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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me. My partner just shoved me against a wall by the throat and asked if I wanted to seee what murder looked like.

309 replies

theincredibequeenofwands · 09/05/2012 13:18

He stormed out after a while.

I'm really shaken and I don't know what to do.

He was made redudant and is really stressed. I'm working as many hours as I can to make everything okay but he won't apply for jobs. I was looking online for him but and trying to get him interested and he just flipped.

I'm too ashamed to call up a friend and my parent's phone is engaged.

Please talk to me.

:'o(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 20:52

who are "you lot from relationships" ? Hmm

I don't have a soapbox

I believe domestic violence should have zero tolerance

that is the only true response there should be to it

or else, we should all be tolerating it

all of us

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 20:58

the outcomes of DV counselling for DV perpetrators are abysmal

OP should be getting some individual counselling of her own....away from her domestic violence perpetrator

that could be a good outcome here

keeping this dangerous man in her house won't work, because once he is back he will avoid taking responsibility

of course she can try it...if she (and by supporting her in it, us) think her personal safety is of no importance against the greater good that is a relationship against all the odds

not me, and I would hope the same for any of us on this thread

the fact that some of you would accept less than you deserve makes no difference to how I feel about it

everlong · 10/05/2012 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/05/2012 21:06

How can we tell the difference between a nice man having a murderous one-off freakout and a formerly decent man becoming genuinely dangerous? Answer: we can't. And the person least likely to be able to make an objective judgement about that is the person who loves him and doesn't want to uproot her entire life

I don't agree with that. Yes whilst in the thick of it it can be hard to think straight, but there is no one here who knows the man better then the op. Certainly no one on this thread. She knows their relationship, their history, his history. As far as i am aware she hasn't mentioned any other worrying factors or red flags and seems to genuinely think it is completely out of character for him.

And "we" don't have tell the difference, the op does. Considering the small amount of information she has given we haven't really got a clue and it would be arrogant of us to think we did.

What happened was bloody awful and scary so i am by no means suggesting she should forget about it. She needs space to think and it sounds like that is what's she's getting.

CupOfBrownJoy · 10/05/2012 21:10

This reply has been deleted

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MarvellousYou · 10/05/2012 21:11

I think I'm more with Everlong than with other posters that immediately say 'leave him' although a lady 2 streets away from us was murdered along with her daughter because her H snapped after being made redundant. I think if she had a second chance she would have left immediately and sorted things out from a distance, a safe distance.

Being in a bit of a shite situation at home myself, I have the option of leaving and staying in a refuge if I or my children need it and I hope the OP does too?

Northernlurker · 10/05/2012 21:11

I know what's shameful Everlong. What's shameful is that women aren't safe in their own homes and that so many people refuse to acknowledge this.

Lets look at yesterday's events from another perspective. What did the OP's partner take from yesterday? POssibly that when he gets stressed and angry he may hold his partner by the throat and talk about murdering her and as long as he says he's sorry and gives her space, nothing will change? Well I'm not going to be cheering for that outcome.

People talk about leaving in this situation because the home has become unsafe. Nothing is more important than being safe. You can talk about a relationship, you can look at counselling, you can reduce stress and change lifestyle but you can only do those things if you are safe. Two women a week are so unsafe they end up dead. That's the reality of this situation and that's why people say 'leave'.

captainmummy · 10/05/2012 21:12

I think, FWIW, that the person who knows the OP's DH (or the 'domestic violence perpetrator', as per AF) should be the person who decides what to do about this incident, which may or may not be a 1-off.

I take it that's not any of you.

everlong · 10/05/2012 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarvellousYou · 10/05/2012 21:14

I gave the example of DV because I think sometimes we can get it wrong and I think that might be where AF is coming from?

When someone is behaving irrationally, it is very difficult to predict 'what happens next'.

captainmummy · 10/05/2012 21:15

PooPoo -AGree! Posting too slow....

CupOfBrownJoy · 10/05/2012 21:15

"What's shameful is that women aren't safe in their own homes and that so many people refuse to acknowledge this. "

I missed the bit where ANY poster (particularly everlong) "refused to acknowledge this"....

MarvellousYou · 10/05/2012 21:16

When was the last time someone heard from the OP?

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 21:17

2 women per week are killed by partners or ex-partners.

Are you guys suggesting that the ones who were still with their partners when they were killed KNEW that they were going to be murdered?

Or might it be the case that they thought they knew the man, thought there was no risk, thought everything would be OK (if only they worked at it)?

CupOfBrownJoy · 10/05/2012 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

everlong · 10/05/2012 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupOfBrownJoy · 10/05/2012 21:18

"2 women per week are killed by partners or ex-partners."

A shameful statistic, but that still leaves quite a few who aren't....

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 21:19

captain - how could anyone else other than the OP possible decide what to do next?

Do you think the "Relationships crew" are magic? :o

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 21:20

"A shameful statistic, but that still leaves quite a few who aren't...."

ShockShockShockShock

Holy fucking crap!

Are you serious?

captainmummy · 10/05/2012 21:22

AThing- my point exactly.

No magic, and no clue as to the real character of the man.

PooPooInMyToes · 10/05/2012 21:23

Have most people on this thread really never done something completely out character?

I've been with my dh for 15 years, through stresses, illnesses, children, bereavements, money problems . . . If my relationship was to become an abusive one it would most likely have done so by now.

Still though a few years ago we had a horrendous row! I had a bottle in my hand which he thought i was going to smash his head in with and he was holding a knife! (he was loading the dishwasher!) To anyone watching it would have looked awful, especially when i walked out of the house and he followed me. I locked myself in the car and he was trying to get in (both knife and bottle had been abandoned by this time). Imagine how that would have looked to the neighbours. I drove away with him telling me never to come back.

I got a few minutes down the road and he called and asked me to come home. When i got there we looked at each other with shock and bewilderment. It was the strangest thing. We have a really good relationship but had some stuff going on in our lives at the time that was making us both tense.

The row came out of nowhere and lasted seconds. Neither of us even knew what it was about!

It was horrendous and shocking and we both acted out of character, probably him more than me.

I do believe its possible for someone to act horrendously as a one off. Only the op knows what he is really like. If he is the type to become abusive then there will undoubtedly be red flags.

Instead of just telling her to leave him, how about someone post a link or info on the red flags and the op can read it whilst being completely honest with herself about this man (if she wants to and ready).

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 21:24

COBJ...would you care to give us some proof of "that gem" ?

there is no way I would make a pronouncement like you are trying to say I would, on the evidence you are giving here

I reckon, if your memory is serving you correctly and I did make that sort of statement, you are conveniently not including a very large part of the rest of the story

why you would do that, I will leave to your own conscience, and the common sense of most of the posters on this thread

"ringmaster"

that's very dramatic, I can't imagine why you would seek to make a circus out of this thread, tbh, while others are saying "how is this helping OP?"

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 21:25

Nobody on an Internet forum can claim to know the real character of the man. That doesn't mean that their advice is useless.

If the OP didn't want the advice of people who don't know the real character of the man, she wouldn't have posted.

And nobody can make a decision other than the OP, they can only write posts on the Internet.

There is no obligation to support someone who is making a decision you think is risky.

everlong · 10/05/2012 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 10/05/2012 21:28

Everlong - look you've posted repeatedly justifying his behaviour and talked about his needs. I'm sorry - I don't think that qulaifies as seeing thisngs from the OP's point of view. I think it's helping her excuse what happened and that's dangerous. BTW - he didn't hit her yesterday, that's right. Would that perhaps be because he had his hand(s) round her throat already?

As for 'A shameful statistic, but that still leaves quite a few who aren't....' Angry