My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

I'd actually contact the local police helpline tbh. She has no rights . She isn't family, she isn't welcome to the family grave. She knew the score being the ow.

If you believe these actions are malicious, intended to hurt and distress your mother, 100 go to the police for advice. I would say this is harassment. Especially after you asked her to stop.

What a horrible woman. Oh and tell the husband.

I would contact a solicitor and get him/her to send her a 'cease and desist' letter (or whatever it's called).

Or yes, go to the police. Perhaps a copper having a quiet word is all that's needed.

Thing is, when the OP's father was alive, the OW seems to have been 'happy' to be the secret OW, but now, when all she's risking is upsetting the wife, but now the man in the middle of this is dead, she's "safe" to be public, but is still only public in a way that affects the wife, not her husband (who's highly unlikely to visit the grave).

OP - I'd text her again, tell her than any further notes/cards left at the grave will be collected up and sent to her husband. She can decide if she wants to be open about her 20 year relationship (and actually deal with the consequenses of that) or stay a secret. She is grieving, but she's also still lying and sneaking around. She's still emotionally cheating.

The op has stated that she had to send the OW photos of her father as she didn't have any. After 20yrs??? You would have thought the OW might have taken the odd photo over a 20yr fling - he can't have meant that much to her whilst still alive.

I appreciate that the OW is grieving but I think all her little love notes makes ne think that the OW is still caught up in the drama of the affair.

i think it's fishy - i wouldn't trust this woman at all.

and i agree with a text to say 'do it once more and you're busted. goddit?'

Who gives a flying fuck whether the OW is in agony or anything else frankly. She doesn't deserve a shred of recognition or sympathy from the OP or her family, and she should stay away.

OP - I would tell her husband. Then she will be too busy sorting out her own family to be wasting her time trying to upset you and yours.

That's what I mean TheCrackFox, about the pictures. He had pictures of her, it makes no sense that she wouldn't have any of him.

I have read this thread with interest:

1. The more I think about the photos, the odder it seems. If she loves / loved him enough to want to remember anniversaries etc., then it DOES seem strange that she wouldn't have had quite enough photos of him and that does make it sound like she wants to cause trouble and (of course) your dad is not about to keep her in check (which must have been what has happened, as she must have wanted more - it's the only way to explain her behaviour now)

1. I don't think you should contact her family. You are engaging with her. If I were you, I'd tell your mum what you know to be true. Whatever else this woman says, just chalk it up to her being a bit deluded (and the whole not having photos of him but contacting his DD for some photos actually does sound a bit odd).

I too am horrified at seem of the posts on here condoning the behaviour of the OW. As others have said, nobody is denying she's grieving but to do what she is doing, on a family plot, is unforgivable. I'd be contacting her with a warning that if she doesn't back off then her dh gets all the letters, toys etc.
And I also think some of the comments on here are just meant to cause offence....OP, ignore the people out to trash your memories x

Totally agree with lordy lordy: Don't engage!!
It really seems that this is what she is after. She wants contact, and then make demands. And, husband is probably in collusion.
Fairly classic scenario actually.
Don't fall for it.
Keep silent.

Finding it a bit hard to have sympathy for the OW, although I know I should. The situation she now finds herself in is the result of the scenario she pursued.

"Charbon, what relationship the mistress had with ops dad really does not matter. It really is beside the point. Nobody can change the past. The issue is her behaviour now. She does not have to mark any territory. The territory is gone. She is married, he was married, yet she is now deliberately trying to hurt the op and her family? To what end? What is she hoping to achieve by behaving like a lovesick tart leaving love notes that are purely designed to upset other grieving people? That is the issue. Now what role she filled in ops dads life. One should not speculate, it is distasteful, to be honest"

Quint. Totally agree. She has the right to her feelings, but the right to this behaviour - no

SORRY ^^ wrong thread

Thought I was going mad for a moment there. Was wondering how Xenia's usual advice of going out to get a 6-figure salary job 2 weeks after giving birth to quads, fitted in with the OP's situation.

OP
I think you need to make it blatantly clear to the ow that actually if she was that important you dad would have made a life with her. He had his opportunity and he DIDN'T do this. That is the key. And she didn't leave her dh either.
Its not some soppy love affair, it was seedy and she is now making everyone elses life a misery not just your mums but ALL of her family that take time to grieve at her FAMILY grave.
I would contact her and give it to her straight. He wasn't the one she wanted and that as far as you can see she will never be recognised by you or any of your family, however if she continues you will have no choice but to contact her dh and tell him what has been going on.

When will the OW get it into their minds that if they were that important they would be the dw.

I can't believe some of you are putting the ow feelings above OP and her mum. In this situation I would protect my mum against anymore hurt and tell the totally selfish OW to stay away from the grave, stay away from my family otherwise I will tell her husband. I really wouldn't give a shiny shit about the OW's feelings, she lived a secret life for 20 years and she should continue to do so xx

clam

Gafhy - please read all my posts. I agree with you! QS misunderstood the motive behind the post you've re-quoted.

It seems to me that all that's needed here is for you to reiterate to the ow that she can leave flowers if she so wishes but, should those flowers be accompanied by notes or other momentos, any extraneous material will be sent to her h with a letter explaining that his dw has continued to spend time at your df's grave despite your family's requests that she desists from this activity.

I'm sorry for your mum, this must be just awful for her.

I really do understand why loads of people are doing the whole Burn The Witch! thing.... and I do think she's being really inappropriate, fwiw. I would lose my temper with her.

But - what's all this 'she chose this life' bollocks? Ffs, the woman has lost someone that she has been intimate with for more than 20 years! Have some humanity.

I'm not an OW, by the way, and have not been one.

I am amazed at the posts supporting the OW.. this is a family grave, bought and paid for, and tended by the family of the man in it. If she wants to grieve then do it in secret, the same way she kept her relationship with him for the last 20 years.

If she had meant anything to him, he would have chosen to spend his life with her, he didnt.

the OW was happy to have a secret relationship for 20 yrs, she should learn to be happy to gieve in the same way.

Serendipitousharlot -
SHE CHOSE THIS LIFE! SHE CHOSE THIS LIFE! SHE CHOSE THIS LIFE, and she deserves NOTHING, not even his BOLLOCKS.