My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

I agree with cogito and sgb too.

Nobody has the right to tell anyone else how they should or should not grieve. Just because this woman was a OW doesn't mean her grief is any less relevant than that of the wife. No he didn't leave the wife but he didn't leave the ow either did he? For twenty years. This isn't just some quick sorde affair; this is a relationship that went on for two decades without the knowledge of either the wife or the children. Or perhaps the wife did in fact know and chose to remain oblivious - it happens. You can't tell me someone has an affair for twenty years and no-one knew - I don't believe that.

Op I know it's upsetting but whether you like it or not this woman was an important part of your dad's life, and he was an important part of her's. You don't know that your mum was a priority - material goods mean nothing.

quint, you can't possibly know that she is deliberately trying to hurt the op's family.

Grief affects people in different ways, it isn't for any of us to say how anyone else should be allowed to grieve, regardless of what circumstances brought them to that point.

These two people had a relationship for twenty years. She is not just some tart ow - you don't have a relationship with someone for that length of time and it be meaningless. And we don't actually know what state the marriage was in or whether in fact the ow is married - just because google says so doesn't make it so.

The fact is that two women have lost a partner. Neither of those womens' grief is less relevant than the other. It just isn't.

I quite agree QS but I'm responding to other posters' speculations about how the parents' marriage must have been different to the OP's view of things and I think that is highly inappropriate, insensitive and beyond that, ill-informed. I wanted to offer the OP some counteraction to her memories being trashed in such an insensitive way. However, the focus of this thread should have always been about how to deal with the behaviour that is causing so much distress, not the validity of the relationship.

I am not questioning her grief. Nor the relationship either of the parties had with each other and their spouses.

Only her behaviour.

It is bad "graveside manners."

Charbon, that seems to be my stance also. I mistook your previous post then for something it wasnt.

I think the op knows her own father better than any of us.
Her mother is her priority now and this woman is setting out to hurt her family.
I expect she is bitter because he left her nothing and asked to be buried with his wife.

Personally I would tell her that if the notes don't stop I will send them to her husband!

No problem QS .

This woman was a cheap little sexual addendum to a man's life for two decades.

She is not important, she is as irrelevant and pointless to his actual life now as she was when he was alive and fucked her secretly while carrying on with in public as though she didn't exist.

If he had wanted her to be publicly associated with his memory, he had plenty of opportunity to let the world know. He didn't. Because she wasn't important enough.

Her behaviour is unjustifiable and cruel now, just as it was when her lover was still alive.

I agree with Quintessential - there are steps you can take to make this awful woman stop her harassment of your mother. Take them.

"You don't know that your mum was a priority - material goods mean nothing"
That comment was just vile and completely unneccessary.

This thread shocks me.
I agree with AThinginyourLife and Bluesue.
Those of you taking the OWs side, think how you would feel if your DH died and his mistress was publicly rubbing your familys nose in their 20 year affair like this.
Completely disrespectful and cheap IMO but then only what you would expect from someone who spent 20 years of her life shagging a married man

Well said kaluki, and I think that this just shows how ruthless ow can be toward their affair partners family. I've seen it far too many times.

As Quint said. I would be calling her and making it clear that if she doesn't disappear off back to continue her life with the husband she still has, you will be talking to him next. She doesn't know you've destroyed the notes.

Other things - why the HELL should OP's mum 'create another place' to go? The grave is HER FAMILY PLOT. It's not even just OP's dad's plot. It's her mum's family place.

As someone upthread said, the deal you make when you agree to be an OW for 20 years is loneliness. This must be one of the biggest ways for that loneliness to play out. But that was her choice. Now she needs to suck it up, and grieve in private. Not harrass OP's family in this way. However, as others have also said, it's a behaviour issue. Which is also how you could choose to see having a longstanding affair. 'Not a sordid little fling' - no, it was a very long sordid fling instead of a little one. On both sides. Neither were honest enough to come clean, neither were they 'in love' enough to put each other first. For 20 years. Yes, I'd say pretty sordid and cheap. Just long-lived.

OP, I would contact her and let her know you'll tell her H and report her for harassment if she continues leaving stuff on the grave.

for you OP. I think you've handled your self really well.
I'd bundle up the letters and post then to her husband if it was me. the teddy bears and flowers are one thing but the notes are disgusting. They are left there for the living to read and that is not on.
Hope you and your family get the peace you deserve.

I would tell her that if she leaves any more notes they will be delivered back to her husband. Your priority is and has to be your Mum.

Of course, the OW is entitled to her grief, but if she is not doing this out of spite then she needs a wake up call. If you choose to have an affair with someone else's husband then you realise that is likely to have certain 'conditions' attached and she should not be doing things to hurt your Mother now, (for all we know she wanted to tell your Mum when your father was alive and he stopped her) especially when your father is gone and the hurt caused to your poor Mum is likely to be much greater as she cannot have it out with him or get angry with him.

I really feel for you, this is an awful situation to be in.

How can you not have a picture of someone you have known/slept with for 20 years. Especially in this day and age where pretty much every single phone has a camera. Are you sure this is not some kind of sick revenge for your dad breaking up with her when your mother found out about it and he came begging back to her. Are you absolutely sure that he was still having an affair with her!?

I honestly can't believe people are defending this woman. She chose to have a 20 year affair with another woman's husband without, and this is as far as I can see it the most important part, the wife's consent. The Op's father wasn't in an open marriage it was a clandestine affair. Now she wants to leave notes and flowers on the wife's family grave. It is ridiculous. Of course she can grieve for her dead lover no one is stopping her, however she is continuing to add hurt to those who she has already hurt during his lifetime.

OP it was very good of you to let her leave flowers but I would ask her to stop now with the flowers and notes and leave your family in peace.

I'd do what Midori suggested.

Sorry for your loss.

I do think the OW is of course entitled to her grief but you know when you choose to be the OW part of that role is not having public recognition - particularly when this is a family grave with grandparents in - its just distasteful to leave inappropriate notes.

Why not contact her and tell her that if she doesn't stop you will do what QuintessentialShadows has suggested?
Ok, so you might not actually do it but the threat alone might make her stop.

Yes I was also going to ask how you know the affair had lasted 20 years . . .

OP, you sound lovely and I'm sorry for your loss , I'm not going to comment on either relationship as you never know what goes on in someone elses marriage. I'd just tell the OW that you mum is your priority and to stop this or yes, maybe her husband needs to be informed.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, secondly sorry for the loss of your father and finding out that he was not who you thought he was at all.
I know you are trying to protect your mum from more pain but maybe you need to let the truth come out.

Sadly (however dirty) the OW was part of his life and to carry on for 20 years must have meant a lot to him.
I do think it is disrespectful of her to leave messages on his grave and this must be stopped, have you thought of telling her that if she does not stop it you will inform her husband that he has also lived a lie for 20 years and his marriage is a sham.

Personally (because I am a bitch) I would tell him anyway and blow her whole fake life out of the water

What a bloody nightmare.... Huge huge for you OP.... xx

People behave very strangely when having lost a loved one... This woman shared 20 years of her life with your Dad... and he grief does count... BUT, she needs to be told to 'back off' and 'ditch the notes/bears' etc... Soooooo inappropriate and disrespectful. Your Mum and you and your family take precedence here and I feel that a phonecall to the cemetery is recommended now to ask them to do something. Surely, they have come across this sensitive situation before.....?

Again.... a huge hug... and please take care of yourself... not long to go now and you'll have your beautiful baby in your arms. xxx

another thought, I would not be surprised if her husband already knows. She is not exactly subtle is she!!

Restraining order.