My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

I agree

Chardon- Oh yes, sorry, I only quoted what she said, to agree with her, not to disagree with you. IYSWIM

I don't think the OW DID choose this life.

I think she loved this man and, for whatever reason, decided that something was better than nothing. Obviously, what's hard for the OP to determine is how much is truth and how much is 'what the OW wanted to believe'

The OP's dad did choose to keep the OW secret (or as secret as was possible) so I think it's fair to say he would not have wanted to consider her leaving love notes on his grave...

WHether the OW is justified (in that the OP's dad promised a lot more) or not (it's all in her head) is irrelevant now. OW has every right to grieve but this should be outside of the OP's dad's family. Just as her relationship was.

After 20 years... they must have some favourite spots etc., buy a bench, plant a tree and remember him in your own way. But I don't think the OP's family have anything to do with this relationship.

Wow, Gunz.... I'd probably calm down a bit if I were you. She hasn't killed someone, fgs.

I'm pretty shocked you sent her photos tbh. I can't get my head around any of this!

Oh i'm calm honey! i just needed to get it through to you and those supporting the OW that when she decided to have an affair, she CHOSE THIS LIFE.

Such hatred for someone you don't even know.

I sympathise with the OP and her family. And what the ow is doing is out of order, I've said that several times.

However. She is a human being. I find it hard to understand how so many of you can feel so aggressively towards someone that has lost her lover.

I agree with Squeakytoy.

a twenty year relationship is a very long and very strong one. I think the op and her family are being extremely cruel to deny her the way they are.

Your father loved her. How he did is his choice, not for you to judge. If you have any feelings of love or respect for him, then you will honour him, and allow his other widow to grieve him. Because thats exactly what she is.

Serendipitous, you still don't seem to get the point, its not about hating the ow, like you said neither i nor anybody here knows her, but her actions are a disgrace and hurtful to an innocent person the OP's mother, OW was thoughtless when OP's father was alive engaging in an illicit affair and continues to be so after his death.

What exactly are you proposing OP and her DM should do for OW ? Nobody can stop her from grieving, her grief is her own and can't be taken away, but she should do it privately and leave her lover's widow and family to grieve in peace.

"Extremestupidity" - well need i say more

a twenty year relationship is a very long and very strong one

and a 48 year marriage is an even stronger one...

FFS, if this woman had one shred of decency in her, she would keep a low profile, stay away from this man's family, who are damn well entitled to show their grief, and have some dignity.

This is not the actions of a grieving woman, this is the action of a bitch who didnt get what she wanted for the last twenty years, and is now making damn sure her presence is acknowledged by hurting her lover's family.

Why was she not so keen on making herself known while he was alive? What is she hoping to achieve by leaving notes and presents on his grave, that she knows will be found by his wife and family. She could go to the grave, she could cry at the grave, but what she is doing is disgusting.

For the record, i have said she can leave flowers at the grave, just not notes and messages. Especially sexually suggestive little notes. It's hardly infringing on her grief, just asking her to display a smidgeon of class and not cause any more pain, we've all had quite enough of that.

While you don't chose who you fall in love with, however you do get to have a choice over your actions, shagging someone else when you are married and the other person is also married is a choice, a choice made repeaidly over 20 years. we don't know if she wanted him to leave and he didn't, or if she didn't want to leave her DH and was happy with the 'bit on the side' nature of their relationship, but we do know she didn't take the decision over 20 years to act with consideration to the OP's mother, so it's not suprising she's also not acting with consideration now.

She now has 'nothing to lose' with upsetting the OP's mum as she doesn't have to worry her lover will be forced to chose and dump her. However, threatening to tell the OW's DH might give her 'something to lose' that might make her go back to acting discreetly.

The OP doesn't need the OW to stop caring or stop grieving, it doesn't really matter if she's upset or not, all that matters to the OP is that she starts being discreet again. The OW doesn't seem to care about OP's feelings, or that of her family, so why should they care about hers? OP, show her grief the same respect she showed yours.

Oh I get the point alright! I just don't think that the vicious comments about the ow are necessary.

You respect other people's grief. The OP's mum is respecting the fact that the OW is grieving.

OW isn't respecting anyone. Not even her ex-lover. Leaving suggestive notes? They are designed to hurt his wife, nothing else.

Serendipitous - No, you definitely dont get it! Saying "she chose this life" is vicious is it ? The person being vicious is the sick OW leaving sex/suggestive messages at a DEAD man's family grave.

OP has allowed said woman to leave flowers, she even sent her photos of her dad (mind boggling) what else are they supposed to do ? No regard for the poor widow who knew nothing of this floozy till after her husband's death, insult to injury caused by both her dh and OW, and you have the audacity to call them CRUEL ?

What sick world are you living in ?

"If you have any feelings of love or respect for him, then you will honour him, and allow his other widow to grieve him. Because thats exactly what she is."

That's exactly what she isn't.

Fucking someone secretly doesn't mean you love them no matter how long you do it for.

If the OP's Dad wanted to have two widows he would not have kept his tacky bit on the side a secret.

Honouring him means respecting his decision to stay married to the woman who is now his widow.

If this horrible bitch had any genuine love for him she would not be dancing all over his grave demanding acknowledgement he never wanted her to have.

To have accepted his need for discretion in life and then go all out to force acknowledgement on a grieving widow when he is no longer there to stop you is profoundly disrespectful of his memory.

Not to mention cruel and completely without dignity.

I wasn't talking about you in particular. I'm talking about things like

Where did I call anyone cruel?

really? making fun of my name is the best you can do guns?

what a lot of posters on here are failing to realise is that this woman is also his widow. as such, she deserves not to be hounded in her grief.

I don't see how saying: "", is a vicious comment. That is a slight exaggeration. It's a fair observation that this 'OW' wants recognition based on the OP's description of the situation. If the OP's family must have it shoved down their throats, why leave the OW's out?

athinginlife. real life isnt that black and white. its all about shades of grey. Its perfectly possible to love two people completely but in different ways. To have a house and home with one person, and a different relationship with another. that doesnt mean that when you are gone, only one of those people is allowed to grieve.

i feel sorry for this woman. not only has she lost her companion of two decades, she is now being treated disgracefully by his family. yes, she should have stayed away and continued the relationship as it first was. from what the op says, thats exactly what she was trying to do at first when she contacted the daughter to remove evidence of her. But grief doesnt work in a logical order. its possible to be perfectly ok for weeks or even months, and then breakdown completely and act in completely inappropriate ways. which it now seems she is doing. a little mercy from the op family wouldnt go amiss here.

A widow is the title of a spouse that is survived by the deceased, the OW was not a spouse and is therefore not a widow.

Perfectly put, extreme

Is that like not being able to call someone a Stepmum if her and her partner aren't married. notoriginal?