Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

This is NOT YOUR FAULT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

So think about someone you love - one of your children, maybe, or your best friend. Say you've not been getting along lately. She says "I'm feeling upset about this, I miss you and want to know how we can fix things. Are you OK to talk?" How would you feel? How would you want that talk to go?

I would feel sad that she was upset and, I must admit, wonder what I've done to cause it. I would hope that we could each put our 'side to the story' as it were, both apologise, have a good talk and come to a mutual agreement as to how we can improve the situation together.

Although I don't seem to know what's right from wrong any more

Thanks for keeping talking to me garlic and everyone... feel a bit like I've opened a can of worms and can't put them back now. Been trying to read through some of the websites mentioned earlier too - lots of things ringing bells for me

So, DH is telling you that the problems in your relationship are down to you. Does he want to finish to relationship?

sorry, finish the relationship?

It's upsetting to read that stuff and recognise your life, 2sC. I don't know about you, but I was constantly shocked to the bone and kept wondering how I'd let it happen! Obv, you don't "let it". Selfish people pick unselfish partners, the better to manipulate them. Keep reading & talking when you can stand it - lots of people here have been through similar.

I don't know messy he doesn't actually say that, but that because I don't express love in my actions or behaviour, he doesn't feel loved and thinks it will only be a matter of time before I chuck him out. The only reason I haven't is because I'm financially dependent on him. I don't know what he wants me to do apart from change my ways and make sure he feels more loved and appreciated.

You're right garlic, it's just weird at the moment because I never thought it of him, let alone myself.

I don't know what he wants me to do apart from change my ways

And yet when you have asked for specific guidance on how you can change your ways (resolve the issue over how to ask for help / remind him of jobs that need doing) he had no advice on how this could be done. Why is that?

One possible reason is because he wants to find fault, that whatever you did could never be good enough because he's looking for a reason to blame you for the breakdown of the relationship.

Consider the original incident that started this thread. Your child was frightened by a loud noise and so you removed the child from the noise. And that was your fault.

tribpot of course you are right and i have to try not to lose sight of that. I have offered for Dh and i to sit down and have a proper discussion about what duties are expected by who. Knowing a little of the expected responses and behaviours that i do now, I will see what, if anything transpires. I dont know if this is a good idea or not but now I know a few signs to look for it may help me get my head a bit more organised.

Maybe??

DH is currently telling me I'm in denial that our problems are my fault and I need to accept that I am the problem...

This seems like you're being sent to your room to think about your crimes until you understand what you've done wrong. Why, do you suppose, is he so certain that this is all your fault? It's not a very reasoned way to make his point, even if he is absolutely convinced this is all down to you. His counter-argument if you say it may not be? "You are in denial". Okay. Or it might not be. And both possibilities are valid. I think he does not want to find solutions.

The money thing seems central to him - and you have sustained this rather strange separation of finances since the start of your relationship I think. As such it may not seem in hindsight like the most functional of financial relationships in which to have moved the goalposts to allow you to stay at home with your dc. However - god knows, given you made the decision (and the children) together it was reasonable to suppose he would step up to his responsibilities. I also think the 'you're going to leave me' prediction is deliberately designed to make it impossible for you to do so because then he'll play the 'I told you so, you were just using me for money' card.

From what you've said, a direct conversation with him about household responsibilities will not resolve anything except to give you yet more criticisms you feel you have to solve on your own. It also accepts that the premise of his resentment is valid - that the real problem is you ask him to do stuff in the house. Therefore the solution is for you not to ask him to do stuff in the house.

This man loves control, and makes you responsible for any negative feelings he has, because he's not able to deal with his own failings.

He is controlling you financially and trying to make you feel grateful for it. 'Funding your lifestyle'? Why is he not grateful to you for looking after his children to allow him to go to work. The next time he says that, say OK, child care is £x, pay for that and I'll get a job. And he's being greedy and selfish taking the wage increase when your tax credits have been cut to compensate. The reason they're worked out based on family income is that salary and tax credits are meant to be shared by the family.

He treats you like a child wrt the shopping. He's allowed to buy whatever he wants in town, but you can't even do a food shop without him 'checking your work'.

When he feels bad about something, anything, he blames you. He lets out a roar and makes his children cry, feels guilty? so he blames you. WTAF? You did nothing wrong. To then shout at you with babes in arms and tell his own DD to shut up? And he's still blaming you for leaving the room?

And because he's not getting enough sex, he's criticising you again. Has he not realised that a) you must be knackered with a large family and a young baby, b) the way he's behaving, no woman in her right mind would want to sleep with him, c) he's distant with you in the evenings and expects to jump straight to sex?

I would advise against couples counselling. Bad news in this situation. Get some for yourself first, and get into WA.

Thank you all for your replies. I have taken a few days away from the thread to try and sort my head out. I more or less had myself convinced that I am twisting things to make him DH seem worse than he really is. Surely I must take some of the blame for letting things get so bad between us. I was sure all you lovely people were jumping to conclusions, I cant possibly be a 'victim'... Well I am gradually being proved otherwise I think.

We managed to sit down together on Thursday night, just the two of us. I tried to bring up the subject of household tasks at least 3 times but somehow we ended up talking about the football a lot and trivial things and didnt get anything sorted out.

Saturday we all went shopping together to do a 'big shop' but I still ended up giving him money towards it.

Tonight he has come into the kitchen and complained I didn't pour him a glass of wine when I poured myself one. Then stood in the corner with his arms folded and a face like thunder. I made the fatal mistake of asking what was wrong... He is fed up of the way DD talks to him. He doesnt slog his guts out to be spoken to like that, he demands respect. It is my fault for not disciplining her enough or effectively. I said she is 10 and hormonal, no excuse I know, but some explanation and lots of 10 year old girls are like that, she will grow out of it. No, he does not agree, it is only her and I need to do something about it. I asked what he thought I should do and he had no suggestion, just huffed and puffed about why I am always turning it back on him. (he is DDs step father btw)

All I have seen over the last few days are the signs and traits everyone has mentioned and I read about online. I really thought I was just being paranoid, making connections that werent really there, but after tonight I am having to think again. Now what happens? What do I do? I dont know if I can get my head around it all

Dear *2's"...you have had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" for me I was in shock for a few days after I had really seen what was going on, so don't be surprised if you sort-of shut down a little for a while.

This was my way of dealing with it: I read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" and some of the links at the top of this thread Emotional abuse thread 8.

I went to the women's aid website and eventually called them and talked through my situation. This convinced me to make a safety plan and 2 months after my "lightbulb" went on I left.

Things may work out differently for you and you should of course make your own decisions re the future. But I strongly suggest you arm yourself with knowledge and be sure to take on board the wise words on your thread.

Abuse escalates over time, it adversely affects the children's emotional development in the short term and in the long term affects their relationships and their interaction with the world. Protecting them from him is virtually impossible as you have already found out. You deserve better, and so do they.

be kind to yourself: there are many of us who have stood where you are now. You will find the strength and courage to move forward...dig deep and try to emotionally detach if you can.

XXfool

Thanks fool. I am really at a loss right now. Now my lightbulb is on, so to speak, there just seems more and more incidents every day. This evening DD was in tears because she thought she'd got me into trouble with DH. I could go on but theres no point boring anyone with the details.

How did you find the strength to get out? I feel a bit of a fraud talking to WA, there are far worse off women than me that need them.

Sorry for the long time between replies... Really confused about everything and trying to order my thoughts a bit before posting. Any and all advice gratefully received whilst I am waiting for that book!

I'm glad you've come back to the thread, 2sCompany. It's bound to be very difficult to challenge your preconceptions about your relationship, even if you ultimately had decided things were okay. They don't sound like they are, not at all.

You don't have to make a decision right away, as it doesn't sound like your situation is (yet) intolerable to you, although I worry about the stress your dd may be under, which sounds pretty awful.

I assume the central problem you would have with making any changes (beyond the obvious that he will not accept any blame or requirement to change) is that presumably if you asked him to move out, even for a trial period, he would simply refuse. On the other hand, you do have an ace up your sleeve in that your family could help you out with a deposit you wouldn't be completely stuck, housing-wise.

Can you talk to your family about this? Friends in real life? You may be surprised at what people have noticed that they're not saying. The idea that everyone loves these guys in public is often a polite myth (that they encourage).

I have a friend coming over tomorrow who I think I will try and talk to about it all. I already mentioned the football incident to her the other day. I just feel embarrassed about it though. Its great getting everyones help and advice on here as you can just look at the facts and be completely impartial. But those who know me in RL, well I think they would not expect me to have let this happen. Not that they would blame me, but I dont know if anyone has any experience or knowledge. Guess I wont know 'til I ask.

My mum is also aware, as I went to her house with the children after the football thing. I was still in tears and told her he was shouting at me.

I feel like I need to do something, for all our sakes. But I also feel like everything is happening all of a sudden. I dont know if I would ask him to leave. We live in my home town and he has no real friends he could go to. It would make more sense for me to go to my mum with the children. But she is only up the road, so I wouldnt exactly be escaping far.

well done for keeping on looking at the truth 2's it's hard to see the relationship you thought you had shown up in this way. It is also very very difficult to get out of the habit of self blaming and excusing him.

The tension between what you now see and what you thought you had can be exhausting. And I know you are still doing all the usual stuff as well.

I am glad you will talk to a RL friend and share your new insights. She may or may not "get it". For people who have been there it is so clear, for those who have never seen abuse at work it can be difficult to understand. I hope she does and will be a rock at this time of upheaval.

Do talk to Women's Aid. Abuse is abuse...physical scars and bruises are not the only injuries of abuse, the emotional ones take much longer to heal and they know this. Abuse is rampant in our society and the only way we can stop it is to try to protect the next generation by teaching them how to have good normal, healthy relationships.

The roller coaster you have joined is frightening but you are a strong and intelligent woman. You will find a way through. keep arming yourself with knowledge and make sure that you keep a phone on you. One of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship is when the abused "open's their eyes".

If you want practical help with what to sort out if you plan to leave then please ask or you can PM me.

Keep posting when it helps.

PS where he goes is not the point: where you need to end up is.

hope you are ok OP.

Hope you are ok too OP. Like many others on here, I've been through the confused stage and then the shocked phase - it is normal. In my case I started getting panic attacks, I felt that I was the crazy one and that I was making things up about H. That I was unstable (I was a bit as I had pnd), over-reacting and over-sensitive.
Counselling would help you sort out what you are feeling and why.
Thinking of you and your dc.

Yes I am ok thank you. Just not had chance to get on the computer to write a proper reply. Its a pain in the bum on my phone!

Talked to friend today, so feel a bit better for that. No further forward on getting my head straight or decision making. Still havent ordered my book as I dont want it to come when Dh is here.

Thank you fool for your help and advice, very much appreciated. And tribpot and everyone for talking to me. You have no idea how helpful you have been. amverytired That is exactly how I feel too. I have suffered with depression in the (distant) past, so I have just assumed it is all down to me being slightly mad. Can I just go to my GP to ask for counselling? Will they ask what its for?

Will get on the computer and write a better reply tomorrow. If only for my own sake to work out whats going on!

2s, I think you really need that book. Can you order it to pick up at a branch of Waterstone's? Equally, if you don't want him to know you have it (which is understandable), can you keep it somewhere else, at your friend's house maybe?

Your gp will just need to know youve hit a low and need help sorting it. There will likely be an assesment by a counsellor at some later point. That was my experience.

I will get it ordered on next day delivery for when I know he wont be here. Will ask friend to keep it for me. I dont live near any Waterstones unfortunately.

Just had a quick read of the 'warning signs' thread. And found myself nodding along Didnt realise an early declaration of love was a common one.... It was our 3rd date.