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Original poster

Husband loves me but doesn't fancy me - does this ever end well?

213 replies

Loisatwitsend · 15/05/2012 14:15

I am new to all this but over the last 2 days I have been reading all the helpful comments and support peiople give eachother on here so thought I'd try myself.

My H and I have beeen together nearly 20 years with 2 young C aged 5 and 2. Everyone thinks we are soul mates and made for eachother. He has never been good at opening up and in 20 years has only cried 3 or 4 times!

He told me this weekend he still loves me and has the prefect life and family but that something is missing. He doesn't fancy me and never has really. He thought it wouldn't matter as he loves me and I am his best friend etc. We have been through a tough few years with 2 little ones, a lot of pressure rebuilding our home and financially and no doubt we have not spent the time on our relationship that we should, but he says he has felt these feelings on and off over the years before all this.

He now says he needs time to sort his head out but doesn't want to leave (because of the kids). I have said for ages we need to spend more time together just the 2 of us and he has not responded to this. He now says it is beacuse he doesn't and didn't want to because he knew he already didn't feel the right way about me.

I have done a lot of crying and talking to him. He is saying little or nothing. I know I now need to shut up and try and give him some space but I can only think that if he wants to fix this ( which I think he has already convinced himself he can't), he has to spend time with me and talk. Has anyone been here and managed to work through this or am I kidding myself? Am I prolonging the agony or is this worth fighting for. I love him to bits and am devastated - he is my world - should I have hope!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 16/05/2012 11:35

copper - that's a good point, several family members do karate and I have never seen toe blisters or ripped trousers Hmm

Original poster
Loisatwitsend · 16/05/2012 12:00

He isn't doing karate. It's tae kwondo. The blisters were only the 1st week and the tape is for his ingrown toenail which bleeds when he is training. He should have his kit by now but the instructor keeps forgetting it. I know one of the chaps he trains with and there is the one other adult and then a few teenage boys and that's it.

His work colleague is younger but is in a long term realtionship and has just bought a flat with his partner. His friend who he has told about us is also married with 4 kids - he is younger than my H and really looks up to him and comes to him for advise - he apparently didn't know what to say.

I thought I knew what I would have told a friend in this situation before but I no longer know. I need to hear from him what he thinks and feels - this weekend i will get to the botttom of whether he wants this to work. If he does we can try and fix it and if he admits this weekend that he doesn't he will go! Once we get that far I can the deicde what I want too. Until we get that 1st obstacle out of the way how can I know what I need to get my head round - that's the problem I am in limbo and that's what I think is shitty of him in all of this. I am hoping there are other underlying rreasons for the other things he has said which are causing him to rewrite history.

OP posts:
sternface · 16/05/2012 12:07

That's why knowing about an affair is a helpful thing. All of a sudden there's a reason for the behaviour. Knowing too that when people have affairs, some of them re-write history and claim to have been never happy in the marriage helps too. It means you can take what he says with a pinch of salt and that it's the lust and romance of a new relationship talking and not the truth.

The really cruel thing about the history re-writing aspect of some affairs is that it ruins the partner's memories and causes them to doubt their own judgement.

But at least with an affair, terrible though it is to deal with, you can say that he is not of sound mind right now - affairs are often like a temporary insanity - and hang on to your memories.

LenLovesSue · 16/05/2012 12:57

Fwiw I tend to agree with OP that it seems likely he is not having an affair at this moment in time but I do think he may have met someone in RL or online who has 'turned his head'.

But that is NOT the pressing issue. He is treating you like crap Lois, refusing to talk because he doesn't feel like it, saying "I don't know" all the time...he needs to shape up or ship out and you need to try and galvanise yourself into that mindset.

If he wanted to fix your marriage why would it be taking him so long to say so? I think you need to stop worrying about looking like the baddy in this situation, YOU WON'T. Tell someone, tell some of the friends who think you're such an amazing couple. You haven't done anything wrong.

He is not acting like a man who WANTS to fix this, or is even willing to try. He should be instigating talking to you, not dismissing your need to discuss things. He doesn't deserve any "space", the time for that would have been before - he should have decided what he wanted before he turned your world upside down and hurt your feelings this way.

YOU need some space, away from his "poor tortured me" schtick, to decide what you are prepared to put up with.

I think he needs to go until he is clearer about what he is prepared to do and I would cancel the holiday or make sure his ticket can be transferred. You can always rebook later if things change but as it stands you are not going to have a happy family holiday with this man.

KirstyWirsty · 16/05/2012 13:04

Transfer his ticket to a friend - I know from experience that cancelling/changing a holiday costs a lot of money!

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 13:43

he's asked me to get some surgical tape to strap his toes tonight - he isn't that clever to be covering up an affair!!

Let him get his own fucking tape or let his feet bleed!

complexo · 16/05/2012 14:39

I have been in similar situation but my ex was the art martial class teacher and he had few females admirers which enhanced his narcissism. I knew all of them as I was attending the classes too and there was one of them I knew for sure would do whatever it takes to seduce him. Obviously she pretended she was my best friend so she could spend more time with him...and obviously I was getting more and more confused and doubting myself, ultimately opening his eyes to her as I couldn't believe how advanced she was towards him even in front of me. Obviously when he noticed her interest and my jealousy he loved all the attention and drama and start calling me crazy and pushing me away from the classes...but this is my story, bottom line is before they started their affair, he went on and on saying how the sparkle had gone (my faulty obviously) and how he didn't have any good memories with me to hang on to now that we were going through a rough time. And everything with me was completely wrong to the extent of me having to shave my hair off as he couldn't agree with any hair style I tried and was ahead f my hair (I must say my hair was my best feature and he used to absolutely worship it). So I guess OP that your husband is trying to undermine you so you reach the bottom and kick him out or you give him a reason to kick you out so he can start a new life with other woman, other man or alone. I wish he could do it in a nicer way.

complexo · 16/05/2012 14:39

I have been in similar situation but my ex was the art martial class teacher and he had few females admirers which enhanced his narcissism. I knew all of them as I was attending the classes too and there was one of them I knew for sure would do whatever it takes to seduce him. Obviously she pretended she was my best friend so she could spend more time with him...and obviously I was getting more and more confused and doubting myself, ultimately opening his eyes to her as I couldn't believe how advanced she was towards him even in front of me. Obviously when he noticed her interest and my jealousy he loved all the attention and drama and start calling me crazy and pushing me away from the classes...but this is my story, bottom line is before they started their affair, he went on and on saying how the sparkle had gone (my faulty obviously) and how he didn't have any good memories with me to hang on to now that we were going through a rough time. And everything with me was completely wrong to the extent of me having to shave my hair off as he couldn't agree with any hair style I tried and was ahead f my hair (I must say my hair was my best feature and he used to absolutely worship it). So I guess OP that your husband is trying to undermine you so you reach the bottom and kick him out or you give him a reason to kick you out so he can start a new life with other woman, other man or alone. I wish he could do it in a nicer way.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 15:02

And everything with me was completely wrong to the extent of me having to shave my hair off as he couldn't agree with any hair style I tried

Did I read that wrong or did you shave your hair off?

complexo · 16/05/2012 15:08

I shaved my hair off as I couldn't stand him criticising my hair anymore despite all the effort I was putting in to find the right hair style for him. Before OW he would love my hair in any and every way.

complexo · 16/05/2012 15:08

I shaved my hair off as I couldn't stand him criticising my hair anymore despite all the effort I was putting in to find the right hair style for him. Before OW he would love my hair in any and every way.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 15:10

OMG! (that's the first time I have ever written that ever!)

The right hair style for HIM?!

Did it look good shaved? Some people can carry it off a lot better then others I think.

Greatauntirene · 16/05/2012 15:54

Lots of good advice here.

Just wanted to say I've been married over 30 years and that on a good few occasions if someone had waved divorce papers in front of me I would have signed them in a flash. So advise not doing anything hasty.

If sex is not great for either or both of you that needs fixed if possible.

complexo · 16/05/2012 16:52

it didn't look that bad and he was very proud of himself to have the confirmation of the power he had upon me. The sad thing is, my hair was waist length at that time and 7.5 years down the line, it never grew that long again. It is now on my shoulders. Either him or OW must have cursed my hair...and BTW she was very jealous of my hair and she said it herself when she first met me.

crowface · 16/05/2012 18:16

Blimey complexo, that's Shock

I'm a bit Marsha Brady myself, "cut my hair?" Slap.

arthriticfingers · 16/05/2012 18:19

Jeez complexo Shock

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 21:30

Complexo how could shaving off your best feature that OW was jealous of help?!!! Confused

complexo · 16/05/2012 21:43

Well, I was in a very bad place I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted not to be bullied about my hair anymore. But he also were criticizing the widith of my ankles becuase he knew there was nothing I could do to fix this problem...(before it was never an issue)...he would pick the clothes I should wear when going out with him so he wouldn't be embarassed being with me (clothes that he bought himself) but obviously even though I was a size 8, the clothes would not fit well because my body wasn't 'perfect' of course...
It is a long story of a controlling and abusive relationship that left me totally broken and affects me even to this very day. Shame I was young and lost all my ability to love again and be romantic....I became a cold bitter cow.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 21:47

Complexo. Sad

How awful! He sound a terrible man. How are you now?

complexo · 16/05/2012 21:54

I should say there is absolutely nothing wrong with my ankles. They are normal!

Now I am married and have a child. But I am still not over it. I am over him after years and years of loads of mixed feelings and I am glad I don't blame myself anymore for the failure of the relationship, but I am slowly still recovering from the whole experience...sometimes out of the blue I have insights that makes me understand better what has happened and it helps healing. But I am very cold towards my current husband and even though he loves me, I don't love him and I feel I will never love again.

complexo · 16/05/2012 21:55

And funny thing is, people see the ex as an amazing human being. I don't thing nobody knows this dark side of him

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 21:57

Oh honey that's so sad. Easy for me to say but don't let him give you a life sentence. Have you tried CBT?

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 22:00

Im sure you ankles are lovely! Smile

It sounds like you really need counselling to get to the bottom of it all.

complexo · 16/05/2012 22:09

I sure need counselling. What is CBT?
I just think that sometimes it is ok to pretend everything is fine and I don't need to spend my precious time and money talking to a counseller about HIM. And English is not even my first language so express myself is so difficult most of the time...
I feel like if I go do counselling he is still winning...

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 22:15

Cognitive behavioural therapy. It's not just counselling. It changes completely how you think about the issue so you can deal with it. He has won if you live the rest of your life like this.

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