Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

It's not dull or long.

football does not make someone aggressive who is not an aggressive person.

So it's not football.

It's him.

What is very concerning is that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

It's like someone saying that drink makes them do X.

It doesn't.

football - or alcohol - cannot alter your personality. They cannot make you do anything that it is not in you to do.

Don't let him convince you this is anything other than him

Nothing "makes" your H aggressive. He chooses to shout and rant at you.

It is not dull. It is very very hurtful. I'm so sorry you went through that: you didn't deserve it.

What a total over-reaction!!! Anyone who can make the children cry and object when the mother shields them by taking them out of the room is utterly selfish. It's a game and he has got it out of all proportion, if his team have made his life a misery for 30 years it isn't you he should be shouting at.

Totally confirms all my prejudices about football fans. :(

I would be very very furious and it would be a long way back into my good books after that.

The match uncorked a bottle did it. In that case I am not much liking the contents of said bottle and would be putting it out with the recycling. Sorry your DH is such an arse - it wouldn't be so bad if he apologised, but if he can't even see the problem with what he did to you and the children that is even worse than the fact that he did it in the first place!!

You can't blame football for someone being a knob.

We are a football obsessed house and yes things do get tense especially when their team are on but what you describe has never happened here and sounds worrying behaviour from your H to be honest.

Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care ... and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me.

This sounds more like an apt description of his behaviour.

Football didn't put a gun to his head and say "terrify your wife and children"

Is he a Manchester City or United fan ?

"Is it normal?"

I don't know about normal but the police will tell you that DV incidents rise sharply during/after big football matches. Emotions run high and alcohol is a major factor. Some people don't need much of an excuse..

'Normal' IME would be to yell with delight at the result, accidentally make the little ones cry and them immediately scoop them up with apologies for being so noisy and saying things like 'I didn't mean to frighten you' and trying to make them laugh .... not turn on your wife and accuse her of spoiling the moment.

What an awful, pitiful excuse of a man. What right does he have to treat you like that? This post has made me so angry. Sorry OP, nobody should speak to you like that, least of all your husband. And to do it in front of your children... Complete wanker.

Pudsey the dog won BGT, I was that ecstatic I headbutted the other half!

on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. ... i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that

OK, so he would stand over his footie team, hate burning from his eyes, and scream at THEM for something you or DC had done? I don't think so.

You didn't overreact by taking the children out of the room. It was the only sane thing to do.

I'm very sorry this happened.

He's not entitled to take his frustrations out on you and the kids. Ever.

XH1 cared more about Newcastle United than me. It turned out he cared about several things more than me (mainly his own ego). It's quite a blow when you realise :(

How are things now? Is he grovelling massively?

Hmm. Football can be very very important and having an OH show no interest in the BIGGEST RESULT OF THE DECADE would make you seem uncaring imo.

His reaction was obviously over the top in a big way, but it is understandable that he was miffed by your lack of apparent interest. He might have liked it if you'd watched with him for example, but you could have at least celebrated with him. No excuse for being vile to you though.

Had he had a beer or two during the game as well?

O2BNormal - really? Sound like he didn't give her a chance to be pleased at the win, and he certainly was more than "miffed". This is not normal behaviour.

No of course the reaction's not normal, which is why I asked about the beer. The feeling that his DW could at least show a bit of interest isn't unreasonable though and I suspect he might have a different version of events.

Football does lead to peculiar behaviour among otherwise "normal" people. Doesn't excuse it of course, but IMO it isn't uncommon.

thanks for all your replies everyone... In the middle of bath and bed times so will be back for a better response soon, promise!

A couple of beers were had, it was man city. I know its a very big deal in the football world but was trying to stay out of the way rather than get involved if you see what i mean, as he knows i dont share the interest but am always happy for him if they win etc.

and no, still not apologetic. Still blaming the football and still thinks i am overreacting. Says its like being married to a child when i tried to hurry dd off the computer so he could watch the parade as i didnt want any more trouble.

What? HE says it's like being married to a child? He who threw a raging tantrum when you didn't get excited enough about him winning "his" game and acted like he hated you when you told him to quieten down?

Projection, much?

O2BN - Then you know twats.

It's not helpful but if my DH had even started on that shit he would have been hustled away from my kids and handed his balls on a plate. He would be left in no doubt that the kids are more important than football and if he tries anything so fucking stupid again and doesn't undo the problem he caused he'll be living with anyone who will take him off the street. Nobody makes my children cry out of fear and gets to walk away from it, least of all their father.

On a more helpful note, you were not to blame for spoiling anything. He is at fault here and the fact he is unrepentant is not on. You and your children deserve an apology. You are very much in the right to explain that this is not acceptable, appropriate behaviour that you will tolerate. And I would be making it clear, as you don't mention his normal self in great detail but giving it the benefit of the doubt, he will be watching the football elsewhere if he can't control himself like an adult. You are not his mother and are not required to give him smiles and hand claps when he is happy. Adults have separate interests, you clearly say you are happy for him when they win, and he watches the games without interruption. Doghouse (being generous) until he accepts his vileness. What do you think you will do op?

I just cant seem to reason with him on this. I wasnt trying to spoil his 'moment' or downplay how important it is to him, only comforting the children and was happy to let him continue his celebrations. He was the one that followed me out with his bloody uncorked bottle and let rip. We tried to talk about it last night and he said 'well its not like you just sat there and said nothing, you were answering me i seem to remember' but he couldnt remember what either of us had said... The only things I had chance to say were, 'just stop shouting at me' and 'I dont know what I've done wrong' in between his rants. I just scooped up the kids and walked out because he wouldnt stop. My dd also said 'stop shouting at her' to which he growled at her to shut up.

Sorry, not meaning to drip feed but busy time of night here!

Thats what I said to him Nic, he can love the football as much as he likes but when it negatively affects the real people in his life who have to live with him then its just not on, especially the children. He says i dont understand and never will. He isnt normally like this no, which is what made it more scary I think. Not a clue how to deal with it really. Like i say, he thinks Im being childish for being so upset by it

"I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me."
"Says its like being married to a child"
"he thinks Im being childish for being so upset by it"

So far all of these things apply perfectly to him. He is the one getting so upset and overreacting and behaving in a horrible, childish fashion and forgetting about his wife and child because of a stupid football match (and I was absolutely bloody thrilled yesterday, but I wouldn't have a go at my DP and children because of their reaction!). All of the things he's launched at you describe him perfectly!

To be honest, it's a hobby - why should his wife share the interest? If you don't you don't, and if that is a problem he can always watch it down the pub or at a mates where no-one will 'spoil' the atmosphere. If he doesn't like being in a house where all people under the roof are not breathing it like he is - he can use a different roof can't he?
The fact he doesn't see that, says more about his attitude to his family than it does about his interest!
If you are happy for him when his team wins that should be enough or does he want you to fake super-mega-delight. Would he want you to fake your orgasms too?
If he was married to me - he'd be lucky if I even registered the match had happened never mind paid the slightest attention to who had won and the poster who said you could at least have celebrated - well you could have done, but you can't pretend you give a monkeys if you don't so it'd all be false delight, you have already said you're happy for him - a grown man would be satisfied with that. It's not like he is actually playing in the match - then you could celebrate but your interest would be the fact your guy had done well not the match itself IYSWIM
I have various interests which float my boat but not my DH's - I don't accuse him of being unsupportive just because he isn't gripped by my interests.
I detest this sort of behaviour - it's selfish, childish and bullying.

Maybe he's feeling guilty and ashamed for his behaviour and is just trying to deflect because of defensiveness.
I can't say I'm not sceptical though tbh, although I openly admit to being a little 'one strike and you're out' irt children and this type of behaviour. I realise I can be touchy about it and how my immediate response is often not the most practical. I do try to check I don't go overboard on my replies. For many second chances have worked out brilliantly.

The biggest stumbling block for me is his lack of remorse. You can't change what's done but I would be sitting him down and saying if you can look into the faces of your children while they're sobbing and saying stop because of your actions, look at your wife and still carry on and then think your behaviour is ok then we need to have a serious discussion because I will not stand for that. I would tell him how shameful it was, not because it made me cry (although yes!) but for his children. I don't really know what else to suggest. Because I can't see any other way I would deal with it. My DH has never done anything like it but I wouldn't be able to let this go particularly as it was football, not life and death, football. He'd be on the bloody sofa no doubt about that. I wouldn't even be able to give two shits if he sulked tbh, I would be furious that he did that. He made his children so scared of him they cried - he did it in anger. Noises etc startling them is one thing, a hug and a laugh would sort it out but this is not ok. If he doesn't see that he is either guilty, thick or a nasty man.

I honestly don't know as it sounds like you just butt heads but I would be reluctant to back down over this. Just so he gets no notion he can start behaving this way. Hopefully a more sensible poster will offer some constructive advice. My DH would be so horrified he did something that made me cry or remove the children from him - he may well avoid me until he could face it but no remorse?

NinocJnr well said. Think I was trying to say that but ended up ranting instead! :)

From another footy mad household - my Ex was a twat for the screaming at the TV while watching his team but never did he make our Ds's cry/upset. I think sometimes it can be an outlet of stress for them to go crazy at the TV pretty fucked up but hey :@

He was out of order but he shouldn't make you feel bad for not "sharing" his enthusiasm, he behaved like a wanker.
Next time make him go out to watch football.