My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

OP, I feel for you. My father behaved in a similar manner, but ended up leaving my mother for OW.

5 years on and they've still not entirely gone away. Despite the fact that he now lives at the other end of the country, he gets into contact with my mother from time to time over very trivial matters.

I know my situation is very different to yours, but my mother has never got over the betrayal and I don't think she ever will. I totally understand your desire to protect your mum, and in your shoes I would do anything in my power to keep OW away from your family grave.

Also - Cogito - it's so not about taste - just common humanity but there, I guess, our opinions part company.

This.

And whoever said a letter/text/phonecall to try and make her see things from your mum's point of view.

She's obviously desperate to be recognised as being a part of his life by wanting you rub your family's noses in their affair. For this reason I would tell her husband and let her have all the recognition she wants. He deserves to know tbh.

She had a relationship with your father that lasted twenty years. Now you and your family are trying to tell her that she doesn't matter and has no right to her feelings: the poor woman must be in agony.
Your father's the one who was breaking his vows to your mother, just because he is dead does not justify aggression and hostility towards the other woman (presumably projected because your mother can't get at your father to tell him what she thinks of him).

"She's obviously desperate to be recognised as being a part of his life by wanting you rub your family's noses in their affair. For this reason I would tell her husband and let her have all the recognition she wants. He deserves to know tbh."

Ay.

YOU have to deal with her public display, you have to deal with her imposing on your family. Let her husband in on this.

I would have to say something to her about her husband. She's leaving those notes for your mum to read and that's not fair on your mum.

I don't know how or why the affair went on so long. I think my dad enjoyed the sneaking around and the ow is very different from my mum. She is much younger and less educated, my guess is she made my dad feel smart and worldy. I'm sure he did love them both in different ways, my mum for her brains, strength and independence and to the ow he played the typical sugar daddy role. Feel slightly queasy typing that but it's the best answer i can get to.

But the ow is being so unkind now i just can't see what he saw in her. He would have hated what she is doing. I think, anyway.

So what if she is in agony?
The ops mum is also in agony.

Why should the mistress have the right to worsen the wives agony?

Did you manage to convey in your communication with her that your parents' marriage was very different to the line she was probably sold? If so, I think this is petulant anger, not grief. I'm not assuming by the way that she didn't feed your dad similar lines about her own marriage so I think it's a bit of a stereotype to think that she is a poor lonely soul who put her life on hold for a man who wouldn't commit to her, but it's possible that she has realised that the relationship was a falsehood and there might be anger about the impact this has had on her life and what were ultimately her own choices.

She probably thinks like most OW/OM that it's impossible for a marriage to be happy and fulfilled and still have an affair, but we all know that's not true and that affairs are not always a reflection of the marriage, but of the person having the affair and their own inadequacies.

The cemetery idea sounds a good move, but I would just ignore the OW from now on and encourage your mum to create a secondary place that's just for her. Poor you and so sorry for this unnecessary grief on top of your loss. It is abominably selfish behaviour and disrespectful on so many levels, not least to her own husband and children. But don't feed it.

There is no point questioning the relationships.

The fact is that this woman is behaving appallingly, and taunting her lovers family. She does not have to do that. She can grieve with dignity. Like the widow.

What QS said in all her posts. She gets it.

notoriginal... i totally agree, she sooo deserves recognition, maybe not for her relationship with the OPs father but for her behaviour since his death.

oops QS i need to type faster

She's married????

I'd post all the little notes she's left to her DH, along with a short explanatory note.

I agree with Cogito and SGB.

Dignity cuts both ways. This is not just any old "OW". This is someone that your father chose to betray your mother with for 20 years.

However much it hurts to admit it your father's marriage was not "happy and fulfilled". However much it hurts to admit it, this woman was bloody important to him and it really is not for you to question that.

What you could do, is write to her again, and ask her to think of your mother's ongoing grief.

Do not even think of telling her husband because that would push you far further down the moral scale than she (and your father) ever went.

She needs to put a plaque on a bench or plant a tree somewhere that was special to them and go there to grieve.

I think the mistress needs to recognize that she still has a husband. And memories of her time together with the ops late father.

The widow has lost her husband. Her memories of time together with her late husband has been tarnished by the mistress.

The widow has done nothing to the mistress, and does not deserve additional hurt.

Nobody denies the mistress her grief.

Her grief is not the issue, but her behaviour is.

Goodness, what a terribly difficult situation.

I agree with Marshmallowpies, that she needs to dedicate a tree or a bench or something in order to have somewhere to go to grieve.

Her relationship with your father was important (agree with SGB) but it was OUTSIDE of his marriage, which he chose to maintain. So it's not unreasonable, IMHO, for her to grieve outside of that marriage as well.

Have you considered contacting her children (adults now, yes?) I think I would start with them rather than her husband. They may be able to talk to her and are also in a similar position to you.

"This is not just any old "OW". This is someone that your father chose to betray your mother with for 20 years".

Could this possibly be the reason she should show his widow some respect?

If she is some 'special type' of other woman, another reason her husband should know.

He chose to stick with his family in life, and also in death. Maybe that's what she can't come to terms with.

I dislike the way some of these posts about your parent's marriage are trying to distort your truth and your memories OP and I think they are based on a somewhat naive view of secondary relationships, the reasons for them and the role they perform. Based on what you've said, it's possible that the affair allowed your father to play a role that was impossible to enact with your competent, independent mother. That is therefore more about him than your mother or their relationship. I would advise you to retain your memories and see this as a reflection of a part of your father that he didn't have the courage to show to his loved ones, but would also discourage you from thinking that this was any reflection of his happiness with your mother and you as his family.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. I can't imagine how much harder this has made for you and your mum.
I'd let the OW know again that you do not want her to leave anything at your dads grave as it's hurting your Mum. I'd then tell her if she does continue I would be calling her hisband and children tbh.

You're supposed to suffer in silence, as she covers your Dads grave in notes, while she carries on life with her husband and children blissfully unaware?
I don't think so.

Charbon, what relationship the mistress had with ops dad really does not matter. It really is beside the point. Nobody can change the past. The issue is her behaviour now. She does not have to mark any territory. The territory is gone. She is married, he was married, yet she is now deliberately trying to hurt the op and her family? To what end? What is she hoping to achieve by behaving like a lovesick tart leaving love notes that are purely designed to upset other grieving people? That is the issue. Now what role she filled in ops dads life. One should not speculate, it is distasteful, to be honest.

I completely agree with all of Quints posts.

Even if you want to be fair minded and accept she is grieving which I'm sure she is. It is possible to grieve gor someone without littering their grave.