My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

SerendipitousHarlot - since you quoted me as one of the posters making vicious comments towards the OW by saying

I wasn't being vicious. Just stating a fact.
Shagging married men, whether it is once or every night for 20 years is cheap and disrespectful and shows a complete lack of morals.
The way this OW is behaving now goes beyond that - I don't see how anybody can condone it.

I'm honestly not condoning it.

I'm just wanting people to show a bit of mercy towards the ow when she is also grieving. I have said many times that I'm not condoning her behaviour now either, she is being disrespectful without a doubt.

Er, The OW isn't 'grieving' by leaving intimate notes at the grave. She's being a shit. She can go to visit the grave and leave flowers - that's fine. Instead of that she's choosing to leave messages for his widow to find. And it's not like she's all alone - the woman is actually married!

Why would anyone in the ops position want to show the ow mercy? I thinks she has enough already. But when she is deliberately setting out to hurt her own mother and leaving sexual notes on a grave then I think rightly the mercy from op has gone. Family first.

It's harassment of the family, I would definitely talk to the police about it. If he were alive and she were leaving notes, inappropriate ones, wherever, trying to cause upset and distress to the mil. Which is what this is doing. The police would take action, it's not different because he's dead. It's a family grave, so it is harrasement if she has been told to stop. It's not public property.

The OP shouldn't have to do anything for OW....she owes her fuck all.
At the end of the day it is a family plot, the OP's grandparents are buried there aswell..she needs to stop leaving inappropriate notes on the grave.

I wonder how much compassion the people defending the OW would feel if it was their life this situation was applied to.

And did you miss the part in where the OP said she's already contacted the woman and asked her to stop with the notes. And it stopped for a while and then started again - 'I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.'

She knows exactly what she's doing.

Trying, I'm so sorry you've been put in this difficult position. It's bad enough that you had to find out this about your father and hide it from your mother.

I agree with Narked OW knows what she's doing. In the OP it says that there was a 'brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.'
Then she leaves dodgy messages at the grave (which, sorry but who does that without thinking that family visitors to a family grave will read notes to see see who they are from). This woman may be grieving but her way of coping with the loss is hurting the people that her MM left behind which, with the greatest compassion in the world is not what he would have wanted. I think OP has been perfectly reasonable by agreeing that flowers are ok. If she stopped before she may respond to a polite yet firm repetition of the agreement.
I am sorry for your loss.

I'm in Quintessentially, et al's camp.

I agree that part of what she's doing by leaving the notes at a family gravesite that others visit is making herself/the realtionship public in a way that she may well know your father was unwilling/wouldn't have wanted when he was alive.

"Oh, I wonder what that is on X's grave?" Widening the circle of people who may comment on it. "Oh WHO'S THAT?!" etc. This would get back to you and your mum - she must realise that. If she wanted to 'spare' your mother, like she said to you initially, she would not be doing this.

I feel like there is some underlying anger towards him too. "I'm gonna tell the world!" sort of thing.

I like the idea of asking if you can pay for a removal service but would this prevent other grievers from leaving things? That would really annoy me. If you're not personally into that, then do it.

If they don't offer this, I might give her one more chance to stop (via text). Then I would start posting the letters back to her house. You could address them to both her and her husband.

many x posts...

If she leaves any more sexually suggestive notes at the grave , I would be inclined to send them to her husband with a note saying " Dear Mr OW, your wife left these messages at the grave of my grandparents and father- as they cannot possibly be the intended recipients I wonder whether your wife has mixed up her notes and sent a message intended for you ? ".

The woman is obviously trying to cause havoc. Her behaviour is unacceptable.
she does not need to leave things on the grave.
I hope your poor mother doesn't come across these things.

I agree that what is women is doing is so wrong, but can I ask one question? If it not too personal how do you know that this affair lasted 20years, do you have more than her word for it?

It just seems very odd that she didn't (or claims not to have any photos) and this attention seeking behaviour. . just rings odd with me.

Does anyone actually read the responses properly?

I don't think the OP owes this woman anything, not at ALL!

I'm talking about the posters here! The vitriol towards someone they don't even know!

The posters have given their analysis based on the information given and their point of view, which is exactly what you are doing when you are being critical of the posters.

Having sex with a married man means that you are his dirty little secret if it happens once, or it happens 1000 times over a twenty year period.
This woman has NO right to behave in this way and if I were you OP, I would give her one very clear message that the next note/piece of tat will be forwarded straight to her husband. Your poor mum - cannot begin to imagine how this bizarre behaviour is affecting her.

I agree with Cats that is does sound odd that she didn't have any photos of him, is apparently going public now when she was apparently discreet for 20 years etc. She said she got in touch with you to clear up some photos of her in underwear, was this on line stuff or actual paper photos. Did she know for sure where he kept them? It seems very odd she apparently wanted you to clear evidence but is now leaving evidence. It is possible she is more fantasy stalker than actual OW, or your DF was just careful. Either way, it is a family grave and she has no right to invade that too but it is not your problem to solve. I can only suggest cutting contact with her to emphasise your family boundaries. It may not stop her, nothing else has so far, but at least you will be less stressed.

This woman may be being evil and vindictive or she may be having a breakdown. The father (sorry OP) seems to have spent years playing the big hero, rescuer role to someone who is, in OP's words, quite the opposite of her mother, i.e. not strong, not capable, not full of insight, perhaps can only see her self-worth in getting praise for being great in bed. Maybe he was respite for OW, while she is maybe stuck in a marriage that she is too weak or too scared to leave? The father reaped this by keeping a relationship going, by using someone for sex, enjoying someone who didn't challenge him - and now the result is being sewn. OP can try and protect her mother but short of manning the grave with a bodyguard to keep the notes away she can't stop this. Having been "rescued" by the father over all these years maybe the OW has now lost all reason completely and is wanting to be rescued by his family.

The only way out of this I'd see is to ignore her, and ignore the tokens, there is after all no need to read the notes and anything left on the grave can be removed regularly to the bin.