To think DH should be able to control his temper and not smack DCs when he is angry?

[xeno]

I know I'm not perfect. I spent several years with severe PND so bad I felt DCs shouldn't be left alone in my company. Gradually I have climbed out of my hole and had them for longer periods by myself and am now taking on much more housework and childcare and beginning to be a proper SAHM. Unfortunately I also have fatigue and pain which I am battling to overcome and currently I have some "normal" weeks but am still incapacitated some of the time. We still have a child carer three days a week and a cleaning lady and help from parents&MIL.

But all this has taken its toll on DH. TBH it would help if my parents didn't come round (whole other story) because they are stressy so I am trying to get up in mornings (my worst time) so DH not alone with DCs at breakfast/school run. But I do play my part during day with DC2, after school, cooking meals, evenings, bedtime routine, housework, organising paperwork, banking, etc. and we both do childcare at weekends. but when I am ill I do have to go to bed. Usually for a few days during which the entire house gets trashed.. I have learned to control my temper and now deal (IMO) very calmly with tantrums and stressful situations and keep my temper.

But When DH is angry (most of the time) he smacks DCs for being annoying, or really minor naughtiness. I think he is out of order. He thinks it is because he is under so much pressure. I try to take pressure off him by looking after DCs so he can have a few hours to do his own thing by himself, and he then tells his DM that he has "done everything" and is very stressed and tired because he "hasn't had any rest". I am pissed off that even though I have been getting better and have been much better for last 5 months (apart from physical illness) he seems to be getting worse. Sorry this has turned into a huge rant!

BUt he is not hitting them just because he feels angry is he? He is doing it because they ae naughty and he this is making him angry.That is not abuse , that is discipline
Your illness has put a heavy weight on his shoulders.You say you are looking after the children to 'give him a break' but then you are paying for a childcarer to help you when he is at work and then your DH is having to work overtime to pay for this?? It sounds a pretty weird arrangement.
I think you need to start SUPPORTING ypur DH not criticising him for doing what you can't

It took me a while to write the above and I am now reading the rest of the comments

Ease up Calypso. Thats too strong.

Forums can be very useful to help people lupo - especially for support when they feel browbeaten and they are starting to question themselves in RL. OP, if you ask to have your thread moved to "Relationships" you might get some fresh insight?

I agree you need outside help with this, you have soooo many interconnected issues. It is stressful having small children and a partner with long-term helth issues. But obviously he needs to stop taking it out on your DCs and - emotionally - on you. He needs to find a different outlet. It's not fair or right and this argument that you have been ill or take a tone (?!) is bullshit. He sounds very angry and resentful of you for having been ill, and you feel guilty, which is obviously making discussion on this very difficult. I don't know whether conselling would help, but it's worth a shot. If you're trying to get him to agree to it, I think you should start from a position of - "Do you think our family dynamic is fair on the children?.... I would like to try conselling so we can try to get things out in the open and work them out, for their sake."

I also tend to agree that SS aren't the big bad wolves, I'd be more inclined to believe the posters on here with personal experience than the DM .

I think Oopsi may have gone a bit too much in the other direction. Not that I am condoning OP's dh's behaviour, but have any of you ever considered what incredible pressure he is under.
why don't you ask my dh what its like when I have an incredibly bad hypo and the 2 boys are screaming, for hours, in fear. I'd like to see you all re-act better in that situation. No. Didn't think so.

Weird is right oopsi and she used to 'pinch her baby' and smack her children.
I am also leaving this thread. I think the husband is living a nightmare. Not to mention the children. To post in AIBU - honestly?

agree calypsyo,poor poor kids

Oblomov, whether other posters would react differently, put in your position, is irrelevant; what is happening to those children is not OK.

echt, I don't understand.

OP please ignore Calypso's and Oopsie's post, there is a huge lack of understanding on theirs and some other posts.

OP have a talk to your DH, think about what has been written and please post again, perhaps in relationships?

Echt is right the issue here is these kids are scared and being smacked when hubby feels angry. This should be sorted and if the op cannot do this on her own then she needs to involve agencies who can sort it. One would hope there is a key worker of some description who is already on board given the op has had issues in the past if not then please op step up for these children. In my experience these situations do not get better by themselves they escalate and that is not fair on any of your family. You and hubby are the adults here and it sounds as if at the moment you are the one who is in control of emotions etc, therefore you should be asking for help. SS will assess you that is true and put in place what they feel is needed to protect your children which IMO is the right thing to do.

I think the OP's husband has been under incredible pressure for years. And this is now telling on him. I think he's a saint for having carried on all these years in this extremely difficult situation. I agree with whoever said this is a family in crisis. And something needs to be done because obviously the pressure is becoming totally unbearable.

I have more understanding than you could ever know birds but I am really am off now with Lupo and Oopsie.

Obviously xeno's DP losing it all the time and smacking the Dcs is not a good thing.

But I always thought that smacking in a cold blood is much worse than when a parent loses patience and gives a naughty child a smack on the bum

I would think that saying 'DC, you were naughty etc etc, now turn around/hold your hand out and mummy will smack you' is much worse, tbh.

So I totally don't get what the posters are saying, that hitting children in a calm manner is a discipline, but a parent smacking because the child drove him mad is abuse.

Obv. both are wrong.

Anyway, OP, how often does he smack them?

Oblomov perhaps I should have said your DHs' position, not yours. Either way, the comparison is pretty pointless; if we all said, Oh I haven't experienced that so I can't pass an opinion/ suggest action, then nothing would be done. It's the objective situation the children are in that matters. Grownups are just that, adults, and if they can't control their temper/ impulses, no matter what the cause, then they need help.

Btw I sympathise with both OP and her DH, it sounds like a very tough situation. Hope you'll both get the help you need plus maybe you really need to talk to your DH about reverting back to the other methods of discipline.

It is horrific that little children are scared of their father in their own home. This has come about as a direct result of his violence towards them. His reason for the violence is due to their behaviour. Their behaviour is due to the lack of (non-violent) discipline from him and the OP.

The children needed you both to guide them as to how to behave - what is acceptable and what is not. Due to your PND, that has fallen to your DH. There are single parent families up and down the country, so it does not wash with me that he was too over-burdened to bring up his own children. While it is true that single parent's do not have the added pressure of dealing with a partner who has PND, it is sad that the lack of / reduced attention to them in a positive and constructive manner has resulted in this.

OP, how is your relationship with your DH? Kids aside, how do you get along?

Let's put this into context whether the kids are smacked in a controlled manner or in temper does not matter. The op said her kids were scared of daddy and his temper. That should worry any sane person. These kids are living in fear which is not right. As for daddy smacking in temper the issue for me here is that will he punch them in temper next, maybe throw one up the wall or for good measure maybe give them a good kick. Op and her issues aside this is about children who are scared and maybe in danger which is not in any circumstances acceptable. The op had had some really good advice on here let's hope she takes heed and does something about this horrid situation.

My opinion is that he isn't so much stressed as lazy! He has become lazy, he smacks because he cannot be bothered to discipline properly

Just reading everyone's replies and trying to digest it all. I originally posted in AIBU because I was so cross with him for loosing his temper and really not knowing if I could expect him to be more self controlled given how much pressure he has been under. Reading all your replies has brought it home to me that his behaviour is unacceptable and that I need to do something about it. He is in denial and I was too but I'm seeing a bit clearer now. thank you for all your advice. I'm going to ask MNHQ to move thread.

So when your DC1 was under two, as a consequence of your illness, you slapped and hit and pinched them on a regular basis. That continued through your second pregnancy and beyond.
Then you stopped.
Now your OH is hitting your DCs.

So for years, your eldest child has been used to strong, painful punishment for any sort of transgression, with or without warning and has learned to be afraid. To anticipate pain if teh adult is angry for whatever reason.
And your oldest DC is still only 5.

Hi, we've moved this thread to Relationships. Thanks.

OP, at what point during the two years of depression and anger after the birth of your first child did you decide to have another? I couldn't imagine expanding my family if I felt such utter sadness and anger within it.

So a smack is a beating
I may not agree with smacking but the ones here that put smacking in the context of a beating very OTT