My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

I think this is really for your mum and your dad's girlfriend to resolve, rather than you. They both had a relationship with him of one sort or another, they were both important to him in their own ways, and I don't think anyone has the right to say that one woman is more or less entitled to grieve for him than the other. If your mum is hurt, that's understandable, but I think they need to reach an agreement between them. Not for you to fight your mum's battles.

I am still desparately trying to hide the longevity of what was going on from my mum. It would destroy her to know. She found out about it once, they split up, he came back, begging forgiveness, swearing it was all over with the ow. He lied for my entire adult life and much of my childhood.

In my mind it is clear that my mother is the priority, my father prioritised her when he was alive ( the ow was his dirty little secret, not my mother) he prioritised her when he left all his wordly goods to her. He prioritised her when he asked to be buried with her in her parent's plot.

I get that the ow might want to leave flowers and have said that is ok, but NOTES and messages? That is just intrusive and disrespectful.

I can really, honestly see how you are finding this horribly inappropriate and disrespectful. However - this woman has lost her 'partner' of 20 years too. How is she supposed to grieve? She has nowhere to go with this herself, iyswim.

That isn't your problem, or your mums either though. And to say that it's ok to leave flowers is really very good of you, not sure I would be so understanding. Leaving notes and stuff is crossing the line a bit.

Sorry about your dad x

Feel really sorry, for you. It is bad enough losing your dad ( I've been there ) without all this. I know I would do anything to protect my mum from further hurt. I wonder if your Mum ever suspected his affair? Whether she did or she didn't she should be able to visit her dhs grave without the ows presents being there. Ok ow is grieving, but she should do it in her own way. Like you said it is a family grave and she should respect that. I l really don't know what you can do as you live so far away. I know if me or my sisters saw something on my dads grave like that, rightly or wrongly, we would remove it. BTW congratulations on your very soon to be born baby. I know its a happy/sad time for you with losing your dad xx

She's grieving for your father the same as your mother. The OW had a more 'honest' relationship if you like... she knew the full story where your mum didn't. She's also had 20 years of not being with your Dad at important times of his life, had to take a back seat, and now he's gone and she's coping in her own way. I can see why you want to shield your mother from the truth and I can see why you are annoyed with his girlfriend's graveside gifts but I don't think it helps anyone to pretend she doesn't exist.

The woman is not leaving messages for the man she was in a relationship with, she is leaving messages designed to upset your mum. It is harassment of her dead lovers widow.

To be honest, I would talk to the police about her behavior, without letting your mum know. Just hear what they are saying.

She is reduced to marking her place.
Her behavior is nothing short of a bitch pissing on a tree.

Only the tree is your fathers grave and your mothers memories.

She can grieve as much as she likes.
She can grieve without leaving notes only the living can see.

I think it is grossly insensitive behaviour, but I think it's being done to provoke a reaction. After all, your dad can't have one and the only people that can are the ones who will have been hurt by this relationship. So the best advice to you and your mum is to ignore it and not give her the reaction she wants. You've spoken to her and told her that this was inappropriate and causing unnecessary pain and the fact that she's still doing it shows that this is of no consequence to her and is probably the intention. I completely understand your desire to shield your mum from this because she is undergoing two different types of bereavement loss. So are you, but it isn't quite the same and as personal to your core identity as your mum who was his romantic partner.

See if ignoring it causes her to give up after a while. She's likely to leave increasingly provocative things at the grave for a while to get a reaction, but if that happens, suggest to your mum that during this period, she creates a new secret place where she can go with her mementoes and remember your father. Perhaps somewhere that was special and unique to them? A grave is just one place after all and it doesn't have to have the significance if we decide otherwise.

Conditional grieving? I expect there is an element of claiming territory going on but, maybe naughty notes is what the OP's Dad liked about her...

Sorry, just read that you rmum did know a bit about it, but not the full extent. .

I think that's a horribly inappropriate remark to make Cogita. You sound like a long-term OW who is projecting somewhat.

I've been able to find out a bit about her, she sent me her address as she wanted photo's of him. Which i stupidly sent her. So i have her name and address and the wonders of google.

She is married with two grown up kids. So he wasn't the only one cheating. I am sorely tempted to blow this up in her face and contact her husband. See how she likes it.

Just realised i am probably guilty of drip feeding, sorry.

Can you talk to the cemetary/ church, assuming that these are the only teddies etc left on the grave, maybe (for a fee) they can tend the grave and remove any soft toys etc. It is hard to be angry with the dead, but your dad was a willing party and she was together with him for 20yrs, longer than I have even known DH, I guess it shows at least she had a depth of feeling for him, and they both had respect for your mother when he was alive not to be too blatent about their relationship. A text reminding her of the agreement not to leave messages might help too.

Is it worth speaking to the person who maintains the cemetery? Could these notes be removed, especially if they are inappropriate?

I think if you tackle the woman, it may potentially get worse because she knows she's causing upset, which may (potentially) be her reason for doing this. She probably feels bitter, because OW status means even less when the man has died.

I'm sorry for your loss and also sorry that you cannot grieve in peace.

As it was an affair spanning several decades, your father may well have loved this woman too. Not neccessarily in the same way he loved your mother, but certainly for it to have lasted that long it was more than just a 'dirty' whole in corner affair.

I think you have a conflict of interest in that, certainly, you are right to want to protect your Mother, but also, in view of how long they were together, this woman has IMO got a right to pay her respects too, which you very fairly have acknowledged by allowing her to place flowers etc.

I think she should stop the notes, but be allowed to continue placing the flowers. I don't know how you would stop her though. Perhaps you could invite her round for an adult conversation about it. I know that sounds dreadful, but I think she is doing this because she is feeling bereft and has no one connected to him she can talk to, and the fact that you would prefer her to go away like she never existed, is motivating her continued note leaving. Maybe if you offered a little sympathy, let her talk about him she'd calm down and back off?

I'm typing this because I'm not involved, if it was me I would be angry too.

Cogito, i very much doubt she did have a more 'honest' relationship with him really. I suspect like so many ow she was sold some line about the marriage really being over, just together for the kids etc. which wasn't true. The marriage was very happy and fullfilled iykwim.

Why dont you take the notes and stick them in an envelope, post them to her husband and tell him you find her graveside teddybears and notes to your late father highly inappropriate, they upset your mother, the grieving widow immensely. Not only does she have to cope with losing her husband, but finding out that he has been cheating for a good number of years on top.

I would really do this, if I were in your position.

Cogito that's out of order. It may be what he liked about her but what on earth is she gaining by leaving them where she knows full well his family will see then. It's utter, cruel selfishness. I agree with Charbon here. That woman is out to wound not grieve.

I'd tell her husband. But then I'm ruthless, especially if someone I love is being hurt.

I know i am biased, that's why i posted. Thanks for the viewpoints. I will try the cemetary this afternoon.

I have tried sympathy, i even sent her photo's of my dad when she said she had none. I think that is why she backed off a while ago. But i am not a good enough person to offer a shoulder to cry on. Loneliness is the deal you make when you are the ow.

If i'd known about it when he was alive i would never have spoken to him again, and would just be able to hate her. funny the perspective bereavement gives.

I'm not out of order. Grave tokens often reflect the lives of the dead. You've only to look at a few of these terrible floral roadside tributes to see that 'good taste' isn't a given.

I too agree with you Charbon. RightFedUP yes,she is out to wound. IMO she should do her grieving somewhere else, privately, maybe somewhere they used to go. A family grave is not the place for the ow. She was never part of the family. And if she is grieving over your dad, surely her own dh must have noticed something amiss.

Quintessentially, i like the cut of your gib. Sadly have ritually burned thrown out all the messages and toys.

'The marriage was very happy and fullfilled' I'm sorry, but if this was the case how could this affair have gone on for so long?

You're right about perspective - it's easy to paint people more perfect when they die (from personal experience) After a long time, it's good to remember them 'whole' though. Best of luck - it's a horrible time - but it will get better eventually.