problem- but IME many of the generalisations are useful. And the OP says her dh does not want counselling. There may be a snippet of something that could be helpful in that book. Maybe not- but op can decide for herself surely.
Gender differences do exist and my dh is completely different to me in the way he thinks. Maybe its just him, but most women I know are much easier to communicate with.
And no one is excusing gobshite behaviour.
fwiw the op dh has communicated clearly- he doesn't fancy her. But he has also said he loves her as a best friend. If she thinks there's no ow, then there may be a strategy to help them.
That is a good thing.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:29

"men fear communication" ?

the book helps them to "start communicating again" ?

people believe this shit ? Confused

well, I suppose it can help you rationalise why you stay with a shithead, if that's what you want, but it's not a healthy way to dismiss 49% of the population is it ?

I prefer to attribute more common sense and decency to men (as a group, perhaps not this particular individual) as a rule

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 20:29

I think a book based on such a sexist premise is worth avoiding. It has echoes of that 'men and their need for caves' bollocks.

To allow yourself to be dictated to as to when you are 'allowed' to discuss an issue within a relationship and the fear of challenging behaviour, does make someone a doormat/avoidant.

It is absolutely abhorrent that somebody can tell you your marriage is a sham in a tremendously hurtful manner and then try and control your response to it. I think that borders on abusive actually.

That is why I suggest immediate challenge. Your feelings matter as much as his and you need to assert yourself accordingly. The balance is all wrong here.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:32

klick could you run that post to me from 20:18 by me again, I didn't understand a word of it

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 20:34

A lot of men fear communication because they then feel fear, shame and guilt
Talking makes a lot of women feel better.
It makes a lot of men feel worse.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:36

NO
Queenie you are imposing your version of a relationship on her marriage. You do not know enough to say that.
She is waiting 48 hrs before she gets tough.
All that will be achieved if she ignores his request is that she splits up sooner. Why is that a good thing? What does it matter to you?
She still loves him and is struggling. I think she is listening, thinking and will act in her own time. Good for her.
I have been very wound up by mn in the past when I have had a problem. Everyone just jumps on and says OW, DUMP HIM, ARE YOU A WEED? Its some people's sport.
I think its dangerous.

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 20:37

Why just men? Why the sexism?

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:39

af I know you are about a mature in years and me, and that you are unforgivingly decisive on mn. But I do wonder at the life you have spent on here.
I have not been on here enough to know more about you (distant memory tells me you are medically qualified) but I am intrigued.

I meant you are about as mature in years as me.
You are on this a lot.
You have medical knowledge.
You are funny but very decisive and harsh.
You intrigue me.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:39

Just trying to work you out- would you be interesting in rl etc. Just thinkin.

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 20:40

Actually I believe in empowering individuals.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 20:43

KKKS - you sound a bit obsessed with AF Hmm Let's get back to OP.

OP - are you ok?

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:43

who doesn't Queenie.
But I don't think scaring them is the same as empowering. (not that you have personally scared anyone).
It can be crowd mentality on here. Would we say the same to a femlae who is crying, with her dc, worried about her dh? Would we say- he's clearly got an ow- check for a second phone, heard it all before, dump him????

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:44

Not obessed only 3 posts re af.
OP has gone.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 20:44

klick you realise that makes you sound a little bit stalkery don't you, and that if you examined every single one of my posts you coud probably even find out my name and address

but let's not go there Shock

QueenieLovesEels · 15/05/2012 20:51

I haven't said that he has another woman knob sac.

I have simply addressed the power imbalance at play as I see it in order for the O.P. to gain a better footing if this relationship is to get back on track.

Please note I have mentioned a temp sep as an option.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:53

hahaha
no- I do not have the time to read ALL of your posts.

Just thinking out loud iyswim
I am very talkative in rl and too quick a typist sometimes. gets me into all sorts of trouble all the time.

Coconutty · 15/05/2012 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:54

Sorry Queenie- did not mean to imply you personally said those things (but liking angry use of knobsac). lol
Many other said he has an OW.

Greatauntirene · 15/05/2012 21:09

I think it could be mid-life chrisis.

My DH went weird when he was about 50, think they suddenly realise that the girls they think are attractive no longer see them as attractive or chatupable. They are becoming old farts and don't like it.

Possibly they also feel trapped, mortgage, children etc. and that their opportunities for fun and freedom are over. Not saying they deserve our sympathy, just that I believe that that can be the problem. Also alot of men seem to go off with much younger women at this age, trying to recapture their youth maybe??

My DH also hard to talk to and can't talk about feelings (have never seen him cry). However, we are still together years later. So I would try not to make any life changing decisions and play for time. Perhaps say you need time to sort things out and think things through so won't discuss it again for x months or until your ready. Meanwhile try to carve out a life for youself and get some free time, maybe if you aren't seen so much as dependable Lois who slogs away behind the scenes and seen as vibrant, busy Lois with new friends and life outside the home his attitude will change.

SirSugar · 15/05/2012 21:10

I reckon hes got OW. Men don't generally rock the boat for no good reason and suddenly announcing that OP doesn't have the WOW factor; IMO he's feeling that for someone else.

I may be cynical but men can be stupid

Heleninahandcart · 15/05/2012 21:15

OP sometimes the partners who is reluctant to go to counselling fear not the communication as such, but having the truth of their intentions come out. If your DH really wanted to make things better, he would do whatever he could. He is offering absolutely nothing and this big family man can't even say he would like you there t share your family holiday.

Sadly I also think an OW is possible. It would explain his re-writing history to never fancying you, the ambivalence about you going on holiday, refusal to make any commitment to you whatsoever.

I think he is keeping his options open, seeing if something else works out and keeping you on hold in the background just in case. DC fed and taken care off, you still working on the business, him sitting pretty. Regardless of this, he has been horribly cruel to you and sees nothing wrong with this if it fits his version of the truth. Sorry.

GnomeDePlume · 15/05/2012 21:26

I read this out to my DH. His take:

  • OP's DH fancies someone else, it is the first flush so what he feels for OP doesnt compare
  • OP's DH is rewriting things with OP so that if/when things take off with new woman (NW) then he can say the relationship with OP was over
  • It is quite likely that OP's DH hasnt made a move to NW yet, he is just clearing the way
  • OP's DH wants OP to make decision and say 'it's over' that way it's her fault not his

My DH didnt need to read a book about communication to work the above out.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 21:28

Hold the front page !

A man that can read words and actions !

(that's all communication is, dontcha know)