Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

Wowwww.

We love football here and are frequently found screaming at tv if we are losing animated about it but I can't imagine either of us being like that if we won. Grumpy and quiet if we lose yes but that's wrong.

Wass he drinking?
Has this type of thing happened before?

It's strange strange behaviour. My DH would have been jumping round the room trying to hug everyone!

I may be totally wrong, but I assumed they were jumping around the room celebrating. I'd imagined dad & son doing that knees-bent, air-punching rooooar, followed by lots of jumping, chanting and doing the stomping thing with much shouting.

Which could be somewhat distressing to a feeding baby, who then cried, whose mother then asked the celebrants to turn the volume down - and got a barrage of abuse for her pains.

OP, I still can't get over what you said about the hate in his eyes :( What's going on with him??

... and that he's still in a strop. FFS, all he had to do was be very sorry and figure out where to watch the footie away from tiny ears.

It is, as others say, strange. (And this is from a woman who used to get walloped when the Toon lost.)

That's what I meant garlic - it would have been loud here but he would have been full of the love! There's something else wrong with him.

Just putting what he did to you to one side for a minute, he spoiled the day for himself, didn't he? And for your step son.

Does he have a habit of trying to spoil things? What happens if you go on holiday or for a day out that you've looked forward to for a long time? Or your birthday or Christmas? Does he take the shine off those days?

He was verbally abusive and threatening to you and three children.

And he thinks that's OK.

It really, really isn't.

I'd ask him to leave until he figured out what an utter cock he was yesterday.

Yes, they did do the jumping and screaming hug thing, which I was totally expecting. I didnt even complain about the noise, just took crying baby and toddler out with dd following and said 'youre making them cry' and closed the door so they could carry on with celebrating. I sat on the floor in the hall to accommodate both little ones on my lap. Dh was the one who then followed me out to rant at me. So yes, also spoiling the moment when father and son should have been enjoying it.

He had a couple of beers but was by no means drunk. He said that alcohol may have played a part. He is not normally aggressive but can be a stress-head. It was his eyes that worried me, I have never seen anything like it. They looked properly hate filled, or just off his rocker crazy, I cant describe it any other way.

Never really thought beyond that about special occasions. He did get very stressed when we stayed in a hotel for 1 night for mine and dds birthday, which rather took the shine off for me as i felt like i was hearding around 5 kids not 4

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies and advice... I was more or less convinced I really am overreacting and it was just a silly thing to be upset about.

I didnt even complain about the noise, just took crying baby and toddler out with dd following and said 'youre making them cry'

Do you think your behaviour was in fact passive-aggressive?

I still think your H's reaction was out of order. But if you look at your own feelings, were you bottling up what you really wanted (perhaps "I find you too noisy and want you to be quieter"), while feeling powerless to change things ("they'll never listen to me anyway"), and thus expressing the fact that you wanted them to be quieter indirectly rather than just coming out and saying so, in a way that allowed you to regain a feeling of control over the situation without any confrontation?

If you think there's any truth to that, please know that you would have been perfectly entitled to state what you wanted outright. Even at the risk of their saying no. It's usually better to be straight about what we actually want and feel.

No I don't think you are overreacting at all. I'm the football mad one in our house and there have been a few occasions where I've made DH jump by suddenly shouting at the telly and he can get a bit sulky then - but I always apologise for the disruption. I know that in the highly unlikely event that my team ever won the league I would be beside myself but the aggression this man showed is bizarre. I could, possibly, understand a bit of (selfish) thinking that maybe, just this once, you could have joined in the celebration and been happy for him but even if he did feel that the overreaction and inability to come down from the aggression is really really scary.

Even if you analyse the specifics of the match and how tense the situation was - certain failure to victory in the space of a minute, I can maybe, maybe forgive him going mental at the time (again I'm not really standing up for him, just giving a footie-mad perspective) but to not show any remorse or even understanding of your view afterwards is very worrying.

Surely, having made his children cry - albeit by accident/over-excitement - his very first thought should have been comforting them, so you could all enjoy in the moment.

Loud sudden noises are alarming to children, but they get used to it if they are reassured (speaking as someone who had a newborn whilst watching the '08 fa cup final ). I'd imagine your 10 year old could cope without being ushered from the room. Obviously his reaction was horrible. Could you have said "wow that's great! Can you keep it down a little now" ?

As hotdamn said, there would have been nothing wrong with telling him to quieten down after the initial furore. But an initial furore there would definitely be in this house.

Cases of domestic violence often increase after such big football events. What you had could be seen as domestic violence. His lack of remorse now is chilling and what he has done has affected the children as well.

I would have a word with Womens Aid and talk what happened through with them.

re this comment:-
"He said that alcohol may have played a part. He is not normally aggressive but can be a stress-head. It was his eyes that worried me, I have never seen anything like it".

It may well have lessen his inhibitions but it is still no excuse or justification for how he has acted. Usually verbally violent men utter such nonsense as justification for their actions.

"He did get very stressed when we stayed in a hotel for 1 night for mine and dds birthday, which rather took the shine off for me as i felt like i was hearding around 5 kids not 4"

He chooses to act like that, nothing else but him caused him to get so stressed. What did he do on that occasion?

As I said, I was expecting the cheer and excitement. I wasnt expecting the ranting and raving at me afterwards. I didnt force my 10 year old out of the room with us, she just followed! Looking back I can see how I could have come across as passive-aggressive, but it was certainly not intended. The only thing on my mind was to calm the little ones, which I was successfully doing before dh followed me into the hallway.

Our weekend away was mainly him complaining how expensive it was and how difficult the children were to control when all over excited and we should just sack it off and go home. It wasnt a relaxing weekend, but it never was going to be with all the kids, it was for them not us! He will raise his voice for a bit, then be quiet and moody for a bit, then forget about it. Im used to that, but this football thing was totally different.

Dont know if that is of any relevance in this case?!

it is relevant because the football thing wasnt just a one off, was it? - it was maybe a stronger manifestation of other similar behaviours and his resentment of you/the DC impinging on his life ...

start keeping a journal of his behaviour .

I agree, 2sC. Some people are just so self-centred, they're pretty well incapable of taking other people's feelings into consideration. When you live with such a person it's easy to miss it, because you develop a habit of making sure they feel okay so you only notice it when your anticipation of their wishes goes wrong - an example would be when taking DC out of the room wasn't enough; he would only be satisfied with full participation in his last-minute goal joy (from a 6-month-old?!)

This sort of thing is very bad for children. They intuitively learn that their feelings come last, and to feel guilty for showing their feelings before checking for approval.

I don't know whether this is going on in your family, but the most straightforward way to find out is, as cest says, to keep a journal.

Hi,

I know exactly what you mean about the nastiness and football "uncorking a bottle".

My dp is the most laid back person, he's funny and caring but football DOES turn him into an arse. I have seen it, it does happen. It's the same and going to see a football match, people DO get swept away with the mob mentality and CAN make someone do something they normally wouldn't do.

This does not excuse what he has done, he needs to get a f*** grip.
It's shocking that he upset the kids and blamed you.

I thought I was the only one that had to deal with this side of football, that's why I hate it with a passion. It's a bully's sport.
Sorry I didn't read all posts just the first few.

*the same as

To be fair, he did say later on that he didn't make them cry on purpose, which I do believe. Like I say, it wasn't the victory shouts and screams I was worried about, it was his reaction to my reaction if you see what I mean? It seemed to be more important to tell me off for overreacting than to calm the children, which then made them worse. Confusing myself now!

We seem to have had a lot of conversations lately about how self centred I am, how I want everything done my way and how I think everything revolves around me. Most recently he said he thinks I am incapable of real love as I don't show him enough affection. He works his arse off for the family and no-one shows any appreciation. He is always doing things for everyone else, but no-one does anything for him. He feels trapped and I don't let him enjoy the things he likes, he feels guilty every time he goes out.

Do children often show their parents appreciation for being parents and doing things like working to pay the bills, keep them fed and a roof over their heads? That's just what parents are supposed to do... isn't it? So therefore, when 'no-one' is showing appreciation, that just means me, doesn't it? I don't expect anyone to arrive home and say 'oh, you've cleaned the house, looked after 4 children and made tea for 6, thank you so much, you're great', It's just what I do! DH does help around the house, so I'm not complaining on that count. But is he expecting too much or am I just not giving enough?

I'm totally going off on a tangent now... sorry everyone. Is this stupid football thing just the tip of the iceburg??!

I like the journal idea, I shall do that, thank you

Re your second paragraph it sounds like he is projecting (his issues) on to you.

You did not cause him to act as he did; he chose to act like this.

I would start taking a long and cold hard look at your relationship overall and what he actually brings to it.

Even if you were a Man U fan and was upset that they didn't win this championship, he SHOULD NOT have ranted at you like he did.

Ex and I supported different teams (major rivals) and we were still civil about it to each other.
And ex was (is) a twat.

Does sound like there is much more going on here. Op you did say that you "took them all out of the room" rather than your eldest followed. Sounded like you were making a point. I may have that completely wrong, and obviously him ranting was the wrong response.

Regarding thanking each other for contributing (paid or unpaid work) actually I think it is a helpful thing in a relationship so long as it goes both ways.

"I would start taking a long and cold hard look at your relationship overall and what he actually brings to it."

I know exactly what he brings, he reminded me on Sunday night when we were trying to discuss what had happened - all the hard work, all the money and he 'does all the running'.

"I know exactly what he brings, he reminded me on Sunday night when we were trying to discuss what had happened - all the hard work, all the money and he 'does all the running'.

Thereby implying too that you do not do any of these things.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.