Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

Just report your post and ask for it to be deleted.

He checks the online shopping when you do it before he pays?

Yes, but more to make sure I've not spent too much than I've got the right things.... is that worse or better? I feel really silly now

Wow, your problems are a lot more than football related. You seem to have accidentally married a complete dick. I would suggest counselling, but the ladies on here may help open your eyes a bit more too, because from what you have put here, he doesn't respect you at all.

I've always thought that if there are problems, it's down to me.

I am so, so glad that you are beginning to question that.

Oh pet you are a grown up, surely you can tell if you've spent too much or bought what you need yourself?

And if you forget toothpaste, would the world end?

I usually do our shopping, at the shop don't like online, and if I forget something dh smiles, rolls his eyes and puts his shoe on...

He has been eroding your confidence for a long time. It's no wonder you don't feel " good enough" to be affectionate with him.

Please don't feel silly. He's put a lot of time and effort into getting you here while you have been busy having babies and trying to keep everyone happy.

*shoes. He has two of them!

more to make sure I've not spent too much than I've got the right things

Surely you can agree a sensible budget between you? FWIW, my DH and I 'co-shop' (a term I have just invented) online, in that I put in the bits I can think of and then he tops it up with whatever he wants or that he can see from looking in the fridge is needed. (He is a SAHD). He might check if a particular thing is a bit pricey but that's because I keep track of the joint account, not because I earn 90% of all the money that goes into said joint account!

Returning to his email, do you think you're constantly running him down or only paying him attention when you want something doing?

The 'fund your lifestyle' comment makes me - it seems pretty obvious he doesn't value your contribution now it isn't monetary. That's a big problem. That he needs to sort out.

"to make sure I've not spent too much than I've got the right things.... is that worse or better?"

both are just as bad.
he doesnt trust you he demeans you.
he doesnt value your role in bringing up your joint children.

get hold of why does he do that and have a read
and should i stay or go lundy bancroft latest book

www.amazon.co.uk/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-Be/dp/042523889X/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2

but dont tell him you reading - read and inform yourself on what yes is not normal in your relatonship - not just one off football rage is it ? most is subtle.

and he is setting you up so he can follow in his parents foosteps but it will be you fault of course (but frankly you migh be better off...)

Returning to his email, do you think you're constantly running him down or only paying him attention when you want something doing?

I don't know. If I do, then I don't mean to. It's hard to knoww what to say, because if I ask him to do something around the house, or do something in a certain way then I'm seen as nagging him or having a go. But if I ever question why he's not done something or is doing it differently than I would have, it's because I didn't ask/tell him to do it or I haven't given him enough instruction. He does do things off his own back if he remembers and especially helps with bedtime with the little ones when he's home, it's not like he sits on his backside doing nothing all the time. If he's busy on the computer, I tend to leave him to it though, I can't really sit down with him and cuddle up.

I like the 'co-shopping' idea tribpot, I think that's what we are trying to do. But it's turned out more like I'll do the whole shop and he'll take things out if they're luxuries, like bottles of wine or whatever, that we don't need. He does pick things up during the week though, as he works in a town centre, so has easy access to the shops.

I was also annoyed at the 'funding my lifestyle'. As far as I'm concerned, it's our lifestyle as a family, not just mine. I want us all to enjoy a holiday, not just me. I would like us to own our own home together and not rent any more, it would be a benefit to us all, not just me. As it is, the house deposit money has been saved up by my family for us, so although the mortgage would be based on his salary, we wouldn't be able to do anything without the deposit.

God, I do feel silly, what have I let happen under my nose for so long? And only now, this bloody football thing has happened, am I even starting to piece things together.

Lots of reading to do, thank you cest

Sorry to add to your booklist OP, but this book was invaluable in helping me to recognize verbal abuse.

One thing it taught me: You are going through the events trying to work out if you were over-reacting, over-sensitive or if there was anything you could have done to make it go differently. But even if you had been guilty of the things he accused you of, you still didn't deserve the treatment you got. His reaction was totally out of proportion to the sin that he thinks you committed.

One of the problems with verbal abuse is that it's much harder to pinpoint than physical because there is no tangible evidence, but it stems from the same need to control. The fact that he is trying to make YOU feel guilty re. your treatment of him is actually quite common.

So, I hate to sound all Will Hunting about it, but seriously it's not your fault! Hope you work it out.

He does do things off his own back if he remembers

Which makes everything on his terms. A bit like his email. Does he have any suggestion about how you can remind him about jobs that need doing without it being nagging or 'your fault' for failing to supply full instructions (WTF is he on a youth apprenticeship scheme?)?

he'll take things out if they're luxuries, like bottles of wine or whatever

That is definitely not co-shopping. That is policing of one partner by the other. How did you organise finances when you were working?

I do feel silly, what have I let happen under my nose for so long?

It is very, very easy to do. There is no need to blame yourself, esp given you have been suffering under a weight of blame about this entire relationship for a long time.

2scompany,

re your comment:-

"He is a good dad and is involved with the children"

No, he is not a good dad if he treats you, his wife, like this.

Women often write that sort of comment as well when they themselves have nothing at all positive to say about their man.

Emotional abuse of all types is insidious in its onset; do not blame yourself for not noticing this earlier.

Do read the books you have been recommended and have sole counselling.

everyone thinks they're right, initially , surely?

I used to!

Does he have any suggestion about how you can remind him about jobs that need doing without it being nagging or 'your fault' for failing to supply full instructions (WTF is he on a youth apprenticeship scheme?)?

Nope - I said then it is impossible for me to win one way or the other, but he had no answer for that.

How did you organise finances when you were working?

We just kept them separate, but he's always paid for the big stuff like rent, council tax etc. We were living apart for a while for work reasons and I had my own house, paid all my own bills (including rent etc). He was lodging in a house during the week and with us on the weekends, so would help out with food shopping and sometimes other bills if I was a bit short. But, again, I would always try to pay him back.

Messy, what did you do? Did you work on the relationship or leave?

Trouble is, I have no means of supporting myself or the children, so I can't just up and leave if it ever came to that. He mentioned he would leave on Sunday, what with me not loving him any more and all that.

I will start on that first book. I need a plan of action. I just seem to be moaning about him more and more now I'm not meaning to cherry pick information, it's just the more everyone says things, the more it brings back little memories of various conversations DH and I've had recently.

But, again, I would always try to pay him back.

But you were married. Can you see how strange this reads now? I do know married couples without children who keep their finances very separate; it seems a bit odd but hey ho - different strokes for different folks and all that. But you had children to support. So odd - like he was a friend lending a hand when he could.

Trouble is, I have no means of supporting myself or the children

OK, well here's the CSA calculator for maintenance.

Once you've got that figure, have a go on the CAB benefit calculator.

It never hurts to know your facts.

Surely, at worst, he has to support his own children.
And you could find a job and he would then have to pay his share of the child care, or he should pay you to do the child care.

"help out with food shopping and sometimes other bills if I was a bit short"...you are maried to him and have a family with him .

I've just realised 2sC, you might not know (as I didn't!) that, when you're married, all your family assets are owned jointly and equally. That's any equity in the house, any savings & pensions, etc, and money in the bank.

It would not actually include money gifted to YOU personally by your family. So if you've still got that, tell them to hang onto it for a while.

Do you see? All this "my money" stuff is legally unsustainable.

Also, "your" children are BOTH your children and he's responsible towards them until they finish school. This is why the mother usually gets the house - if she's the main child-carer, the kids get to live in their own home until they're grown up.

Thanks garlic. I do see... Although we dont own anything or have any savings to speak of. Only our cars and furniture. The family money is still with my family as we havent found a house so far. Dh has a pension, I think, but I dont have anything like that. I sound so bloody naive dont I? Annoyed with myself now

Nowhere near as naive as I was!

Can you photocopy his pension statement or contract? I bet he knows you'd be entitled to claim on it if you divorced.

Sorry, photocopy at home? Scan & print, or just write down the provider and contract number.

If I knew where any of that stuff was it would be a start! Will have to have a snoop about tomorrow.

We have just sat in silence for the last couple of hours. I know he is waiting for me to apologise. Especially as he made a point of sitting next to me on the sofa which he rarely does.

I left .......... eventually

It's hard cos you get caught up in the murkiness of it all, in the accusations, the justifications and you just want to repeat the situation to make it come out right this time.... to make him see that you weren't making fun of him, belittling him, doubting his word... but it never does. It's crazy-making.

Sorry I don't know enough about your situation to give you proper advice, but do read that book - if you recognize your own situation in it, it's very helpful.

Sorry I don't know enough about your situation to give you proper advice

I don't even know enough about my situation. I didn't even realise I had a situation 'til now All the things that you mention are ringing bells for me though. I'm still not convinced our problems aren't really down to me either.

Did you ever think it was a relationship worth saving messy? I mean, do they even realise or admit that they are treating you badly? DH is currently telling me I'm in denial that our problems are my fault and I need to accept that I am the problem... and this is stil by email as we can't seem to talk in person to one another