My dead father's ow won't go away

[Tryingtobenice]

Shortly after my dad died 18 months ago i found out he'd been having an affair. A very long (20+ years) affair, though there must have been breaks in that time.

There was a brief and messy set of text interactions with the ow, where it all came out. In fairness to her the reason she confessed was so i could clear up the evidence of her (photos of her in sexy underwear etc, classy stuff) so my mum didn't find out.

But since then she can't keep a low profile and it is really hurting my mum. All she actually does is leave stuff at the grave, mostly tacky teddy bears but also sometimes notes, like 'our anniversary' or a couple of times suggestive notes that are really inappropriate at a grave.

The grave is a family grave so grandparents are buried there and other family visit it, it will one day be my mum's as well.

I have asked her to stop, by text, and for a while she did, leaving just flowers and no notes etc. now she is at it again.

How do i make her stop. Face to face is no use at the moment as i am 250 miles away and 39 weeks pregnant. My being pregnant is obviously happy time but tinged with the sadness of my dad missing out. This is not what my mum needs to see when she visits the grave of her husband of 48 years.

Sorry for rembling

How is she being treated disgracefully by his family?

They have asked her to stop leaving suggestive messages at his grave. That's not exactly outrageous. Christ, the OP might have a word with her mother if she were doing that

not only has she lost her companion of two decades, she is now being treated disgracefully by his family

seriously???? his companion was his WIFE.. not some bit on the side... as for treated disgracefully, how can you possibly even think that. SHE is the one behaving disgracefully.

Would you have mercy if your own Mother had buried your Father and some stranger was leaving crude notes on his grave? I cannot imagine you would feel so benevolent if that were the case.

I think the OP should ask her to behave in a more appropriate manner, I really do. She IS being disrespectful, and it needs to stop. That's not the point I'm making.

The OW is not another widow.

She is married to someone else.

And she should butt right out and stay away.

Dreadful behaviour.

I'm not excusing the OP's Father's behaviour either which was also pretty damn poor but this woman should fuck off and stay away.

I would be very tempted to deck her,but would probably desist as that would upset my Mother too and it sounds like the OP's Mum has enough to get her head round at the moment.

He was not her partner, it was an extra marital affair. He never left his family, they were never in a stable relationship, how is that anywhere near a step parent?

That's not what I meant. You said that she couldn't be called a widow as her lover was married to someone else. Emotionally, she is still a widow.

I likened it to someone saying that you can't be called a stepmum, even if your partners children live with you, if you are not married to their partner.

The point I'm trying to make, is to have a little mercy. She needs warning off, as she is hurting the OP's mum and her family at an already difficult time. But why would anyone want to cause her more trouble? What would be the point of that? She is already unhappy, I suspect, do you really want to make her more so just for the sake of moral outrage?

Out of curiosity, how many of the posters on here have been or are the OW? I only ask because I'm astounded that anybody thinks this behaviour is normal, let alone defend it.

Also, people are totally missing the point of what's being said. Of course she will grieve, that's not unusual given the length of time it was going on, but her behaviour is weird, disgusting and clearly intended for harm.

She is a married woman to a very living husband. How on earth can she be any widow?

She might FEEL like a widow though, yes?

Nope,never been 'the OW'.

I have just a little bit more respect for myself.

And someone else asked how the OP knows that it went on for 20 years....did i miss the answer or did the OW tell the OP this.

You could be right she may FEEL, however invalid it is, but how is rubbing his family's noses in it going to make her FEEL any better? If she really loved him to the point of FEELING like a widow, she would want to respect what they had in life, which was a SECRET affair.

She may feel like a widow but she isn't one.

She did make her choices and ..... oh yes..... she is still married to someone else!

And now she wants recognition of her loss.

Tough.

She might FEEL like a widow though, yes?

Not really, she can feel like a widow when her own husband dies.

Just because they were fucking doesn't make her "emotionally a widow".

None of us know whether this man loved her. Maybe he did, maybe he just used her for a bit of illicit sneaking about.

Either way, a marriage is about a publicly shared life, about family and, in this case, children. It is not comparable to a secret sexual relationship.

You can be widowed from the former. Not the latter.

Putting sexy notes on a grave that you know will be found by the family you spent 20 years harming is an act of spiteful wantonness.

She is defacing his grave, the nasty tacky bitch.

Love my fat arse. Anyone who knew the meaning of the word would not act like this.

I do think a lot of posts on here are being harsh about the OW; a little bit of mercy wouldn't go astray given that we're talking about a 20 year relationship. And she does need to grieve.

BUT she's definitely behaving inappropriately, and even more so given that you have asked her to stop leaving notes. I agree with whoever it was upthread who suggested she needs to make her own memorial somewhere and grieve there.

I think what I would do is to post the inappropriate memorials back to HER (not her husband). This will bring the reality of things back to the home turf that she shares with her husband, and remind her (again) that it's not on for her to disturb the home turf of your DM.

While I can see how its insensitive behavior I also agree with Bucharest, Cogito, SGB, WannaBe and others.

20 years is more than a 'dirty secret' 'sordid affair' and all the other bile being spouted here...particularly the nasty vulgar posts by AThingInYourLife.

All the agression towards this OW, well the OPs dad knew what he was doing, he was married and he chose to have this other relationship, OPs mum knew about it!

Its horrible for the OP and her mum, but the OW is also grieving, if she is indeed married she will be having to carry on like nothing is wrong [unless her DH knows?] that would be enough to send anyone grieving for the person they love over the edge.

Nobody actually knows the depth of the relationship with the ow. It may have just been a 'bit of fun' , it may have been deeper, but no one will ever know for sure. Even the ow may be a bit dillusional about how the op's dad felt about her.
The point is that her behaviour is distasteful and disrespectful.
Her relationship was a secret and thats exactly how her grieving should be.
I think she is showing no respect at all for the op's dad, which to me means that she didn't really love him.

Absolutely. She is completely allowed to grieve but leaving obscene notes on a family grave is odd at best.

In fact it doesn't sound very grieving to me- if she was truly in love with the OP's father she would empathise with his widow's loss and not want to put her through the pain of finding those notes.
It very attention-seeking and spiteful IMO.

For the record has anyone heard of inappropriate letters being left on graves? It just seems so... bizarre.

I agree that everyone seems to be projecting onto the OW. They may have just had kinky sex for 20 years and he never thought twice about her other than a quick shag or it could have been that he would have left his wife for her, if circumstances were different, - we don't know, so can we all stop projecting?

What we do know is that he chose to stay married and left all his worldly goods and presumably funeral arrangements to his wife and family. She apparently didn't even have a photo of him(??), so I'm guessing he made his allegiances pretty clear there.

And I think we can all agree that kinky messages on graves are a bit bleurgh (can't we?) Not to mention heartless when you are the OW and you know the wife will see them.

I agree with the poster who said post any messages back to her. She managed to conduct the last 20 years of her life in secret, I'm sure she can manage the grieving bit too.

OP, I am really sorry for your loss and for the stress that you don't need during your pregnancy. I hope your Mum will take solace in a new grandchild. MY PFB was conceived 3 months after my dad died and although it was poignant in some ways, he helped us all heal.

Can I just add that I worked with a woman who was the OW for probably about 20 years. By the time I knew her she was in her late 50s and told me it was more of a platonic friendship, but had been a passionate romance in the past. The family knew about her, but didn't acknowledge her - it was sort of semi-official.

Her 'lover' died, but didn't go to the funeral, even though she had lost a friend, because she didn't want to hurt his family (the man she had loved) and even though she wasn't the most tactful person in the world, she would never have dreamed of acting in the way the OW is acting.

And, her lover left her provision in his will (not a huge amount, but an acknowledgement of sorts).

There are all sorts of relationships, and there are some screwed up twisted people too.

How does the length of time change the fact that it was a dirty secret?

It was a dirty secret that lasted for 20 years.

That doesn't confer any specialness on it.

The OP's Dad chose to have the relationship and chose to keep it secret. He chose to stay with his wife after it was found out, and chose to spend the rest if his life pretending the OW was not a part of it.

Nothing in his actions say that she mattered to him as anything more than a fancy piece.

It's like people with partners who clearly don't love them that much insisting that X number of years proves commitment/love, when in fact all it shows for sure is that something was convenient and that people can be lazy about ending things.

People who are in love don't keep it a secret for two decades.

If this woman was convinced of her place in his heart she wouldn't be trying to stake her claim now that he's not there to refute her delusions.

A lot of assumptions there.

Tryingtobenice

I am so sorry for your loss.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope your baby brings you all tremendous joy at this difficult time.

The OW is grieving. She must be devastated but she had no reason to tell anyone about this affair and I don't believe her stated reasons for telling at all. If she was out to genuinely save grief and shock from arriving in your mother's broken heart then she wouldn't be doing what she is doing now.

My advice would be to contact her and say if she leaves anymore innapropriate items on the grave you will be contacting her husband and the police. Whether the police can do anything is by the by, the threat will hopefully be enough.

Comments about the OP's parents relationship is totally out of order and unkind on a thread such as this. They clearly had love for each other or one would have left. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons, you can love more than one person, it doesn't make you evil.

OP, you aren't trying to be nice. You are being nice and calm and measured. Look after yourself.

'I find it hard to understand how so many of you can feel so aggressively towards someone that has lost her lover.'

Because it was stolen goods. Because she is behaving so terribly badly. Yes I am sure it was a beautiful beautiful, but it was not legitimate, it was done behind the backs of a LOT of people, because it has caused such pain and because she is now demanding LEGITIMACY for something illegitimate.

If he had loved her as much as she feels, he should have left and lived with her. But he didn't, he chose what he had chosen legitimately.