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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have a go at Dadslib.... ...pillock!

361 replies

dadslib · 02/12/2003 13:04

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Blu · 02/12/2003 16:59

Lots of cross-posting (I'm so slow!)
The thing is, don't we need to address the things that make us 'human' in bad ways? You KNOW this isn't helping, so accept as part of the package that needs looking at, along with the rest! That's all!

Blu · 02/12/2003 17:01

O.K DL, sorted! You are a b***r for an argument, aren't you? Why turn your thread into the why's and wherefores of the Iraq war when all we REALLY want to do is help you!

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:05

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dinosaur · 02/12/2003 17:09

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dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:13

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dinosaur · 02/12/2003 17:13

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M2T · 02/12/2003 17:17

DL - I'm not getting dragged into this but if you can't see how that might frighten your wife that you lash out at her first then you have a bigger problem than just your relationship!!

STOP looking at it from you point of view all the time. Its very selfish!

There is some good advice here. TAKE IT.

Blu · 02/12/2003 17:18

"The only thing that I can think that even remotely legitimises hitting is the provocation. My DW can be very very provocative. "

"I would also say it is also unacceptable to provoke violence, but this often gets neglected."

Was obviously misled by YOUR words...and my last pst was accepting your acknowledgment in your post of 4.58.

Sticking by what I said about you being a b**r for an argument, and while I don't think I was being P.C, I am bowing out of tryng to see it from you point of view! Think I've actually been quite supportive to you (and honest)! Sorry if it didn't feel like that.

SpringChicken · 02/12/2003 17:18

Have tried not to post on here too but Dadslib you do bring these things on yourself!
I know you must be being brutally honest and trying to let us all know exactly how you tick but some of the things you come out with are just ludicrus.

I am not saying your wife doesn't provoke you - lord knows i provoke DP in a heated row and say things that i know will get his back up but he has never laid a finger on me!

My advise (Having never been in this situation from you view or your wife's) is to get out NOW - If your relationship is a heated as it comes accross on here then i just feel that you need to put a stop to it once and for all.

Do not stay just for you DS's sake - yeah, it may not be nice, not beign able to see him as often but surely it is best for him in the long term - he is who you have to think about and he is your priority!

jmg · 02/12/2003 17:21

No Dadslib, I did not say that domestic violence is especially unacceptable, I said all violence is unacceptable. I also don't think that view is particularly high principled, I think it is rational.

Violence in our society is perpetrated by a very small minority of people. Most people going about their everyday lives do not resort to violence as a means to resolving disputes.

What I do think about domestic violence in particular, is that the breach of trust associated with it is much more damaging than that perpetrated by a stranger. If someone punches me in the street, I assume a mad man picked me out at random. If I were to be punched at home by my partner, I would assume that it was not a random act.

IMO in a relationship one is supposed to be cherishing loving and supporting one another. Hitting does not fit into my profile therefore of a relationship.

I think you have got it right in one sense - you are behaving like an animal. And it is totally indefensible to do so.

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:28

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Blu · 02/12/2003 17:36

O.K DL!

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:36

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ThomCat · 02/12/2003 17:36

Dadslib - I know you're not justifying it and i understand that hitting out in anger happens in life, always has, always will. What I'm saying daslib is that you have to control that urge to hit out at her. I get it, my DP gets it sometimes, that's why I don't have an alarm clock anymore. You know you have to sort out the aggression and I'm just the hand in the small of your back nodding behind you saying 'yes - go on - sort it out'. Once you have stopped lashing out at her you can deal with the other issues but that has to come first as far as I can see. You really must walk away and if you have to lash out take it out on the matress or something for now until you can control the urge to lash those arms around altogether. Good luck, it won't be easy but it has to be done. if Mrs Dadslib winds you up to the point where you want to push her etc then whose to say that if you just up and leave the next woman in your life won't push the same buttons and provoke the same response from you. Deal with it for the need for a happier more peaceful life.

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:37

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StressyHead · 02/12/2003 17:38

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jmg · 02/12/2003 17:39

Dadslib, why do you think you shouldn't be carted off to prison? If you thumped someone in the street often enough you would be. Why should you not be just because its your wife you are thumping?

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:39

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dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:43

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dinosaur · 02/12/2003 17:43

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Blu · 02/12/2003 17:44

DL, I think you are misunderstanding the meaning of 'totally unacceptable'. IF your marriage is going to go anywhere you HAVE to really take on board that it IS morally totally unacceptable (irrespective of whether you could or could not be prosecuted 'carted off'...and just bear in mind...you could), and although you have transgressd that, you are aiming not to transgress agin. Otherwise, it DOES sound like justification or mitigation. This is the problem. You said in your post of 4.58 that you don't think there IS justification, so why can't you just leave it at that? We KNOW people do things they are not proud of and wish to change...our weaknesses don't alter the morality, just our ability to live up to it. It does sound as if you want to change...all sorts of aspects of your marriage, including this particular problem, but you are going to have to stop appealing to the 'but sometimes we can't help it we're only human' type of argument if you are going to have the strength to make real change. And I'm sure you do have that strength.

StressyHead · 02/12/2003 17:44

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fio2 · 02/12/2003 17:46

dadslib is your wife hitting/pushing you aswell? If so the violence is not just your problem but both of yours.

zebra · 02/12/2003 17:50

I think folk are being too hard on Dadslib; he has said that the hitting is wrong; he wasn't offering justification only explanation. If he doesn't have room to explore 'Why' it happens, why it feels ok at the time, he will never learn to stop himself in time, to stop himself from feeling like it's ok.

Which probably has a lot to do with seeing his own folks thump each other.

& Dadslib: don't be surprised we women get so het up about this; as the "weaker" sex we are much more sensitive and emotional about it. It'd be a (little) different if we were evenly matched with men, but we aren't. Even if domestic violence weren't wrong in principle, It feels very very very threatening to us.

dadslib · 02/12/2003 17:50

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