Please help me. My partner just shoved me against a wall by the throat and asked if I wanted to seee what murder looked like.

[theincredibequeenofwands]

He stormed out after a while.

I'm really shaken and I don't know what to do.

He was made redudant and is really stressed. I'm working as many hours as I can to make everything okay but he won't apply for jobs. I was looking online for him but and trying to get him interested and he just flipped.

I'm too ashamed to call up a friend and my parent's phone is engaged.

Please talk to me.

:'o(

queenofwands I hope you and DC are ok, you sound like you havee your head screwed on. I hope you DH can get some help with his current issues and that the family relationship is not effected in to much of a big way. I was relieaved to read that he had also decided to leave for a few days, it sounds like he is ashamed of what he has done.
I hope that the fighting that has happened on this thread has not put you off posting.
I really wish you all the luck in the future. Stay strong.

there are never any "extenuating circumstances" that excuse intimidation and violence from a partner

there are no "reasons" or "explanations" that mitigate it

"stress" and "upset" are no get-out clause to hold the person you are meant to love against the wall by their throat and threaten to kill them

once you accept those statements, what you do with the information is up to you

Living in fear of a repeat is no life - I think he crossed a line already

What AnyFucker says.

You should never ever accept this. Not a one off...nothing.

If you decide to work through it that's your decision but excusing it or minimising it in any way is just horrible

Hello OP
We have moved this thread to relationships - hope you can get some support in RL and on MN

Can you delete my posts then please? I thought with the thread being in chat it would vanish!

OP, how are you today?

Some people think that a man is owed a relationship and that a woman gas a duty to "make it work" unless she is being seriously injured by him on a regular basis.

It's quite a common view, sadly.

It's weird and upsetting to see people who think a relationship is more important than the woman in it advising a woman whose partner has threatened to murder her that she should "work at it".

What "work" one has to do with someone who has threatened to kill you I'm not quite sure.

Women in dangerous situations tend to minimise them and explain them away. That doesn't mean they are seeing their situation clearly.

"Supporting" a woman to stay in a dangerous situation is an act of evil.

ugh, not just on a regular basis but for a really really long time apparently - there is a post much much much further up saying 'it's not as if he has been abusing you for five years' (or words to that effect)

I think evil probably does cover it

I have been a victim of domestic violence as well but despite this i can see that not every incident like this is going to escalate and happen again. He's behaved appallingly obviously, but it happens that a person can have a completely out character freak out.

No, not every incident is going to escalate and happen again.

But how can we tell which ones are which?

How can we tell the difference between a nice man having a murderous one-off freakout and a formerly decent man becoming genuinely dangerous?

Answer: we can't.

And the person least likely to be able to make an objective judgement about that is the person who loves him and doesn't want to uproot her entire life.

So the advice from anyone remotely responsible is that she should leave and make herself and her child safe and that decisions about whether this was a one off can be made in the fullness of time from a position of safety.

Sticking around to figure out whether he's going to carry out his threat is not sensible.

I knew you'd reply fast - are you sitting there foaming at the mouth at this thread? Move on.

I don't think the OP is wrong. Calm down.

I think she can make the right decision for her.

But I think that pretending this behaviour is ever OK is very very dangerous. Using language to excuse or minimise means that ...er you excuse or minimise violence.
Your obsession with this thread is not helping you or her.

And the person least likely to be able to make an objective judgement about that is the person who loves him and doesn't want to uproot her entire life.

Finally there in black and white, what I've always suspected about the Relationships topic: WE know better than you, WE know the score, WE'VE been there, YOU haven't got a clue, YOU have to do as WE say...

and if the OP doesn't, the frothing gets louder and louder, the arguments get longer and longer and at some point the OP is even accused of colluding in the abuse of her children by staying.

Get Over Yourselves. You are not the Final Word on relationships.

everlong You are obviously obsessed and will twist every single post because this thread is hitting some nerve for you. I'm stating one more time for clarity....

I think the OP is rational and making a decision based on her current knowledge.

I personally would never wish anyone (man, woman or child) to think that violence is an expected response to any stress and they must overlook it because of that.

I think you are the one here minimising and excusing.
you = everlong

I don't think anything bad about OP at all.

I'd like to say 'just so we're clear' but it won't be clear because there will be an argument to be had ... except I won't be joining you for it

OP best wishes to you.

No Everlong - it's your minimising of this situation that I have a problem with and I don't appear to be alone. On this thread you've said 'This isn't a case where the OP has been verbally, physically, emotionally abused for the past 5 years and is asking what she should do, because if it was I would be the first to say get out.' Everybody else on this thread has been suggesting to the OP how she can keep herself safe and that this is not her fault and does not have to be accepted within the relationship. You seem intent on telling her that it isn't bad enough to leave yet. You're wrong to do that.

"Get Over Yourselves. You are not the Final Word on relationships."

:o

Ideally I think the op should go, but having been a victim of dv I know its not that simple.

I agree with everlong (prepares for first flaming). The op has said she is not leaving. I don't see how it is being helpful or supportive to keep telling her she is wrong. All that will do is make her feel she can't come back for support should she ever need it.

Op - good luck, you did the right thing calling the police. I think now that you have been through what you have it would be sensible to look into women's aid and other options locally to you. Just so you know what's there should you need it.

I really really hope your dh gets some help from his gp and this never happens again. Dv often escalates and if anything else happens however slight you know you have given him his chance and you need to take action.

Wish you would all lay off everlong she wants the best outcome like we all do!!

And this kind of thing can be a wake up call for a couple, not just the end.