Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

Oh 2's it's so sad isn't it.

Just remember it is NOT your fault and you cannot change him. Only he can do that.

Does he even know he's doing it? And if he doesn't acknowlege it then how can he possibly change?

I've finally sat down at the computer and just don't know what to say. There seems little point going over what the latest incidents have been as they're just proving the point more and more. A couple of things briefly... he whacked DS's head (2.11yrs) on the door frame this morning when he woke us up at 5.50am and DH picked him up to take him downstairs (and left him there on his own) but it wasn't DH's fault, it was DS's for wriggling and my fault for there being so much "crap around the door". On Tuesday he had a melt down about DD using too much filling in her sandwich and accused me of trying to "take his processes away from him" by allowing her to have sandwiches instead of school dinners without consulting him first.

I've tried to talk to him about why he was trying to control everyone and everything, why he thinks everything is my fault, but he didn't acknowlege that there was any problem. All he said was, if I relinqished control, it would be anarchy. Then somehow, the main crux of the argument was about bloody sandwich fillings for crying out loud. How petty! He did apologise, via email, the next day for being "precious" about the packed lunches, but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me face to face.

I don't know if this is really stupid and naive of me, but I don't actually want my marriage to fail because of this. All this stuff has only really escalated over the last year or so. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel or is this just the beginning of the end as it all seems to be getting worse

It's escalated since you stopped working, hasn't it 2s? It's related to the shift of power in your relationship inherent in the way in which the money is coming in. (This is not an excuse for his behaviour, btw, I've mentioned above I earn the money in my house and don't behave in this way).

Even before then, your financial relationship was deeply odd. But now that it has changed, and you have relinquished some control, it seems to me he has reverted or assumed a persona that was always there but your relative vulnerability or powerlessness means he can now exercise fully.

Sorry - that sounds very negative but he has a massive mountain to climb in terms of understanding his behaviour. It's not impossible but I see no indication that he could be persuaded to do so.

Of course, you could go back to work. And then you'd be able to go back to paying for nearly everything related to the children and household from your own money. Provided you could get a job that would net enough to break even. Which you can't.

Out of interest, what is/was his parents' marriage like?

His parents relationship was rubbish from what I understand. They both had affairs and his father eventually left for his other woman. I think they 'stayed together for the children' but Dh says they were at each others throats all the time and wished they had gone their separate ways sooner. His dad is still with the other woman and went on to have a child with her. His dad then left his mum more or less penniless in the divorce so Dh and his father were estranged for quite a while but have got back in touch a little recently.

Yes, you are probably right about things escalating since I stopped working. I would need to earn a lot to cover childcare for 4 children and the jobs just arent around here at the moment. I would really like to go back to work but its just not feasible.

Sorry for brief reply - back on my phone again

2's, There's women here who can offer so much insight into what you're going through. I can't but I hope you and your dc's are okay and you come to the right decision. Take care.

I am absolutely not advocating a return to work to 'solve' this problem, 2s. In reality, the relationship with money was damn odd then, but more tolerable because you had some of your own. Did your MIL work? Did they have a healthy relationship to family finance? (this is a very different question to whether they both worked or not).

The money I think is symptomatic of a deeper imbalance. I can imagine him actually becoming more abusive if, for example, he lost his job through sickness or whatever, because he would have lost what he perceives as a position of dominance in the relationship and would seek to get it back some other way.

Yes, MIL always worked as far as I know. I dont really know what their finances were like. They were well off enough to build their own house and lived fairly comfortably from what I understand. However, I do know that MIL has been in an almighty financial mess as long as Dh and I have been together. Dh says it is because his dad screwed her over financially in the divorce and took more than his fair share leaving her with very little. She never has any money, often has charges for missing or late payments etc. Somehow she manages to go on holiday a few times a year though; apparently other people pay for her She is an eternal pessimist. Dont get me wrong though, she is a nice person and we do get on, but we dont see her very often as we live quite far away. Funnily enough, it is her who is to blame for DHs football obsession. They call each other at half time and after every match and talk about it all the time when she visits, which kind of leaves me out!

Thanks sugarice I appreciate it.

Im starting to feel like a right moaning Minnie!

Yes, MIL always worked as far as I know. I dont really know what their finances were like. They were well off enough to build their own house and lived fairly comfortably from what I understand. However, I do know that MIL has been in an almighty financial mess as long as Dh and I have been together. Dh says it is because his dad screwed her over financially in the divorce and took more than his fair share leaving her with very little. She never has any money, often has charges for missing or late payments etc. Somehow she manages to go on holiday a few times a year though; apparently other people pay for her She is an eternal pessimist. Dont get me wrong though, she is a nice person and we do get on, but we dont see her very often as we live quite far away. Funnily enough, it is her who is to blame for DHs football obsession. They call each other at half time and after every match and talk about it all the time when she visits, which kind of leaves me out!

Thanks sugarice I appreciate it.

Im starting to feel like a right moaning Minnie!

oops, double post, sorry... Stupid phone

Hi,
He probably does not know that ^his^ behaviour is abusive, but he would say it was if he saw someone else doing this stuff (I once worked in an environment with 2 emotionally abusive men....never to be forgotten!!!)

Basically he says what he feels is true: he is entitled to behave this way because he only lives in his own head, he does not exercise that most amazing ability that humans have to see that "everyone is I". This means that everyone around him is only seen in relation to him and his feelings hence the sandwich filling is about him not your DD, the head bump is caused by you/DC but can't be due to him because he is "special" ie what you did affected him and caused the bump, he is not to blame.

The reason it is getting worse may be because of the shift in financial situation but more likely is just the natural escalation of abuse over time.

EA people usually pick partners who have a very high view of marriage, who would work very hard to keep it alive. They often pick highly empathic people who are good at reading emotional signals and will work hard to avoid conflict. Often the partners will be highly competent in other fields like work or social relationships (though this might be worn away over time).

The more entwined your lives become the more free he feels to show his "entitlement" to special treatment. Also the fact that you are now "seeing" his behaviour might cause it to change as he tries to put you back in your place.

I am so sorry but unless he has a reason to change he is unlikely to do so (even with the reason unlikely) he is so comfortable.

I think you should keep "moaning" minnie because this stuff just messes with your head and it's good to let it out somewhere!

hope you are ok 2's and have had a good, sunny, Saturday

Thank you fool, everything you have said is scarily spot on.

I have have a good day enjoying the lovely weather, we had friends over for a bbq so Dh and i were busy in our separate ways. He has been very touchy feely today. I think because I said the wine was going to my head and he said it bode well for tonight

So, he has gone to bed complaining of tiredness and I am a little drunk tired and emotional.

I cant tell you what it means to me that you are sticking with me through this. Thank you so much. Will reply properly soon. X

Hi 2scompany,

Hope you are feeling better today.

I will reiterate an earlier reply of mine as follows:-

Emotionally abusive men always make it out to be the other person's fault; this is usual behaviour for such men to do. Emotional abuse as well is insidious in its onset; many intelligent and well balanced women do not see it coming. It is not your fault you missed his abusiveness earlier on; it creeps up on people.

Am I surprised to read that his parents marriage was awful - no, not at all. He learnt a lot of damaging stuff from them, the roots of his emotional abuse towards you now started way back in his childhood. He likely saw his dad acting both emotionally and financially abusive towards his mother (so he hates her as a result for being in his eyes so weak).

You did not make him act like this, he chose to. He knew what he was doing as well. He wants absolute power and control over you.

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse within the relationship. Quite apart from that important point I do not think he would ever entertain himself being counselled as he does not think that he is doing anything wrong in the first place. His lack of remorse let along taking any responsibility for his actions is testament to that. Also he could well dominate any joint session if he went and make it all out to be your fault; such men can and do manipulate counsellors so you are far better off seeing someone on your own in any event.

2s ultimately you cannot remain within such a situation without further being dragged down. You have not failed this marriage; he has by his actions. His abuse towards you will also have a knock on effect on your children - they are learning from the two of you here as to how relationships are conducted.

Keep posting here; you are making so much progress!.

Sounds like perfect time for counselling for you, so much to sort through, doing it with an objective person can be immensely helpful. Once you start it gets easier. I dreaded it- felt a failure for needing it as well as fear of what to say- but its a brave person asks for help. And the outcomes are usually really good, as long as the counsellors decent. So hold your head up and be pleased you have the insight and honesty to make such a move. So many people avoid looking at their lives and problems and cause untold damage to the rest of us.

2's takes one to know one . I am surely grateful for all those who walked through the tough times with me.

keep posting, keep looking, keep believing in yourself.

?you OK OP?