Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

god... Im so slow on my phone, xposting with you all! When he says Im not behaving as i should, he says he sees other couples we know being all lovey dovey etc and we arent like that. Im not touchy feely enough with him and stuff like that.

Right, yeah, that's the problem in the relationship. You aren't all over him like a newlywed. Treating you like an underperforming servant might have something to do with that?

I would not tell him about counselling. I feel he would use that as evidence that you knew the problem was you. (Whereas in fact I suspect the counselling will help you establish that it is him).

I have genuinely never thought of him as any sort of abuser though. He is essentially a nice person, until Sunday i never thought he was being nasty.

Financially, we have always kept things separate. Mainly because my credit rating is rubbish and i dont want to affect him too much. We would both be up the creek otherwise. But it does mean i have to ask him when we need things now or if i want to go anywhere

But a well-managed joint account would enhance your credit rating, not damage his.

It might be more difficult to apply successfully for one together, but in reality I'm not sure banks credit score the non-working partner anyway. Equally why should running separate bank accounts mean you have no access to money? He can transfer a portion to the account you use for day-to-day expenses, why should you have to ask for everything?

I cant answer that, its just the way it is. Technically we as a family are no better or worse off with the tax credits thing, its just that he gets it in his wages rather than me in my account. I dont know why i dont ask him for weekly money, still feel guilty Im not earning it in the traditional sense of having a 'proper' job... i know, i know!

"if I want to go anywhere." So in effect you have to ask his permission to go - where? - to do the weekly shop? Visit friends? Pursue a hobby? Activities with the children?

This is horrible.

Does he ever refuse you money when you want it?

2s, I asked above but it bears repeating: did the 'problems' with your behaviour start when you stopped earning money?

He doesnt refuse me money, but I always try and pay him back. He does remind me if I dont give him any back or if I need more for anything. I only need it for day to day things, yes including taking the children out, meeting with friends, petrol etc. I dont have a hobby... Should get one really! He does most of the food shopping or I do it online, he checks it then pays or we do it online together and he pays.

Sorry, not ignoring that question... Yes i think it has been mainly since I stopped working

So why do you have to pay him back? Are your day-to-day family expenses all meant to come out of your tax credits? I can't actually remember how tax credits work but surely these can't amount to very much. He would seem to be retaining a very large share of the family income for himself?

When you made the decision to stop working, was it something you discussed and agreed upon? I know that essentially there were no other viable options but I'm assuming it was a joint plan.

Come and look at some of the links on this thread 2sC and take some time to digest it all. It is a huge shock to realise you have been in an EA relationship.

On that thread are some very kind very wise ladies who have been where you are and survived.

I dont know really, as its not my money I suppose. I sound like a right idiot, dont seem to know much do I! He does pay all the rent and bills and upkeep for the cars, so theres not a lot left at the end of the month.

Yes, a joint decision that it would be best for us all for me to stay home.

Thanks LittleHouse. Youre right, I still dont know if Im convinced I am! I will have a look in the morning as I am off to bed now. Baby is still waking in the night so need all the sleep i can get before the madness of school run in the morning!

Thank you everyone... Back tomorrow, goodnight for now x

I have often seen men who bottle emotions bring them out when it can be related to football. This has given you the opportunity to see the depths of resentment and how unloved he feels (not saying that this is your fault or that you don't love him, just that this is how he seems to feel). He is feeling pushed out and used it would seem and probably making crude links to not much sex and affection meaning that you don't care, you only care about the DC etc. It's kind of classic stuff that happens when there are small children and the man doesn't properly take on his role of parent and indulges in feeling left out and unmothered himself, although, as you two have been there before, one would have expected him to be better prepared. As Countingto10 said, it makes your marriage very vulnerable to him going off to seek an affair to make himself feel "loved".

You sound a very giving person and he has perhaps got very used to taking.

It doesn't seem too abusive a relationship to try counselling together but if he is still blaming you for everything after a few sessions, then it would be time to stop.

Eurostar I disagree. It seems to be an unwise choice to put yourself, voluntarily, in a bad position.
The advice that makes most sense is self first, relationship later.
You are saying go together and if he uses it in a harmful and blaming way then stop and then what? It is difficult to make up lost ground when you have been put in a position where the 'authority' is agreeing to inappropriate demands against you. Surely you've seen the women left worse off due to relate counsellors not getting the full story?

Get ones own house in order to better assess where the boundaries should be and where blame should lie (his feet, your feet & 50/50) then go forward from a stronger starting position. If he is worth it then it gives a better chance when you have accepted the truth of the situation not emotive or sulky lies and are not minimising. If you don't then you are being set up to be bullied and undermined. As he already seems to do.

football did nothing. All this came directly out of your husband's head. Please don't think for a second that this was because of football, it wasn't.

YY, NicNoc. Was quite surprised at Eurostar's post.

This man is an abuser. Please don't feel that you were stupid in getting involved with them, abusive behaviour always starts slowly and creeps up step by step. It's also very true that abusive men often seek out 'strong' women to grind down and destroy, because they are so inadequate that they cannot bear the idea of a woman not being owned and controlled by a man. A chat with Women's AId will help you sort out your options, but please bear in mind that things are going to get worse from now on until you get rid. He has clearly been getting his own way by means of sulks and harsh words up until now: having found that shouting at you till you cry gives him an even bigger hardon, it's going to escalate to a bit of 'accidental' pushing and shoving, standing on your foot, shutting your hand in the door, that type of thing. The slaps and kicks and punches are probably a way off yet, but they will come.

Goodness, I don't know where to start with everything! Firstly, Eurostar:

...resentment and how unloved he feels (not saying that this is your fault or that you don't love him, just that this is how he seems to feel). He is feeling pushed out and used it would seem and probably making crude links to not much sex and affection meaning that you don't care, you only care about the DC etc

All of that is more or less exactly what he said to me on Sunday night, he said he thinks I'm incapable of love. I don't show him any affection any more and obviously the sex has dwindled - I was putting that more down to me being constantly tired and rather disgusted with my body at the moment. We don't go to bed at the same time any more, he always stays up to do work or play on the pc, so I'm asleep by the time he comes up. Even so, I don't think he is the type to have an affair; he doesn't make friends all that easily, plus both his parents had affairs. His father left for the OW and screwed his mum over financially, so he always says he doesn't want to be like him.

So, lifechanger, (don't worry, I haven't taken anything as agressive towards me!) I'm not intentionally withdrawing affection, but maybe I'm doing it subconsiously? I honestly don't know. I can truly say, this has never even crossed my mind as not being a 'normal' relationship. I've always thought that if there are problems, it's down to me.

solidgoldbrass, I don't know if it will escalate like that. He's not a violent person - he once went mental at me for killing a wasp instead of letting him get it out of the house... oh good grief, that sounds ridiculous doesn't it?! I'm trying to say he doesn't like causing physical harm to anything/one. (he did apologise for overreacting about the wasp!)

He is a good dad and is involved with the children, I don't feel like all the parenting is left up to me or anything. Gah!! I'm so confused now

2scompany: But he doesn't care about causing harm to you. While some abusive men are generally and rather indiscriminately violent (get into fights a lot, will attack strangers, friends or work colleagues if they get angry) many only harm their partners, because they feel they have a right to punish and control 'their woman', who only exists in relation to them.
And abusers often apologise after an abusive episode, but they're not really sorry. If they were sorry, they wouldn't do it again, but they do do it again. And again.

Gah!! I'm so confused now

Possible confusion-dispeller

He checks the online shopping when you do it before he pays?

Is that in case you got it wrong????

Major red flags, sirens, flashing lights from me on that one thing alone.

It sounds like he's got you right where he wants you. I'm so sorry.