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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have a go at Dadslib.... ...pillock!

361 replies

dadslib · 02/12/2003 13:04

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
doormat · 03/12/2003 10:40

Thomcat my sis has OCD too, that is why I mentioned this to DL as there are similarities.

AussieSim · 03/12/2003 10:41

I believe that DL has grasped that hitting his wife is wrong as evidenced by the comments below, as well as by attending Anger Management classes. I think DL's 'buts' are a problem, but he probably needs to go thru that to at least identify triggers so that he can avoid them and to analyse how he arrived at this juncture.

"Lots or arguing" and being a "tempestuous relationship" and "fighting" are mentioned way before "doing it" in his original post and way before his later post about "not talking in". At no point does he say he hits her because they don't talk or have enough sex (I think that that was ver insensitive). Once again I think people are reading too much into it from their own experiences or prejudices.

4:58:27 "As for my own situation, I have to stop it [hitting], period."
4:35:57 "it's not acceptable for me to hit my DW."
1:04:29 "I am ashamed, I don't condone it ..."

aloha · 03/12/2003 10:45

Dadslib, you say your wife treats you like a naughty schoolboy, can't you see she feels just as controlled by you? I do think you need outside help with this.

Twinkie · 03/12/2003 10:46

Message withdrawn

M2T · 03/12/2003 10:50

Whoa Twinkie!

Perhaps this thread is a bit too close to home for you!

aloha · 03/12/2003 10:54

Dadslib has had a couple of goes at Twinkie personally on this thread which I thought was wrong. I do think she has had it up to here with being criticised.

ThomCat · 03/12/2003 10:58

Yeah I agree M2T. This is not a thread about violence, it is a a thread about Dadslibs problems with his wife, of which there are a few that need to be addressed, one of those is his aggression and the fact that hes has slapped and pushed her. He gets in a rage sometimes when having yet another row and that frightens his wife. There are other things going on in his life too and he's asking for help / advice.
I'm really sorry for your troubles Twinkie but perhaps it's not helping you to read about Dadslib problems as you seem to be venting some anger here, and I understand why, but you don't need that in your life and nor does Dadslib right now. He's asking for help. Maybe there should be another thread opened up where people can discuss their feelings about domestic violence and then this thread can concentrate on getting some advice and support to dadslib??

Twinkie · 03/12/2003 10:59

Message withdrawn

ThomCat · 03/12/2003 10:59

Maybe Dadslib should start again with another thread, NOT entitled 'Have a Go at Dadslib... pillock' but instead entitled 'please could I have some advice and support'!?

M2T · 03/12/2003 11:00

ALoha - I really don't think Twinkies post was necessary.
Its well known that Twinkie has had a trully awful time with her x2b.... but he is not Dadslib and I feel its getting a wee bit personal for Twikie.

Don't you agree Twinkie? This isn't doing you any good.

ThomCat · 03/12/2003 11:02

Well maybe he's pissed off when he asked for some help that he got told he should be slung in prison and other such comments from some posters, and maybe he as retailiating. Either way I think the arguments need to stop and the original post should be concentrated on - which was 'please advise' and 'I'm getting desperate' etc.

berries · 03/12/2003 11:05

I've come to this discussion late, but there are a few things I've noticed

  1. You say you're wife is concerned you may be violent to your ds. I realise that at the moment nothing could be further from your mind, but I can tell you that if you think dw is provocative, it's NOTHING to what a lippy 7/8 year old can be like. Will you be able to control your anger then? Would you like your son to grow up afraid of his father?
  2. I drive dh mad by not doing things 'his' way (putting things away, stacking dishwasher 'correctly' etc) and it used to be a source of huge rows. In the end, I pointed out that continual criticism in the little things just made me worse. I didn't want to do those things as they were unimportant to me, and dh was being such a pain I didn't want to do anything nice for him. Also, I had a very domineering mum who was completely obsessive about tidy houses etc. So in a way, leaving things out was my way of 'breaking free' of the control. Nowadays, I try to be tidier as I know it irritates him, BUT (and it's a big but) he's stopped mentioning anything, if he gets the desperate urge to restack the dishwasher, he waits until I can't see it (even though I know he's doing it ).
  3. As regards talking to you like a school kid, I'm also guilty of doing this to dh. The reason (and it's no justification) is after all day at work, and then dealing with 2 kids (6 & 8) sometimes it would be nice just to pass an instruction & have it carried out because it IS the right thing to do, it does need doing & can we please not have a discussion about it because I'm too k*d. Sorry this is a long post and may not help. I do think you need to decide whether you can sort out your problems (between you) or decide to split up, but I think you know in your own mind that you cannot continue the relationship as it is.
M2T · 03/12/2003 11:06

Very true Thomcat!
Twinkies original post probably set the tone for DL's attitude to her throughout.

DL - You know you need help... you know this behaviour is not healthy or normal... you also know that alot of it IS your fault!!!!

Not much else can really be said here apart from you need to see that YOU can stop this. And counselling will help you.

Are you sure the AD's and the dosage are correct for your depression????

aloha · 03/12/2003 11:08

I personally think the issue of Dadlib's violence towards his wife - he hits her and she's scared of him - is extremely important. Also his very controlling behaviour - and the two very often go together. Violence is an effective form of control as Twinkie knows. I think counselling might be the only way to improve this relationship. I don't ever think it's OK for a man to hit and slap his wife, actually. But when there is a small child involved then I think the question of stopping the violence and the rows becomes absolutely vital. Please make an appointment with relate. I don't think the fact that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you that often (once a month is quite a lot considering the state of your relationship and the age of your baby, IMO) is not as much of a problem as your violence. And in fact may be a reaction to it.

zebra · 03/12/2003 11:10

Dadslib is very quiet this am.
You know, you come to Mumsnet for abuse the way your DW provokes you into lashing out. Which gives her the oportunity to hit back; annoying that people keep ignoring that.
I'm sorry people aren't more supportive.

aloha · 03/12/2003 11:12

Also, I can see why you are upset that she says you might hit your son, but I can also understand why she says it. After all, you say yourself you cannot control your temper when 'provoked' - toddler's don't half 'provoke' you, you know. I would be afraid to have a child with a man who was prone to violence and could not control his temper. Can you not see that?

aloha · 03/12/2003 11:16

Zebra, he always hits her first and I bet he hits hard. He's described himself as quite a big bloke. It would scare me and make me feel afraid in my own home. I bet it scares his wife. I don't think I've said anything remotely abusive. I think I'm trying to make him understand that if you hit your wife (and she tries to hit him back sometimes - I wonder what happens then?) she is likely to be less communicative and loving!

Beetroot · 03/12/2003 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ThomCat · 03/12/2003 11:18

No person in their right mind would ever say that it ok to hit another person, to raise your hand and strike a person is wrong. However unfortunately it does happen and what we need to address is what to do to stop it from happening again.

M2T · 03/12/2003 11:20

I have confessed here that I have hit DH before... and very hard too! It was definitely to do with my PND and my lack of control I felt. I felt I couldn't stop DH from hurting my feelings so I would slap him to make him stop talking to me. It didn't work obviously and I can see now why not! And yes he did slap me back a few times.... so what!

He never once thought that I would EVER hit ds and I have never once felt like I'm going to, no matter how long he cries in the night.... or how many times he switches the TV off.... or pees on the carpet!

It's TOTALLY different.... or it was in my case! My patience levels are almost neverending when it comes to ds. But DH?? Thats a different matter!

SpringChicken · 03/12/2003 11:20

And all the tins moved round in the cupboard! AARRGGGG What is it called? ? ? ? That film frightens the life out of me!

pie · 03/12/2003 11:21

Sleeping with the Enemy

Twinkie · 03/12/2003 11:21

Message withdrawn

SpringChicken · 03/12/2003 11:22

GOT IT - Sleeping with the Enemy!

100 points to moi!

SpringChicken · 03/12/2003 11:23

Beat me to it Pie - apologies for playing around on this serious thread!

I'll dissappear now!

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