Football making dh aggressive...

[2sCompany]

The more I think about this the more ridiculous it sounds... Yesterday my husband completely turned on me when his team won the football. Yes, I did say they won it!

He had been tense all day and nasty to everyone. He is not normally nasty, can get stressed easily but I cant describe it as anything other than downright nasty. Anyway, I was cuddled up watching with a dvd 10yr old dd, 2.10 yr old ds and bf'ing 6m ds when dh and 13 yo ss screamed the house down at the win. They made the youngest children cry with fright so i took them all out of the room. Dh followed me out of the room and screamed at me in front of all the children how I dont care about football and I had to spoil this for him like I spoil everything that he enjoys because I think the whole world revolves around me. i was on the floor surrounded by upset children with him bearing down over us ranting and raving. Started blooming crying myself and he just kept going on and on about how I dont care about him or the 30 years of hurt he has had to endure from his football team. I overreacted by taking the children out of the room and spoiled everything. i have never seen the pure hate in his eyes like that, he looked crazy and it sacred me.

Anyway, he doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong. His explanation was that its all because of the football and it "uncorked a bottle". Our 2 year old is now going around saying ' daddy shouts at mummy and mummy cries'.

Dont really know what Im asking for here. Just cant seem to get my head around the fact that a football match can create such a monster. Is it normal?

Thanks for reading, i know its a bit long and dull. X

Op can I suggest Relate or some other sort of counselling for you both as a couple. It is very hard on a relationship when you have a lot of young DCs. We all make the mistake of putting them first and neglecting our marriage/relationship to everyone's cost. This is not putting the onus on you to do all the work but to open up better communications between you and your DH.

You need to make time for each other without the DCs and to put the fun back into things.

Sometimes a third party can help you both communicate better and it helps to do it before the rot sets in and your DH has an affair etc - child centred marriages and men who feel under appreciated are very vulnerable

Take this incident as a turning point and get some help for both of you for your marriage and your DCs sake.

Sorry, that last post of mine sounded really spiteful. I didn't mean it to; it just reminded me that I knew the answer to that question already! Yes, he flat out said that I don't do any of those things. I regularly apologise for not contributing financially and try to do my best at home to make up for it. I am perhaps putting too much emphasis on domestic/children stuff and not enough into our relationship as a couple... so if I'm brutally honest with myself, I don't know what I get out of this relationship now Let's be fair, I don't know what he gets out of it either.

counting, I think you're right, we both need some help here.

Thank you all so much for talking me through to this point, I don't think I realised what a mess we're in. I wasn't seeing the bigger picture and trying to blame it all on the bloody football.

Please don't worry about that post appearing spiteful - it wasn't and I did not read it that way. You are more than contributing to the relationship already by managing the home and caring for the children; these are tough jobs that should never be denigrated.

I would also suggest counselling but for yourself only. You will be able to talk more freely on your own; he could too easily dominate a session and make it all out to be your fault.

It is unlikely that your H would actually go to any sessions anyway as he likely thinks he has done nothing wrong - the lack of remorse towards you for his actions shows that all too clearly. He certainly has not taken any responsibility for his actions.

Again, Womens Aid could be helpful to you here.

My sister was married to a Man city fan, he was a twat too, maybe its a team thing

Hope you can both use this as a catalyst to improve things between you. It's good that you are addressing the issues.

Attila, whenever we try and talk, everything always is my fault. We both agree that I need to change and I should be more affectionate and put more effort into our relationship.

Would it be wise for me to see someone and get my own head straight first, maybe then have couples counselling or something?

I never really put any of these things together, so never thought there was that much of a problem I suppose. Just thought everything was fairly normal for a busy and big-ish family, didn't really realise there were any issues to address until now Burrito.

Rabid hehe!

I regularly apologise for not contributing financially and try to do my best at home to make up for it.
is he expecting too much or am I just not giving enough?

You are giving plenty. Too much: because you are also handing him your self-respect. Why on earth do you feel inferior because your work is not salaried? It's still bloody hard work! You are contributing, very much.

People who go around apologising for existing attract people who like to take advantage of that. Self-centred people like your husband.

Please start valuing yourself. You will notice, from that vantage point, how little your arse of a husband values you, and that you deserve better.

Would it be wise for me to see someone and get my own head straight first, maybe then have couples counselling or something?

Definitely see a counsellor (on your own!) if you can.

Why on earth do you feel inferior because your work is not salaried?

I've always worked and contributed financially, as well as doing all the household things. So now I'm not working, I'm not bringing any money in, I am dependent on DH for everything. We've gone from just the 1 child at home to 4 children in less than 2 years and it's just not practical for me to work as it would cost more in childcare than I would earn. The only money I have is tax credits, which just got halved. DH recently came home saying how much better off he is a month after the tax changes, but it makes me even more dependent on him.

Still not seeing any reason to "apologise for not contributing financially" in what you have posted. None. You are contributing work of a highly valuable nature to your family. It happens not to be salaried. It is work to be PROUD OF still.

Oh dear
Yes, strong links known between football and domestic violence.
The bigger the game, the more likely.
Too much testerone going round, with alcohol equals trouble.

Of course your children shouldn't have to shown their gratitude for him putting a roof over their heads,
That's what being a parent is .

When the dust settles, and he can reflect on what happened properly instead of being all.defensive, ask him how,he,is going to make sure that that behaviour never happens again.
Don't let him get away with you being to blame in any way.
That's what he will hang on to, it was your fault, your drove him to it .......
Put it back to him, how will he ensure that he doesn't behave like that again .........

Have you costed out the price of a full-time nanny plus cook/housekeeper?
That's how much you're worth.

... and I'd like to see a professional nanny's reaction to being yelled at like that, with or without babe in arms

2scompany

re your comment:-
"Attila, whenever we try and talk, everything always is my fault. We both agree that I need to change and I should be more affectionate and put more effort into our relationship".

Emotionally abusive men always make it out to be the other person's fault; this is usual behaviour for such men to do.

You both agree that you need to change; what about him changing the ways he speaks at you all????. What about HIM putting more effort into this relationship let alone being more affectionate towards you?. You did not make him act like this, he chose to. He knew what he was doing as well.

"Would it be wise for me to see someone and get my own head straight first, maybe then have couples counselling or something?"

See someone on your own; I do not think he would ever entertain himself being counselled as he does not think that he is doing anything wrong in the first place. His lack of remorse let along taking any responsibility for his actions is testament to that. Also he could well dominate any joint session if he went and make it all out to be your fault; such men can and do manipulate counsellors so you are far better off seeing someone on your own in any case.

I'm a fanatical Man CIty fan as you can tell by my nickname. When Aguero scored the winner I danced around the kitchen (i was cooking dinner at the time) and hugged and kissed DW and DD. I've had 44 years of hurt but I'm not a twunt unlike your dh.

I must admit that its never even crossed my mind that things aren't my fault. I dont consider myself a shrinking violet by any means, so when he says I'm upsetting him or not behaving as I should then I agree its down to me to change.

He says he has given up trying to make an effort with me as I dont give anything back. This is also in reference to the lack of sex since the baby was born.

How do I look for a counsellor? Do they cost much or is it through my doctor?

Op this is merely the tip of the iceberg as you already have written/seen.

Counselling for yourself I suspect would point to building your self-esteem, assertiveness etc and maybe go over boundaries and appropriate behavior because he has been acting inappropriately for ages apparently.

Get some support for yourself. When you are feeling in a better place - not belittled & guilty for his failures then you can decide what you want.
I would wager real money he won't go to counselling as a couple to fix things I think he would follow the script of his ilk and use it as a means to force you to validate his opinions in front of a 'witness' then snipe and hold it over you when you get home.

Generally if you lock them down & refuse to kowtow to their wants & communicate honestly as an equal partner that requires & deserves to have your own needs met they don't like it, refuse to grow up & get help to fix themselves, leave & make like it's all your fault. Or they dislike the challenge and ramp it up.
Hopefully good rl support for you will help open up tge communication channels in a way he's most likely to respond & you can move forward in the way you want to.

Btw I'm the main bread winner and have never, will never use it as a way to belittle my husband and make him compliant & anticipate my every need & wait on me like some spoiled little bitch ready to throw a tantrum. We both made the kids, he does an amazing job with them everyday & I am working so I can be an equal part of making the life we want. When it was the other way around he would never have expected it either.

Seriously OP it's not about being a shrinking violet - women in EA relationships aren't a breed of weak, wobbly legged does! It is about the abuser not the abused.

Go to your GP and they can refer you. There may be a relatively long waiting list though.
You can also try women's aid (really go on their website and have a read around) as they can help.
Or you can do the old fashioned Google for therapists in your area. Fees are dependant on where you are and where you go. Go to WA first as there may be an org that pops right up or phone them and they can provide more info.

Sorry should say I would go to WA first - can cut out a bit of an internet round trip. The website has loads of links so you can follow through by area etc.

OP your recent posts have made me very, very sad for you. That you believe this could be a normal relationship with give and take and (inevitably) some blame on both sides. Just read these statements back:

whenever we try and talk, everything always is my fault. We both agree that I need to change and I should be more affectionate and put more effort into our relationship.

You, you, you. Give more, do more, be more. Good god, does that not exhaust you just to read on top of everything you're already doing day on day?

I regularly apologise for not contributing financially

What. The. Fuck. WHY? Why on earth apologise for something which was the right decision for you as a family?

The only money I have is tax credits, which just got halved. DH recently came home saying how much better off he is a month after the tax changes

How you both are, surely. Isn't the money he earns family money? Same as your tax credits are family money?

I must admit that its never even crossed my mind that things aren't my fault ... when he says I'm upsetting him or not behaving as I should ...

Not behaving as you should? What. The. Fuck. Times. Two.

Does this type of behaviour date from the time when you stopped working?

Well now it's time to stop beleiving it's your fault.
You are not responsible for his behaviour and guess what,
You are even NOT responsible for how he feels, or what he thinks ....
For example...
He thinks My misses spoils everything,
Discounting all the times you don't.
He FEELS shit about the fact that you ALWAYS spoil things..
He behaves like you always spoil things .... Angry, sulky, etc ....
You havent done anything wrong, it's his,thinking errors that affect his feelings and behaviours, but he won't see it ike,that.
Tricky. Get some support with it xxx

Thanks NicNoc, you've given me good food for thought there. Its easy to look back now at past conversations and incidents and see the pattern that I have never even considered before. Its just taken this one incident to make me question things. I suppose I have always thought I am a strong woman and presume the stereotype of an 'abused woman' would be meek and mild, so why would I not notice or let it happen to me?

Or am I just blowing this one thing out of proportion? Making links where there are none?

I will have a look on WA site when I get some quiet time tomorrow. Should I say anything about thinking about counselling to dh?